I tried in the past to be casual. I acted like the “cool girl” that’s okay going with the flow, convincing myself I was okay with dating just for fun.

And it always went terribly.

So I clicked on this article to feel validated, I guess. Or perhaps understood. But as I read more, I couldn’t help but cringe a bit. I felt the old me — the anxious me — creeping up.

After my most recent failed relationship, my best friend slapped me with reality. He exclaimed that I don’t allow new relationships time to naturally blossom. I expect them to be end game from the get-go, and if the guy deviates from those feelings, anxiety runs rampant in my mind.

That notion baffled me. My best friend had a great point. How could I expect someone to know within two months of meeting me if they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me? It definitely happens in some cases, but it doesn’t have to happen.

Since then, I’ve been on a mission. I’m dating someone new who’s amazing. My boyfriend is the epitome of a “nice guy” while also being a partner-in-crime type.

But this time, I want to squash my old dating anxiety. Yes, I’m looking for someone that will one day be my husband, but I’m also allowing room for feelings to blossom. I’m allowing room to decide, maturely, if this relationship is right for both of us.

As a hopeful romantic, this is hard AF, though. If I’m not careful, I quickly slip back into my irrational, anxious way of thinking.

But I’m fighting that; I’m being conscious of my old ways. This time, I’m choosing to date slowly.

And this is how I’m doing it.

Choosing The Right Person

If you’re quick to jump into all-or-nothing thinking, you’re going to have to consider the kinds of people you’re choosing.

You may think this issue has to do with you, and in a way it does, but there’s more to it. Wanting to be very serious from the get-go could be a sign of some insecurities you have. Maybe you have a fear of abandonment. Perhaps you seek validation through the people you date.

Whatever the reason may be, though, considering the type of men you date won’t hurt.

Think of a relationship like building a house. You need a solid foundation.

A solid foundation does not consist of mixed signals, questioning your worth, not wanting “something serious”, bringing out your worst insecurities, taking you for granted, or long periods of silence.

What you want is stability. If you’re in this for the long run, then someone who makes you feel cared for and comforted is essential. Forget the rollercoaster, instant fireworks bullshit. That’s an idea perpetuated by the media.

A solid foundation is someone who chooses you. Someone that talks to you throughout the day. A person who cares what is going on in your life, treats you well, and doesn’t make you question their intentions.

And yes, that might be the “nice” guy. You may have to question your reaction to pull back or run away when you date someone like this — someone drastically different than what you’re used to.

Let their actions guide your decisions. Pick people that treat you right and create a solid foundation.

Change Your Perspective

There are a few perspectives on dating you need to consider.

The process is simple: When you change beliefs, you change your way of thinking. When you change your way of thinking, you change your actions. And changing your actions creates a new life.

Consider what your beliefs are on these three topics and watch your perspective on dating change.

“My partner should be in the same emotional place as me.”

Two people will never be in the same emotional place. There will always be one person that likes the other more. Most of the time that will fluctuate between the partners throughout the relationship.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that either. I know it feels scary to come to terms with the idea of being a bit more invested in the relationship, but I assure you it’s natural. It doesn’t mean your partner isn’t invested, and it doesn’t mean they won’t get to where you’re at.

“If I question if I want to be with them, the relationship isn’t meant to be.”

Dating is all about questioning if you want to be with the other person. You’re supposed to get to know them. Figure out their interests. Find out that they paint action figures in their spare time and then consider if you could date someone who paints action figures in their spare time.

And more so, small deviations from what we thought a “perfect” partner looks like isn’t a sign it couldn’t work out in the long run. It’s a sign that maybe our idea of an ideal partner wasn’t right.

We’re only capable of deciding what could make us happy from our past experiences. So it is perfectly normal and healthy to question the relationship along the way.

Just be sure to consider whether those beliefs are well-founded ones.

“Wanting to spend the rest of their life with me should be their goal.”

I am so completely guilty of this one.

This whole article is about dating slowly. Chances are, if you’re with a secure human being, they’re going to be doing exactly that — taking things slowly.

