A narcissist is a very specific breed that inflicts a specific type of damage. A jerk is just a jerk. He treats you badly, you feel upset that someone you cared about could do that to you, you feel even more upset with yourself for allowing it, but in time you realize you deserve better and move on.

A narcissist will twist his way into the depths of your soul. The damage he or she inflicts can last years and even a lifetime unless you deal with it and really challenge it.

But what is it like to be in a relationship with one of these sinister creatures? Be it romantic, familial, friendship, or business. And how is it they can inflict such immense damage on their victims?

This is what it typically looks like:

1. They are exclusively motivated by the need to fuel their own ego.

Here is something very important to realize: a narcissist is solely motivated to feed their own ego. That’s it. Every person they interact with is a means to that specific end. If someone can’t give them the narcissistic supply they need, they will either ruin their life or have nothing to do with that person.

A narcissist can never genuinely care about you on a human level. They just don’t have the capability. You are there to serve them. You are not a person, you are a pawn.

Now this can be confusing because a narcissist is good at acting like they care about you, but you’ll notice if you look a little more closely, the only times they seem to “care” is when it’s of some benefit to them. They don’t do anything with a self-serving agenda.

2. They will gaslight you to the moon.

The term “gaslighting” has only really gained traction in the last few years and is another term you hear everywhere but it actually originated in the 1930s British play-turned-film called “Gas Light.” In it, a man mentally and emotionally abuses and manipulates his wife into thinking she’s going insane, even convincing her that she’s imagining the gas light in the house dimming each night when he was really the culprit. He drives her to the point where she can’t trust her own emotions and can’t even trust the things she’s seeing, hearing, and experiencing.

The reason narcissists can be tricky to truly identify and excise from your life is that they can lead you to a point of not even knowing what’s real anymore. They get you so twisted that you can no longer trust yourself in any capacity.

I dated a classic narcissist and caught him talking to multiple other girls. You would think I would walk away… but he convinced me that he wasn’t trying to hook up with any of them, he was just keeping the door open to potentially hook up someday if he and I didn’t work out. Ohhhhh now I see! 

And he was so convincing that somehow I believed it. And I ended up feeling sorry for him that he was so “worried” about our relationship ending and how devastating that would be to him he needed to line up a few backup plans!

This is what a narcissist will do. They will distort reality in any which way to fit how they want things to be.

3. They give empty compliments.

Here is a classic narcissist move: they will say things like “I really respect you and value you but…” and then will say something that shows complete disrespect and devaluation of you. And again, this totally messes with your head and you don’t know what’s true or real anymore.

Any compliments they give you are really to serve their own agenda. Maybe to butter you up so they can regain control, maybe they’re filling your ego tank so you’ll fill theirs (and we already discussed that this is what they live for!). No matter the case, they are once again only furthering their own agenda.

4, They are always right, you are always wrong.

A narcissist will spin up all kinds of word salad to prove why they’re right and you’re wrong. Forget about logic and reason and all your proof, they will never ever admit to being at fault. They will pick up on one piece of what you said that was totally irrelevant to the conversation at large and then fixate on that to prove a point when that wasn’t even the point, to begin with!

They can not and will not accept responsibility for anything and you will exhaust yourself by trying to get them to see things as they are.

5. They want your pity.

This one is an interesting fact about narcissists because we think of them as haughty and having delusions of grandeur. And this is true. But they will also lean hard on the victim card in order to get you to feel sorry for them. Why? So that they can control you, of course.

They may tell you how terrible their childhood was… about their mental health issues… about the heartbreak that wrecked them… and being a compassionate person, you will feel bad for them. You may start making excuses for them. They can’t help it. It’s not his fault. And then he has you right where he wants you. He prays on your empathy to stay in your life and to gain the upper hand.

6. Their apologies are self-serving.

This is another unexpected truth about narcissists. While they don’t ever accept fault or responsibility, a narcissist will apologize… if he has to.

Narcissists understand how relationships work. They know people have feelings and boundaries. The problem is they will never be able to truly empathize with someone else’s pain. If a narcissist apologizes, it’s not to ease your suffering, it’s because he wants relief from whatever the conflict is because it feels unpleasant to him. It’s not about accepting responsibility, it’s about getting things back on track.

A narcissist may also apologize in order to restore his power over you, if he fears abandonment, or if he was caught red handed and can’t word salad his way out of it.

He may say sorry, but don’t be fooled, he will never actually be sorry.

You may make the mistake of believing they are your soulmate. Isn’t that how it goes in the movies? You believe that this is it. You’ve found “the one,” whether this other person realizes it or not.

I apologize for being the destroyer of your hopes, dreams, and longstanding idealistic beliefs, but that’s not really what’s going on. More likely, this person is representing your unhealed trauma and they have activated an old wound within you.

And relationships that start from this place rarely end well.

Here is what it can look like. Maybe you meet a really hot guy, the kind of guy that easily could have any girl. And you become instantly obsessed, like more than the average person who may stare and appreciate the hotness. Now let’s say growing up you went through an ugly duckling phase and none of the hot guys wanted you or even acknowledged your existence. And being a young middle schooler, you interpreted this as meaning you were worthless and that your worth is measured by whether hot people notice and appreciate you.