Most people decide that they want to marry their partner years down the road. It’s not like in the movies where they say “I love you” mere weeks into meeting each other.

If your significant other isn’t thinking about the long-term from the get-go, that doesn’t mean they’ll never consider it. It means they’re focused on getting to know you and deepening your bond to see if there could be something more.

Keep Your Head Steady

I would get so caught up in the Romantic Drama I created in my head that I ignored reality. That’s why I dated a lot of assholes, and my relationships ended badly.

When you’re in your new relationship, make sure to check-in with yourself. Take note of what is going on in the relationship and how you’re feeling.

Create Boundaries

For many people, standing up for ourselves is hard. We know what we need from our partner, but we’re too scared to say so.

If you want to date slowly, boundaries are crucial. You can’t be spending every night at your significant other’s house if it’s detrimental to your career. Your needs can’t be put on the back-burner for theirs.

Create healthy boundaries from the get-go. That way you’re not caught up in the relationship in a way that’s detrimental to your well-being.

Don’t Ignore Red Flags

I one time dated a guy with the following red flags:

1. Broke up with me once before via text message

2. Racist

3. Made sexist jokes

4. 12 years my senior and loved to brag about dating a younger girl

5. Discharged from the military

6. Couldn’t go one night without drinking.

7. Oh, and the time he choked me

But I ignored them all for the love story I conjured up in my head.

There are red flags you can’t ignore simply because you see the relationship lasting long-term. Red flags from the beginning of the relationships are signs that you need to find someone else, not issues you just need to work on with your partner.

Slowly Allow Things To Blossom

Back to the metaphor of the house.

A contractor doesn’t take all the material of a house, throw them up in the air, and have a perfectly built craftsman home plop down. Each part of the house is built slowly. First the foundation, then the frame, windows, doors, plumbing, electrical, drywall, etc.

A relationship is the same way. You get to know one another. Find out if you’re compatible. Get involved with their life and them in yours. You spend time doing things the other loves. And through all these experiences, a deeper bond forms (or not).

A rushed relationship doesn’t last because the initial thrill eventually wears off — a spark can only last for so long.

Allow yourself and your partner time to become friends, fall in love, and consider forever together. If a long-term relationship is your goal, then there’s no need to get to the end as quick as you can.

After all, you can’t rush something you want to last forever.

For so long, I have been guarding my heart tightly and refusing to let anyone close to me. I was convinced that I couldn’t do relationship because none have worked out for me. I was disillusioned about ever meeting the right person.

But you, you make it easy for me to open my heart to you.

You teach me how to trust in love.

That just because love has failed me before doesn’t mean that it will again. You make me try to keep my dark emotions at bay and not let negativity get the best of me. You make feel at ease in my own skin and accept me for the person I am despite all my flaws and insecurities. You make me feel like myself with your endless encouragement and support for me to become my ideal self.

With you, there is no game to be caught up in and confusing mixed signals to decipher. We are simply together because we want to be. There are no excuses of wrong timing and place. There are no adversities that we cannot conquer when we are fighting whatever odds against us side by side. There is not a moment of doubt in our relationship that we are in this together.

You are worth the risk for I am falling in love with you.

I don’t know how you do it but I am completely smitten with you. I’m obsessed with the way your eyes lit up when they found mine as though I’m the light you’re seeking for. I’m addicted to the rush of adrenaline when you slip your fingers around mine tightly like you won’t ever let me go. I’m enjoying the process of unraveling your mind and your deepest secrets.

You make my heart so full with your presence until it’s bursting with the fullness of it. You enlivened me in the best possible way and my life is a vivid shade of passion, love, and joy. You bring me back to life from the wreckage of my previous heartbreak and dismantle all my old bitter belief about love. You make me believe that you are different and till today, you have given me no reason to think otherwise.

You are worth the risk for I have never met someone like you. Someone who is patient with me and loves me with every inch of his wide generous heart.