This belief remained unchallenged and in adulthood, you obsess over the hot guys and will do anything to get them to want you because this feeds your desperate need to be validated and to feel OK.

Maybe you’re drawn to people with an air of emotional unavailability. The kind of person you can’t quite crack. And you don’t fully understand why you only want people like this because you desperately crave emotional intimacy and depth of connection. And yet, you seem to be turned off by partners who are open and available.

Well… it’s possible that you had an emotionally absent caretaker and working hard to win someone over and gain their approval feels normal to you because in your house, love was conditional. Love wasn’t based on who you were, it was about what you did. If you behaved perfectly if you worked hard enough, if you were “good enough,” then you were rewarded.

In adulthood, you may end up in a cycle where you become obsessed with someone who doesn’t treat you well and you don’t consider that this person is just emotionally unavailable… or maybe just a jerk who isn’t worth your time, and instead you think that you just aren’t working hard enough. You need to do more, try harder. The more you work, the more on the line you are and the more invested you become making it even harder to get out.

Is it love or is it limerence?

Obsession in romantic relationships is often commonly known as limerence, defined as: The state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

The obsession consumes your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It’s essentially a form of relationship OCD. You obsessively think about the person and play and replay every interaction, analyzing every text and innuendo. You may obsessively play and replay positive memories from the past and fantasize endlessly about what a future might look like.

You are vacillate between hope and uncertainty, a game of he loves me, he loves me not. Limerence usually takes hold when the object of your desire hasn’t made it fully clear where they stand. They haven’t flat out rejected you, but they haven’t made any moves to indicate significant interest. So you cling onto any scraps they dish your way that could indicate they reciprocate your feelings.

The defining feature of limerence is that the thoughts are incessant, uncontrollable, and all consuming.

If you are someone who is desperate for love, you are predisposed to limerence. When someone comes into your life who sparks something in you, you may latch on forcefully. Limerence isn’t usually about the other person, it’s a psychological wound within yourself. 

Trauma Bonds

When you imprint on someone you don’t know it’s a risky game- you risk developing a trauma bond. A trauma bond can happen with someone you’re in a relationship with or a “situationship.” Basically, it all starts out amazing, you think you’ve finally found the one. These relationships usually start out with a love bombing phase and love bombing can feel really nice!

But things take a turn. Suddenly, he isn’t on the same page as you, he doesn’t want what you want. Or maybe he starts to devalue you… you’re no longer the magnificent creature you once were in his eyes. This sudden change confuses you and causes immense stress. Cortisol floods through you. You’re perpetually stressed and on edge.

But then it shifts again… he’s back and it’s like the beginning again. He gives you whatever love/attention/validation you need and you breathe a hearty sigh of relief and bask in the dopamine rush. But that doesn’t last and then he pulls away again. You are sucked in this cortisol/dopamine alternating cycle and you literally become addicted to it. The mechanism is the same as any other addiction. You can’t seem to find your way out.

Trauma bonds often occur with narcissists who have no empathy and will use you to serve whatever needs they have. But your partner doesn’t always have to be a narcissist to create a trauma bond. Sometimes two people are just toxic together. Sometimes on person is toxic and the other is too weak to walk away.

No matter what, the antidote goes back to one core concept: you must work on yourself and make your self-worth a priority so you don’t fall victim to these situations.

When you feel the intense pull, stop and pull back and think a little bit. Gain a more objective perspective- what am I really drawn to here? What’s really pulling me? What is the underlying need? In what ways does this feel familiar to me? Here is a little secret about the way our mind work: we are always drawn to the familiar, even if the familiar is bad and toxic, because the familiar feels like home. And there’s no place like home. There is a comfort in being home because if your home was far from comfortable!

So recognize your patterns and address those inner wounds that are setting you up for heartbreak and devastation.

Marriage is a big deal, it is the ultimate commitment, and not everyone wants to get married. If you want to get married, it can be devastating to learn that the man you love doesn’t want the same thing. Maybe he never wants to get married period, or maybe he just doesn’t want to marry you.

No one wants to waste their time on a dead end. No one wants to spend years upon years with someone who just isn’t–and maybe never was– on the same page. There are certain things you can look for, certain signs that will tell you whether the outcome you want is in the cards, but you have to actually look…and a lot of people don’t.

Sometimes it’s easier to just turn a blind eye to avoid having to face a truth that you really don’t want to accept…that maybe the man you love doesn’t want to marry you.

To help you gain perspective and see more clearly, here are 15 definitive signs that he is never going to marry you.

Top 15 Signs He’s Never Going to Pop the Question

1. He won’t give you a straight answer

He changes the subject whenever marriage comes up. And if he does address it, he only talks about it in a jokey, snarky way. You really have no idea where he stands at all, which is a huge red flag in a relationship.

2. He gets angry when you try to talk about it

When the topic of marriage or commitment comes up, he gets angry, defensive, and uncomfortable.

At the root of it, he probably feels incredibly guilty. He knows–consciously or subconsciously–that he doesn’t want to marry you, but he also doesn’t want you to leave, so he resents it when you put him in a position where he has to admit he can’t give you what you want. He wishes you would just leave the topic alone so he doesn’t have to deal with it and this comes across as anger and frustration.

3.  He won’t be “official”

Forget marriage, if he won’t even commit to giving you a label and being your official boyfriend (or if you had to badger him into finally calling you his girlfriend),  then he definitely doesn’t see you as his lifelong partner.

When you bring it up, he might say something along the lines of he likes things how they are, he doesn’t like labels, why change things?

These are just empty excuses. When a guy says he doesn’t want to be in an official relationship, he means he doesn’t want to be in an official relationship with you…he’s just enjoying your company in the meantime.

4. He doesn’t “believe in marriage”

He claims marriage is just a piece of paper… it doesn’t really mean anything… no good can come of it. Guys don’t speak in code; when he says something, believe him and don’t read into it!

Do not make the mistake of seeing this as some sort of challenge. Don’t make it your mission in life to turn him into a believer.

Take it for exactly what it is. If you want to get married, and he doesn’t then you either need to learn to be OK with that or you need to move on to someone who wants what you want.

5. He keeps you at a distance from his family and close friends

If you haven’t met his friends and family, that’s a huge red flag. If you have met his friends and family, but you don’t really know them, it’s a little less of a red flag but still a flag nonetheless.

If he doesn’t really bring you in; doesn’t really invite you to family functions; doesn’t really include you when he’s hanging out with his close friends; doesn’t really care if you like them or they like you; then it means he’s not really all that invested in you.

6. He still doesn’t know…

You’ve been together for many years, maybe you live together, you know each other in and out…. but he says he just “doesn’t know.” What this really means is he knows… he just doesn’t know how to tell you.

Guys usually know early on when they’ve met the one. Ask any married man when he knew his wife was “the one” and the answer will most likely be very early, like well before the six-months-together mark.

7.  He shuts you out

He won’t talk about problems with you. He withdraws and shuts you out. It almost seems like he’s about to break up with you. He doesn’t let you in and you don’t have a clue about his emotional world.

When a man lets a woman in, he’s investing in her. Men don’t readily strip off their masks and show their true colors to the world. They reserve this for a select and very special few. When a man lets you in, really in, he is deeply invested in you. When he builds walls, he’s trying to keep you out.

8. He can’t do conflict

Part of being in a healthy relationship entails being able to handle conflict. This won’t always be perfect, sometimes it will be messier than others, but both partners are on the same team. They are both trying to reach a resolution and they work together to get there. 

They don’t go into combat like enemies. Essentially, it’s the two of them against the problem, not the two of them against each other. The conflict is a means to find a resolution, not an opportunity to tear each other down. 

If he completely shuts down when an issue arises, or he deflects the blame onto you and maybe threatens to break up with you, it’s a big sign he’s not ready to get married. 

Marriage is a life-long partnership. Sometimes these partners don’t agree and that is where the strength of your relationship will come into question. If he won’t talk about it, won’t work on it, and shuts you out, then you can’t have much of a partnership. Instead, you’ll spend your life walking on eggshells for fear of rocking the boat. 

Conflict can often strengthen a couple. It can be a means for breakthroughs and deeper understanding. In the case of a guy who doesn’t want to marry you, he could be avoiding conflicts about the status of the relationship because he knows deep down he doesn’t want to marry you. At the same time, he doesn’t want to lose you… so he avoids. He avoids conflict and he avoids talking about it. 

This often isn’t conscious and it isn’t malicious. He may reason that he just needs more time to figure things out and so he pushes the discussion off so he doesn’t have to deal with it right now. 

Either way, when a guy won’t or can’t work with you when issues arise, it’s a big sign he’s not ready for marriage, or maybe just that he doesn’t want to marry you. 

9. He doesn’t really care about your future plans

You mention you might want to go to grad school and he doesn’t really care … or that you want to live in another country for a while … or have other goals for the future. He doesn’t care because he knows he won’t be affected by these things because you aren’t someone he sees as a long-term partner

He also doesn’t talk to you about his future plans, or if he does, they don’t really seem to include you.

10. He’ll propose to you as soon as…

As soon as he gets that promotion … as soon as the busy season is over …  as soon as he gets settled in his new house .. .as soon as he can afford a really nice ring … as soon as he feels really financially table … as soon as you guys stop fighting so much … as soon as the sky turns green.

It doesn’t matter how many of these “as soon as” he achieves, there will always be a new excuse. He’s just buying time with all these excuses about waiting for the “right time” which will come at no time.

11. You feel desperate and pathetic

How do you feel in this relationship? Be honest. If you feel needy, insecure, and desperate, then it’s a big sign you’re in a lopsided relationship, one where you are significantly more invested.

You should never have to beg and plead for a commitment. When it’s the right guy, he will eagerly and happily commit himself to you. He will do whatever it takes.

If you feel like you spend most of your time in the relationship convincing him to marry you… or trying to prove to him what a great wife you would be… it’s a sign that he is on a totally different page, a page that doesn’t include you or an aisle.