You teach me that love is kind and patient. Even when we don’t see eye to eye to certain things, you never raise your voice at me or utter any hurtful word. When I turn away, you reach towards me and hug me tighter breaking down the barrier between us. When dark times threaten to overwhelm us, you simply face it bravely with me and assure me that we will survive whatever storm comes our way.

With you, I have found my best friend and my soulmate. I have found my home in you. I have found a love that never leaves.

You are worth the risk, every bit of it, and I have no regret knowing you. I have no regret loving you.

Fairytales and storybooks have got it all wrong. We are often taught that love is a feeling, but feelings are fleeting and unreliable. Feelings are not a true source of support for you or your partner. A relationship cannot be defined by something as unpredictable as your feelings or your emotions in the moment.

Therefore, love is a choice and I am choosing to be with you. I am choosing to love you despite how afraid my heart is. I am choosing to let you in regardless of what my past has taught me. I am choosing to place my heart in your hands and hoping you will not break it. I am choosing to trust that you will remain loyal and that you will not intentionally hurt me. No matter what skeletons are in your closet — worst fears, insecurities, or doubts — I am still going to choose you. I am choosing to choose you because my heart knows I got lucky with this one.

I am choosing to be vulnerable and to let someone into my guarded, taped-up heart. I am choosing to heal my jaded edges and the damage that has been left by others because I want to be able to choose you full-heartedly. I am choosing to heal so that you do not have to carry my baggage — my doubts and fears. 

I am choosing to wake up every day at 4 a.m. to watch the sunrise because I want to know why you like sunrises so much. I am choosing to accompany you on every adventure because I know you sometimes feel lonely and I do not ever want you to feel alone. I am choosing to explore your favorite restaurants with you because I know your love language is quality time. I am choosing to support you through every endeavour and reassure your insecurities and worries because you chose to do the same for me.

You are everything to me, and you do not deserve to be half loved due to ever-changing feelings. It is pretty simple: I am choosing to be with you. Because love is a choice.

I know you are scared. Many “I love you’s” turned into goodbyes in the past, and you are traumatized by love because it reminds you of being abandoned. I know you are scared of love and affection due to being left.

But even if it ends up being unrequited love, or even if he is conflicted about his feelings towards you, say it anyway. In love and life, we do not get many second chances, so take these opportunities that come and live without regrets. Be brave enough to make the first step sometimes, and be vulnerable and bold enough to say to the person, “I love you, even if you do not love me back.” Because in a society where we are all taught to be emotionless and dispassionate, loving someone and telling them you love them is quite a heroic feat.

So please, tell him exactly this: Tell him you love him beyond what words can describe. Tell him you love him with a certainty that scares you. Tell him you love him with every single fiber of your being and deep down to your core. Tell him you love him to the point that your own happiness does not matter as long as he is happy and you are willing to go to the ends of the earth to see him smile. Tell him that even if your heart gets shattered into a million pieces, it is a privilege if it means to have been loved by him. Tell him you love him because no one else is as compatible; he fits and completes you. Tell him you love him with a ferocity you can not contain and an aching in your chest that never stops. Tell him you love him the same way he looks at the stars and sunsets, with eyes wide open in bewilderment and awe.

Please, be fearless and reckless with your love. Be passionate and unrestrained with your words. Do not hesitate to tell someone your feelings, even if you get left behind. Life is too short to not at least try, and it is always worth living without regrets.

I’m no longer accepting half-hearted love or mediocre relationships. I’m no longer settling for experiences that don’t fulfill me or make me feel alive. I’m no longer allowing people to love me in doses or give me bits and pieces, because love is supposed to fuel you to give more and love more, not hold back or limit yourself. I’m no longer looking for love with people who don’t know how to love me. I’m embracing all the parts of me that are still healing and I’m embracing my vulnerability and I’m not letting all the parts of me that are hard to love define me. I’m no longer allowing people to hold my mistakes against me, because they got me to where I am today and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I’m no longer letting people and their limiting beliefs define me or dictate my future. I’m no longer interested in what they have to say or what they think. I’m here to live, to learn, to evolve and I am not going to let anyone take that away from me. This is the time to take back my power from all those who tried to suppress my voice or put me down or label me so I can sit in a corner for the rest of my life and miss out on actually living. I have given in to these limitations in the past, but it only stopped me from being happy and free. I’m no longer letting people pin me down. I’m learning how to break away and break free from all those chains.