12. He has a pretty bleak view of marriage

He genuinely feels bad for married people, he thinks their lives are boring, dull,  and bleak. When a friend of his gets engaged, he feels pity, not joy.

He sees marriage as life in prison with the possibility of parole (i.e. divorce), but that comes at a risk of half your income and he would just rather not.

13. He downplays your relationship to others

When people ask about the relationship he downplays it and says it isn’t that serious. He doesn’t really seem all that proud to be your man. When a man is truly in love, he wants to show off his lady. He is proud to be her man, he feels like the luckiest guy in the world and he wants to show off his good fortune to anyone and everyone.

Another element of this is that his friends and family (if he has introduced you to them) don’t treat you like you’re someone special to him, you’re just another girl.

When a guy has found “the one” it’s just obvious and his friends and family all know it…and it comes across in the way they treat his girl.

14. He proposed…but won’t set a date

Maybe he finally caved and he popped the question … but he still clearly doesn’t want to get married.

Why would he do something like that? Maybe he wants to be sure and thinks if he makes a big move it will get him there. Or maybe he’s just buying more time, literally.

But then he has to face the music. He might stall, refuse to set a wedding date, basically through roadblocks at every station making wedding planning impossible

If you’ve been engaged for a few months and he still hasn’t set a date, and there isn’t a legitimately good reason why, odds are he never will.

15. You just know he’s not the guy for you

Sometimes you can get so caught up in trying to get him to choose you that you forget to ask yourself if he’s even right for you. You know the truth deep down, it’s just not always easy or pleasant to admit it.

There you have it. Signs he’s never going to marry you. I know this can be depressing to read, especially if more than a few of these ring true, but it’s better to know now. Don’t cheat yourself out of having what you want. Don’t stay with someone who clearly can’t give you what you want just because you’re afraid to go out there and start again from scratch. It’s much better to be alone than with someone who isn’t right for you.

In Summary…

1. He won’t give you a straight answer 
2. He gets angry when you try to talk about it
3. He won’t be “official”
4. He doesn’t “believe in marriage”
5. He keeps you at a distance from his family and close friends
6. He still doesn’t know…
7. He shuts you out
8. He can’t do conflict
9. He doesn’t really care about your future plans
10. He’ll propose to you as soon as…
11. You feel desperate and pathetic
12. He has a pretty bleak view of marriage
13. He downplays your relationship to others
14. He proposed…but won’t set a date
15. You just know he’s not the guy for you

A lot of people cope by playing the as soon as game.

I’ll feel fulfilled as soon as I have X amount of money, as soon as I lose X amount of weight, as soon as I get my dream job, as soon as I buy a home, as soon as I’m in a relationship, and on and on. We can spend a lifetime chasing the as soon as.

So let’s look at the most common reasons you may feel lonely or empty because you can’t solve a problem unless you know what the problem is.

1. Your life is unbalanced.

Balance is the key to a happy, fulfilled life. That means you make time for different areas that are important to you: time to take care of yourself, time to spend with friends, time to do something meaningful or pursue your passion.

Most people feel empty when their life skews too far in one direction, like when all they do is work and they’re too exhausted to do anything else. Or a stay-at-home mom who is only with her kids and doesn’t have time for friends or even herself. Or someone who abandons all other aspects of their life once they’re in a relationship and focuses solely on that.

There is a lot that needs to get done in a day and there never seems to be enough time so you will have to be clever and creative in your re-arranging but it can be done. If you find you have no time for things that are important to you, then consider letting go of things you do every day that are not important (ex- mindlessly scrolling on social media for hours on end). We make time for what matters. So really look at yourself and your life and determine what your priorities are.

2. You don’t really know who you are.

You can’t really know what fulfills you if you don’t even have a grasp on who you are. And a lot of people have no idea who they truly are. We live in a weird time of social isolation and social media overload and it’s hard to know who we are deep down. And even people who do know who they are can lose touch with themselves from time to time.

Most people keep going going going and don’t pause to think and reflect.

Knowing who you are will anchor you in life. When you don’t know who you are, you might feel aimless or like you’re running on autopilot.

Or maybe you get into the toxic habit of defining yourself according to your job, your status, or your relationship. Maybe you lose yourself completely in relationships and just mold yourself into what you think the other person wants.

I see this happen a lot and it’s devastating when these relationships fall apart because you don’t have a true self to fall back on.

One great way to discover yourself is to journal. Look at the things that happen in your life and write out how you feel. It doesn’t have to be beautiful prose, you’re not trying to be published. Just let it rip and see what comes out. And check in with yourself. Ask yourself: how did that experience make me feel? Would I want to do that again? Look at what makes you excited, what makes you feel alive and connected… and do more of those things!

3. You have unresolved trauma.

This can be a traumatic childhood or a traumatic breakup and anything in between. It’s way easier to run from the pain or numb the pain than it is to face it and deal with it.

But pain doesn’t go away just because it goes unacknowledged. You can ignore those feelings as long as you’d like, but they will still be in there, and they will come exploding out seemingly out of nowhere. Maybe someone says something innocent and you feel irrationally angry. You’re not angry at the person, these feelings come up because that person pressed on an unhealed wound.

We’ve all had that experience of becoming irrationally angry over something small. We know the emotion is real, we feel it, but we’re not sure why it came forth with such roaring intensity. Well, that’s usually your trauma talking. When this happens, you are experiencing the past in the present. And it can be hard to differentiate the two.

And those feelings are going to stay buried within you and will cause this gnawing empty feeling until you face them.

4. You don’t pursue your passions.

You may not even know what your passions are, this ties into not knowing who you are.

It’s essential to have meaningful goals and passions, and we all have them.

I remember finding mine. It was when I wrote my first book. I never felt more connected or more alive. I was barely sleeping because all I wanted to do was work and write. I felt like I transcended the human experience, I didn’t need food (I did still force myself to eat, though!) I didn’t need sleep, I didn’t need people. I just needed to write.

Granted, this caused problems when the book was complete because my life was unbalanced and then I felt empty again and had to go back into a mode of creating a balanced life that involved more than just typing away, but I did discover that wow, I really, really enjoy writing!

So find your thing. Maybe your career is also your passion, or maybe you don’t love your job and your passion is something else.

It could be cooking or painting or volunteering or learning an instrument or learning a new language or getting involved with a meaningful cause- find that thing that gives you a feeling of worth and passion.

5. You don’t have meaningful relationships.

When it comes to relationships, quality is so much more important than quantity. It is crucial to surround yourself with quality people who see you and love you for who you are.

And you have to nurture those relationships. It’s so easy to get caught up in the grind of daily life, relationships take effort.

If all you have are superficial relationships, you will feel an emptiness because we are naturally social creatures, we’re pack animals, and we need our social tank to be full.

You may also desperately seek a romantic relationship to plug up this hole and then rely too much on your relationship to fill your social needs.  This is a major mistake a lot of people make. It’s because it’s easy to just get lost in the rush and excitement of a new relationship but one person cannot fulfill all your social and emotional needs.

6. Too much time on social media.

Social media can sometimes (ok, maybe often) be absolute poison for our mental health. On the one hand, we know it’s not real. On the other, it’s hard not to look at these other people with their seemingly perfect lives and not feel like we’re missing out or we’re doing something wrong or we’re not enough.

This is why I personally don’t like following any perfectly curated accounts- yes, I like to follow people who inspire me, but also ones that are real, not always presenting the perfect facade.

Try to only follow accounts that make you feel inspired, not depressed or jealous and envious and angry.

And try to limit your time on social if possible and do other things that make you feel good.

I also want to add that feeling empty can also be a symptom of a number of mental health conditions- depression, anxiety, Bipolar disorder, PTSD, or various personality disorders. If you suspect this is the case, then I would highly advise you see a mental health professional to get properly diagnosed so you can learn to manage whatever is going on. As Dr. Phil says, you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, and that’s true. But that doesn’t provide a complete picture; it’s even better to have loved and lost and learned the lessons about why, grown from them, and moved on, than to have loved and lost and stayed obsessed with the other person and what went wrong.

It hurts, there’s no way around it. How can you move on? It’s true that time heals, but it’s not a passive process, it’s an active one. You need to put in some work before you can really move on, but in time you will and you’ll be even better than before.

How do you actively go about healing? Here are 6 steps to help the moving-on process.

How to Move On When You Still Love Your Ex

1. Follow the no contact rule

You must cut off all contact. It doesn’t matter how badly you want to hear his voice, or that you want to wish him happy birthday or good luck with the interview, or have a closure talk for the 50th time—no contact.

Do this for at least a month. It’s very important that you don’t spend that month obsessing over him. Spend it focusing on yourself and actively trying to move on and find happiness on your own. Spend time with friends and family, take a mini-vacation, get yourself to the gym. Dive into self-help, take a class. Don’t stalk him on social media or try to find ways to “run into him.” No contact means no contact, online or off.

If he contacts you, kindly tell him once that you need some time alone and to please not interfere with that. Ignore any future attempts of his to contact you, as any contact will just hinder the moving-on process.

Don’t try to be “friends” or anything like that, at least not now. That can only happen once you’re completely over him. Contact with him when your heart is still breaking is just setting yourself up to set yourself back.

Maybe he’ll be back in your life someday, maybe not. Don’t focus on that now. Focus on you.

2. Look back realistically

Part of the reason it’s so hard to move on is we’re mourning the loss of potential—what could have been, not what actually was. This isn’t about the actual person or relationship, it’s about what we hoped for. A breakup is like a death because it’s the death of this potential.

But chances are things weren’t perfect. If they had been, you wouldn’t have broken up. There were problems and they couldn’t be resolved, and you need to remember that.

Don’t think “If only things had been different,” “if only he could have been more like this.” There is no “if only,” there is only what is. Look at what actually happened, not how things could have been different. They weren’t.

If you keep saying to yourself “Everything was perfect but x,” the bottom line is everything was not perfect. It wasn’t and never could have been everything you hoped for.

3. Feel your feelings

Feelings don’t go away just because they go unacknowledged.