I’m no longer holding back the parts of me that are meant to shine, because these parts are within me for a reason and I’m still here on earth for a reason. There’s no more time to waste. These parts are meant to shine and light up my life and I will not allow anyone else to dim them or break them. These parts have a purpose and I’m about to find out exactly what it is.

You never know why his delays or his timing or his plans did not align with yours, but you should know that with time, you are going to realize that you didn’t need what you wanted back then, that they were juvenile wishes or dreams from an unhealed or an immature version of you. You are going to change and evolve and your dreams and passions will change and you will thank God that you were not stuck with an old dream or an old story that would have been wrong for you.

You never know why God pushed you away from some people or pushed certain people away from you. It may not make sense at first, you may even feel like you lost an irreplaceable friend or partner or the love of your life, but you should know that only God knows what the future holds, and maybe down the line this friendship or relationship would have been toxic for you or would have made you suffer. You never know why God broke your heart or why he took the ones you loved away from you, but you should know that the reason behind every heartbreak is to somehow heal you in another way. Whether it’s self-love or inner strength or wisdom, one way or another, your heartbreak taught you something valuable about yourself or your life that you wouldn’t have learned otherwise.

You never know why God tested you with the things that meant the most to you or the things you thought you couldn’t live without, but you should know that every time you think you lost something special, God has something outstanding in store for you. Every time you go after a blocked road or a closed door, God has an even better one wide open for you. Every time you chase someone who doesn’t love you or appreciate you or someone who isn’t right for you, God is saving you from a lifetime of pain and regret because he has someone perfect for you.

The truth is, you never know what God has in store for you, but from what I have seen in my own life and what I have learned when my life didn’t go as planned, all along God had a totally different vision for my life, and now I know that what I wanted for myself would have destroyed me. You never know how many doors God is willing to close to protect you, but you also never know how many doors he’s willing to open to bless you with things you never even dreamed of.

Sooner or later you are going to realize that what God has in store for you is always better than anything you could have imagined for yourself.

I don’t want to accept your apologies. I don’t want to understand that people’s behaviors are a result of their childhood trauma. I don’t want to be compassionate and full of empathy.

I don’t feel like living as Jesus did. I don’t want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to endure and keep the faith.

I don’t want to stay strong. I want to be the toxic one knowing that somebody will put up with my bullshit. I want to be the one that doesn’t show up. I want to be the one who does a half-assed job. I only want to think about myself. I want to feel a little less.

I don’t want to be responsible. I want to be the person that nobody asks for anything because they’re unreliable. I just don’t want to show up.

I don’t want to be the bigger person anymore.

The truth is, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted from work. I’m exhausted from love and its knock-offs. I’m exhausted from people. I’m exhausted from trying to figure myself out. I’m exhausted from making sure I get enough self-care. I’m exhausted from trying to love myself enough. All of the self-work is just… exhausting.

How do so many people not care? How can so many people turn a blind eye? How can so many people feel pain, yet refuse to change their actions so that others don’t have to go through what they did?

Sometimes I want to give up. Turn cold. Close my heart, but I’ll only perpetuate the cycle. I’ve declared many times, “I don’t care. I’m done.” It’s not entirely true. It’s how I feel. Not caring causes me the same amount of pain as caring, so either way, I’m screwed. The truth is, I’m a little scared of shutting down my heart. What if I never get my empathy back? What if I disconnect entirely from others? What if I can no longer find God?

I’m told we shouldn’t live in fear. We should live from a place of love, and I believe that. It’s just become more complex, you know?

So here I am. Still trying to sort myself out. Still trying to be the bigger person, though I don’t want to. Because I have too much to be thankful for to give up now.