Deal with your anger, your grief, your sadness. Write out all the things left unsaid, all the feelings unexpressed. If you don’t get them out they’ll just continue cycling through you, throughout your entire being, blocking any chance at healing.

Give yourself a limit on the grieving, though. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, address them and acknowledge them, but don’t drag this process out forever. Life needs to go on. Give yourself maybe a week or two, then pick yourself up and move along.

Writing letters you don’t send can help get out all the feelings, maybe you’ll even discover some feelings you hadn’t known you had.

4. Try to forgive.

Maybe he didn’t apologize, it doesn’t matter. Forgive him anyway. It’s not about him, it’s about you. Forgiveness is freeing. Holding onto anger just poisons you.

Forgiving him doesn’t mean approving of anything he did or believing he’s a good person. Try to remember that most people don’t do things with purely evil intentions. Maybe he did something terrible, or maybe he didn’t treat you right, but realize that it probably wasn’t his intention.

See things from his perspective if you can and maybe even practice some empathy. Consider that he might have had a rough upbringing and might not be capable of love and commitment, and that’s incredibly sad for him. This doesn’t excuse any of his behavior or change the fact that he’s not right for you, but it can give you some perspective that will help you move on.

Most importantly, know that his behavior has nothing to do with you or your worthiness. How he treated you is a reflection of his own character, not your worthiness. How he felt about you is a reflection of what was going on with him and what he needs because of who he is, not a statement about who you are as a person.

You don’t need to tell him you forgive him (remember the no contact rule!) this can and should be a purely internal thing. You need to turn your focus inward, to caring for your own well-being. Don’t worry about what’s going on with him, it’s not your concern.

5. What can I learn from this?

There is always a lesson to learn … and when you can learn the lessons, you’ll come out better in the end.

You must have learned something here—something about yourself, something about love, something about being in a relationship—try to extract whatever you can and use it to be even better. If life is about anything, it’s about learning.

Don’t ever see it as a waste of time, see it as time spent learning lessons you needed to learn. Love is never wasted. If you can learn from the experience, you’ll bring what you learned into your next relationship and into your life overall.

6. Focus on self-love.

Forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made. It’s human to make mistakes. Nobody is perfect and it’s not possible to go back and do it all again. The only thing you can do is learn and move on.

Realize you deserve someone who wants the kind of relationship you want, someone who treats you well, someone who loves you just as much as you love him. If you feel unworthy then get help to uncover why that is, whether that’s by seeing a therapist or researching self-help books until you find one or two that speak to you. What makes you think you don’t deserve the things you want? Figure it out.

Rebuild the most important relationship of all—the one you have with yourself. Try new things, spend time with people you care about, travel, do things that make you feel inspired and alive.

Final Thoughts

We know that love is not enough, but when our hearts are breaking that knowledge doesn’t help us heal. You know you weren’t right for each other—the fact that you broke up is the ultimate sign of that. But you can love someone even when he’s not right for you, and how do you move on when you still love him?

These 6 steps really boil down to one thing—taking care of yourself. If you can’t care for yourself, you can’t care for someone else and you can’t have a happy relationship. Focus on you. Recognize that your own value is independent of anyone’s opinion of you. Know that you deserve to be happy. When you really get this, deep down, love will come.

In summary…

Six ways to move on when you still love your ex:

• Follow the no contact rule.
• Look back realistically.
• Feel your feelings.
• Try to forgive.
• What can I learn from this?
• Focus on self-love.

If he touches you physically in any way that harms or traumatizes you, it’s physical abuse. The most obvious example of physical abuse is hitting, but other forms of unwanted contact also apply, such as pushing, grabbing, kicking, pinching, restraining, and even unwanted sexual contact when you’ve said no or are being coerced into doing things with your body that you don’t want to. Physical abuse often starts with the use of less immediate violence meant to intimidate, such as reckless driving, throwing things, and hitting walls, but this is usually a prelude to more direct violence against you like hitting.

Emotional abuse takes a much more subtle form and isn’t so easy to detect. Since there isn’t physical evidence, we can rationalize and reframe experiences to fit the reality we want instead of the reality we have, keeping ourselves in a state of denial.

Perhaps one reason we might not see what’s happening is we don’t want to admit it to ourselves. When we’re in a relationship, we become invested. We have an interest in making things work out, and we become attached to the idea we initially had of what the relationship was like, even when it’s changed.

But even more importantly, women in abusive relationships often think that if they just change their own behavior, it will change their partner’s behavior, too. They think if they do everything perfectly, the way he likes, his behavior will change. But that’s not the way abusive relationships work. He is who he is, and how you behave won’t change that.

When we take responsibility for someone else’s bad behavior, by placing the blame either partially or entirely on ourselves, it’s a sign of a very unhealthy dynamic. We are not responsible for other people’s behavior. We do not “cause” our partners to somehow lose control and treat us badly. A person who’s abusing you will try to make you think that, but remember: he is responsible for his own behavior, just as you are responsible for yours.

Before we get into the signs of emotional abuse and how you can recognize it when it’s happening to you, let’s briefly go over why you might be staying in an emotionally abusive relationship even though you’re in pain.

• Emotional abuse can have a lasting and devastating impact on your emotional health and sense of self, and it can take years to undo the damage. If you were emotionally abused as a child, or even in a later significant relationship, your self-esteem was affected as well as your ability to recognize what’s normal or healthy. You may stay because it feels comfortable to you, or because you don’t really know that it’s not normal.
• When we’re hurt or upset by how we’re being treated, we may worry that we’re overreacting or being overly dramatic. Abusers trivialize the feelings and thoughts of the people they abuse, and if you’ve gotten trapped into playing that role then you will begin believing whatever he believes, including that your feelings don’t matter very much.
• You know things don’t feel good right now, but you hold onto the hope that it will all change at some magical point in the future. This can happen in dysfunctional relationships that aren’t technically abusive, too. The stakes are just higher when there is abuse because the resulting emotional damage will be worse.
• When you’re in it, you can’t see clearly. Even though things are horrible, they start to feel normal. Once you get out (and stay out long enough to clear your head), you wonder how you could have ever let yourself get so deeply entrenched in something so awful.

Now let’s look at signs of emotional abuse you should never ignore. If you’re experiencing any of these situations, you are likely suffering from emotional abuse, and you need to seek some support to help you regain control of the situation and take care of yourself.

12 Signs of Emotional Abuse

1. You don’t trust yourself anymore

Once upon a time you probably had a sense of what was acceptable and what wasn’t, of what happened and what didn’t, of how you felt … now you’re all jumbled and confused.

This is how you feel when someone tries to make you feel crazy by insisting something you know is true isn’t. This is known as “gaslighting” and is a common feature in emotionally abusive relationships. Basically, it means he manipulates you by causing you to question your own sanity.

He makes you doubt your memory and perception of events, claiming certain things didn’t happen when you feel certain they did. He makes you doubt the validity of your feelings, saying you have no right to be upset or feel hurt. He makes you doubt your feelings altogether, telling you that you were angry with him during a conversation when you know you weren’t.

Little by little you begin to doubt yourself and eventually you don’t trust yourself or your own perceptions of things anymore … maybe you are emotionally unstable like he says, maybe you do have a selective memory, maybe you are just totally messed up in the head.

2. It’s never his fault

He takes no responsibility for any issues in the relationship. If you have a problem, it’s your problem. He’s not unhappy with the way things are, so you need to get over it or deal with it, and his participation is not required.

If he does something that crosses the line, he justifies it by saying that if you hadn’t been acting so annoying/needy/demanding/difficult, then he wouldn’t have said or did what he did. Basically, it’s always your fault and never his.

But it doesn’t stop at the relationship. All of his failures lead back to you. If he loses his job or has a falling out with a neighbor or upsets one of your kids, you can bet he will twist what happened and use gaslighting to turn you into the one deserving of blame and him into the victim.

3. You feel like it’s your fault

Not only does he never take responsibility for any failure or problems in his relationship with you or in his life—you end up taking full responsibility for all the problems.

Abusers are master manipulators, and since he knows how to push your buttons you will buy into his twisted reality. You’ll feel shame, like you brought it upon yourself, like you deserve to be treated this way, like you just can’t do anything right.

Because your self-esteem is shot, you’ll think you’re lucky to have a man at all, even if you’re not happy, so you need to just suck it up and deal. Emotionally abusive relationships can deeply penetrate our psyches and change the way we think about ourselves. If we think this is what we deserve, it can be hard to walk away.

4. Puts you down a lot

The criticism is endless. You constantly feel put down and humiliated, like you’re not good enough. This can be overt or subtle, from telling you outright that you’re stupid to simply ignoring you or rolling his eyes when you say something.

The put-downs and cruelty can be in private or in front of other people. Some abusers keep their horrible side secret, only turning on you when nobody else is around to see it. This can be very isolating, since who would believe such a nice guy would ever be cruel to you?

Other abusers turn on you in public, which is isolating in a different way when people ignore it or pretend like nothing wrong has taken place. They may be embarrassed, unsure if they should interfere, or not know what to do. Unfortunately, this can make you question yourself even more and give him more ammunition to gaslight you with. After all, if he’d said or done something wrong, why would everyone act like everything was okay?

When you get upset, he says he was just “joking” or that you’re being too sensitive or acting like a drama queen. Jokes should be funny, not hurtful, and this is a classic line of an abuser.

He will rarely acknowledge your accomplishments or your strengths, and even when he does he’ll always finds a way to stick a jab in there. Maybe he’ll congratulate you on your promotion at work, even taking you out to celebrate, but “joke” about how it was only due to your neglect of your children or him, or imply you got the promotion because you’re a woman or because your boss is attracted to you, not because of your accomplishments or because you truly deserved it.

5. He won’t hear you out

He gets annoyed anytime you try to talk about the relationship or how you feel. Your feelings don’t matter, and so he’s not interested in hearing about them.

He shows no empathy or compassion for your pain and your hurt, and has no interest in understanding what caused it or how he can prevent it from happening again. This can be very hard for the abused person to understand. She thinks she only needs to explain clearly, to make him understand, and once he does he will change and behave in a way that shows love instead of contempt.