As I sit here in a hotel room, I am left with many confusing and bewildering thoughts. Admittedly, I never thought this would happen—testing positive for COVID. Even at its onset, I thought it was an overblown media thing to “tighten the reins” on society. I guess a little of the conspiracy theory thinking in me was about not wanting to believe a virus could shut down the world. But compared to most, I put myself out there and resumed everyday life. Although schools shut down and my job as a teacher went virtual, I still went out regularly. I worked almost daily with personal training clients. Honestly, I did my best to keep social distancing, keep my hands clean, and take precautions. My greatest worry was that I would somehow bring it back to my wife and two children.

I know contracting a virus has nothing to do with luck or destiny. It is not personal, and most likely, by percentage, I put myself in a position to “catch” the coronavirus. I work with many people as a teacher, high school sports coach, and personal trainer.

After becoming vaccinated, I became a bit cavalier, as most people did. I stopped wearing a mask. I no longer worried about social distancing. My hands went back to being as dirty as they were before COVID. Life returned to normal. In a lot of ways, I felt like I dodged a bullet. Fortunately, some of the risks I took during the pre-vaccination stage of COVID-19 didn’t affect me.

How did I test positive while being vaccinated? I am not an idiot, nor am I overly versed in up-to-date media. By choice, I don’t peruse Facebook or Instagram too much. Instead, I look daily but in short spurts, mainly to see what is up with friends or specific topics like exercise and fitness.

After being exposed to an unvaccinated person who tested positive, at the urging of my wife, I went and got a rapid COVID test. Although I demonstrated symptoms, I only got tested to appease her concerns. I spent the previous six or seven days busy, in the 90+ heat for many hours of the day, very active, and had a few nights of poor sleep. Par for the course—you beat yourself down and there is a consequence. I figured I was feeling the effects of the previous week (really, the last six weeks). The entire summer has been filled with training clients and traveling around the east coast for club lacrosse tournaments. One thing to the next. I was getting up before 5 a.m. to train clients and outside most of the day in the Maryland humidity—it makes sense that I contracted COVID. I weakened my immune system to the point that the bastard just walked right into an open door.

I sat waiting in the office of the urgent care facility in my small town south of Annapolis, Maryland. A few minutes prior, a nurse shoved cotton sticks up my nose. It was far from pleasant, but it’s what needed to be done. It wasn’t my first test. I have had few since March of 2020. A couple of scares. People that I worked with were exposed to the virus. When I got my first test, I was scared shitless. Scared to tell my wife that I tested positive. Worried about looking like a social pariah. I put myself out there with little concern for the repercussions. “Negative!” Thank god!

I was tested again a couple of months later. Unlike the first time of having no symptoms, this time I was symptomatic. My stomach was torn up. I had diarrhea. Again, negative! Then I got my second Pfizer vaccination in March. As a result, my fears of COVID and passing it to my family went away. “I’m good!” I thought. “I can do what I want. I am safe.” A slight exaggeration, but generally how I felt.

The doctor came in and looked at me. He asked questions. “How have you been feeling? What are your symptoms? Did you come in contact with anyone who tested positive? You know, the vaccination is not 100%.”

My relaxed demeanor quickly changed to annoyance. “Okay, Doc, I am not a kid. Just tell me if I am negative or positive.” I felt like I was in the principal’s office being grilled for spending a few minutes longer in the bathroom than I should have. I was confident I was negative. I had brief concerns that I was positive, but it was more of a devil’s advocate type of thing.

“You tested positive for COVID,” the doctor said.

“Wait! What? How accurate is the rapid test?”

He explained that symptomatic rapid tests have over a 90% accuracy and proceeded to spit out facts and CDC stuff that I barely paid attention to.

“I want to get a PCR,” I said. I wasn’t arrogant. I was frustrated and really, still, didn’t believe it. That I tested positive after being vaccinated did not seem right. It had to be a mistake.

I walked out of the urgent care facility. My mind spun in circles. All the people I now had to let know that I tested positive for COVID. This wasn’t a few people. It was a lot. Many adults and even more children and teenagers that I trained and coached. My heart sank.

Fortunately, everyone I contacted was very kind and understanding. That doesn’t mean a person or two didn’t “F-bomb” me to their spouse or friends. I am sure they did. But it wasn’t as bad as I made it out in my mind. However, the ones I feared telling most were my wife and children. Did I expose them? What if my daughter has to sit out of field hockey, or my son can’t try out for a club lacrosse team because they are positive? Damn it, Kristel is going to be so pissed!

No one was home when I got home. I waited to tell them last, and now they all were out with friends doing fun things. At that point, my rationale was, “if they are positive, it’s too late. Might as well wait to tell them.” A pretty immature standpoint, I admit. I felt terrible and didn’t want to face the reality that I may have infected my entire family.

As expected, no one was happy when I dropped the bomb. I slept downstairs with a mask. In the morning, my wife and two children tried to get a rapid and PCR test. Nothing was available until the afternoon. They were all asymptomatic. But once you put the “bug” in someone’s ear that they may be infected, the mind starts running on the hamster wheel. “Is my throat sore? Do I have a headache? Does my body ache?” For most of that day, I stayed outside, as far away from my wife and kids as possible. It was 90 degrees and humid. Each time I walked inside for a reprieve, I was met with scornful looks from my wife. “Do you have two masks on? Why are you in here again?” All three got tested in the afternoon. All negative.

A sigh of relief was breathed by each of them. Mainly me. The PCR test will determine if they are out of the woods completely, but at that point, at least their anger towards me subsided and turned to pity. “Poor dad has COVID. That sucks. Glad it’s not me!” Okay, I made up the last one, but I’m pretty sure that is how they felt. They all came back with more pep in their step. For me, that meant I had to figure out how to exist and not infect anyone else. The next logical step was to leave the house. That is where I am as we speak—in a hotel room, writing about testing positive for COVID-19. Did I tell you I am vaccinated?

I have oscillated between being angry, feeling sorry for myself, and being somewhat relieved that I didn’t pass it on to anyone else. The CDC says if you get COVID when you are vaccinated, your symptoms are more minor. I don’t know the truth of it because I never—as far as I know—had COVID before. But I will say that they aren’t bad for me, at least. Similar to a common cold or minor flu. I am stuffy, a little tired, and my head feels like a sinus infection—foggy without clarity in my thinking. Before COVID, I would continue on my day feeling the way I do. I would be cautious not to spread to others but wouldn’t allow the “sniffles” to affect my day. Shit has changed. Maybe social pariah is extreme, but the past 18 months have made us very cautious and vigilant. As quick as that happened, normalcy returned. No more masks! No restricted social gatherings! And yet, I am quarantining in a hotel, wondering why the hell I tested positive.

I am one of 100,000+ vaccinated citizens in the U.S. that have been labeled “breakthroughs.” So, I am kind of a unicorn. Ha! .08% of vaccinated Americans have contracted COVID. I am doing my best to find the humor in that. 99% of the people vaccinated have remained free of the virus while going maskless, ignoring social distancing protocols, and have generally walked around like it doesn’t exist. I feel like the gag is on me. Or maybe it is karma for the many months that I gingerly walked the tightrope while others followed CDC and Federal Government guidelines.

My PCR test came back positive. I now wait out the 10 days needed to be non-contagious. I guess the good thing is that I have decided to be an informed citizen. I have read more about COVID in the last five days than I did the previous year. I know new strands are spawning that will continue to wreak havoc on our lifestyle. Alpha, beta, and the more recent, more contagious delta variant. The political division amongst the democrats and the republicans is getting wider. Positive tests are on the rise. Schools in Maryland are ordering students to return to school in masks. The past few months have been a teaser. Wishful thinking. More so, all of us hoped COVID was nearly behind us. For the time being, it appears the virus is here to stay.

I love bougie things like designer handbags, high thread count sheets, overpriced (yet delicious) lattes, viewing art and touring museums, and sipping and collecting quality bottles of wine. I’m also no stranger to getting massages, having a closet filled with colorful and quality blazers, enjoying mouth-watering charcuterie boards, binging on fancy home renovation television shows, and preferring almond milk over regular milk. I will not apologize for choosing to partake in different things I enjoy. And I want the bougie people in the world who are shrinking to know that it’s okay to come out of hiding. You are not alone.

Some people may think bougie people are out of touch with reality and are nothing more than snobby, over-educated, elitist, “I-think-I’m-better-than-you-and-everyone-else” types who spend their time and energy looking down on others and are spending money on different material items and experiences the average consumer may not be able to afford. While I believe bougieness is relative, it can certainly breed discontent for some – and in some cases, perhaps jealousy. But there’s no need to be salty. Truthfully, if you budget your money properly, you can board the bougie train too and do some of the cool things you see other people doing. You don’t have to be rich to have bougie experiences.

On the other hand, some people don’t mind being a little bougie sometimes and enjoy the occasional splurge. I mean, who hasn’t tried (or wanted to try) a fancy food or recipe or new restaurant at some point in their life? Or felt good stepping out all dressed up? Or been exposed to different cultures in the forms of music, movies, television, and art? These things are nice and can be so much fun to experience. So none of us are in a place to judge or criticize someone for being bougie. After all, there’s nothing wrong with being a little bougie sometimes. Now, it’s important to understand that being bougie doesn’t give you a license to be arrogant, rude, or obnoxious. It’s never okay to look down on others. So even if you are bougie, always aim to keep things kind and classy.

Unfortunately, there will always be people who might feel like you’re doing “the most” or won’t be happy to see you enjoying your life and doing different things that make you feel good, but life is short. You don’t have to explain yourself to anybody or feel guilty for doing different things you love, even if some of the things you enjoy are considered a little bougie. Just know there’s nothing wrong with being a little bougie sometimes.

I remember trying to convince my mom to teach me how to drive. It was the summer of 2012 and I was 15. I didn’t know a lot of kids my age at the time who drove, and certainly no girls. So it was a huge deal for me.

One fine day, my mom finally had me sit behind the steering wheel. I raced the pedal, shifted gears, and successfully completed a round of our small township. My mom was super proud (like they always are with everything we do), but when I got home and told my dad, he wasn’t so much. The most he did was shift his focus from the newspaper to me for the 30 seconds that I was blabbering.

* * *

4 hours to go

A couple of years later, when we moved to a different city for my father’s cancer treatment, our almost-new car sat in its parking spot for the most part. My dad was too sick to drive, and I, too scared. But when we decided to visit my grandparents for Diwali that year, over 500 km away, my dad trusted me behind the steering wheel. Needless to say, those were five very long hours of criticism.

* * *

3 hours to go

The COVID-19 pandemic hit and the whole nation was under lockdown. My dad was about to undergo a bone marrow transplant and needed multiple blood transfusions. In a time like this, it was difficult to find donors who had their own vehicle or could travel the distance without catching the virus. So, I decided to cross state borders and drive donors to the hospital.

* * *

2 hours to go

I’m sure you’re wondering how something as trivial as learning how to drive is a story that needs to be told. It is for me, because I was driving when my dad passed away. All these years, it seems, life was just preparing me for that one drive.

My mom and I left home as soon as my uncle called from the hospital. He said it was serious. It had been serious a couple of times before too, so my mom still had hope. We reached the hospital and I knew something was wrong. I could feel it in my bones. And it was. I won’t bore you with the details.

* * *

1 hour to go

As I sit behind the steering wheel once again on the same highway where my dad gave me the tips I would use while driving for the rest of my life, I can’t help but think about my journey as a driver. From not being able to start the car in one go to driving my family across the state for my dad’s cremation, I think I got the hang of it. At least, that’s what everyone’s been saying. But oh, what I wouldn’t give to get that look from my dad once again, to tell him that I finally did it.