That is what a rational person does when they realize they’re hurting someone they love and have the power to stop it. The problem here is she’s trying to be rational with someone who’s not coming from a place of reason. An abuser does not want to make you happy, he wants to control you.

He may stonewall, meaning he shuts down and withdraws completely from the interaction. He may stop responding to your texts, refuse to take your calls, or even block your number or give you the silent treatment, refusing to acknowledge your existence even when you’re right in front of him. You feel like you’re coming against a brick wall, or like you’re invisible.

Or he might get angry and accuse you of constantly being unhappy or of always nagging him about whatever you brought up, when that isn’t the case. Maybe you haven’t tried to initiate a heart-to-heart about what’s bothering you for a year or more, but he says you’ve been nagging him about it for weeks.

You feel guilty for even having issues because it upset him, and you question your own judgment about how valid your feelings are … maybe you are crazy and too dramatic … maybe you should just keep your mouth shut …

6. He’s controlling

He needs to know exactly where you’re going, who you’ll be with, what you’ll be doing, and for how long. And you can be sure he’ll call or text multiple times during your outing … or he’ll ignore you during the outing and long after (the silent treatment) in order to punish you for going out to begin with.

He shows no respect for your privacy. He will read your texts and emails and go through your things. He doesn’t view you as a person separate from him deserving of privacy—you are just an object to him, one he has to control.

He may convince you that it’s because he cares, or maybe you convince yourself that this is his way of showing love, but it’s not. This isn’t care; it’s control.

He not only controls your communications with other people and the time you spend with them, he controls how you dress. He’s prone to jealousy and will fly off the handle if you step outside the bounds of what he deems acceptable, whether in how you dress or what you say to someone.

7. When he’s good, he’s so good

Emotional abusers aren’t all bad 100% of the time, and this is what makes them so dangerous! When times are good, they are so good. They are experts at seeing when you’re about to throw in the towel and they’ll modify their behavior to make you stick around.

Most of the time an emotional abuser will dismiss your feelings, but then every now and then he will apologize profusely and validate your feelings. This can cause you to think that maybe you really didn’t have a right to be upset all those other times he wouldn’t apologize. After all, he’s being reasonable now, so maybe he was those other times, too?

His good behavior once again scrambles your mind and your memories. He becomes super loving and affectionate. He gives you nice gifts, he’s sweet, he compliments you. But then he takes those things away, swiftly and without warning, and since he was being so great before, you’ll think the sudden change is your fault. That you did something to push him away.

8. He’s Jekyll and Hyde

You’re never sure who is going to show up—the mean, cold, distant partner, or the kind, loving, affectionate one. His moods seem totally beyond your control. You try your best to please him and do exactly what you know he wants, but his reaction isn’t consistent: sometimes you’re rewarded and other times you’re belittled

He is hot and cold to the extreme. He does this because he wants you to be insecure and fearful, the better to control you and ensure he always has the upper hand. He may even be nice to you much of the time, because if he treated you badly all the time or the majority of the time, you might leave. So he treats you well just enough to give you hope that he’s on the way to loving you the way you want to be loved, and you stay.

9. You are always on edge

You’re walking on eggshells. You don’t feel comfortable in the relationship, and you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Again, this is because he wants you to be insecure and fearful because he can better manipulate you that way.

You’re scared to say anything at all because no matter what you say, everything turns into a huge fight. You’re afraid of his anger and what he’ll say or do if you provoke him, and the punishment may be severe, whether public humiliation or the silent treatment.

Basically, you’ve learned that his behavior is erratic—Jekyll and Hyde—and so you can’t relax because you don’t know who you’ll be faced with at any given moment.

10. You are always saying sorry first

Because you question your sanity and because he is so strong in his convictions that he did nothing wrong, you always seem to be the one apologizing first, and he acts like he’s doing you some grand favor by accepting your apology.

Maybe you’re apologizing to restore the peace, or maybe you’ve reached the point of genuinely believing all the awful things he says to you. If you’ve internalized his beliefs that you are a terrible person, you’re selfish, you’re a drama queen, you’re too emotional, and whatever other insults he’s been feeding you, you’ll be the first to say sorry because you’ll genuinely think you should be.

11. Your friends and family are concerned

You probably don’t want to hear it, and you may think they just don’t understand how your relationship works or what kind of stress he’s under. You may even think that they’re jealous or trying to ruin your life … but hear them out anyway.

They have objectivity and you don’t. They care about you. Listen to what they have to say, really listen. If everyone in your life doesn’t approve, if they’ve noticed you’ve changed for the worse, if they are able to articulate the way you feel, even though you don’t want to admit to feeling that way yourself, then they probably know you pretty well and are onto something.

12. You’ve changed

Your friends and family aren’t the only ones who notice—you notice it, too.

You just don’t feel like yourself anymore, and you’re even confused about who you are when you stop to think about it—what you like, what you believe in, what matters to you. You are no longer the fun, confident, happy girl. You are dark and sad and insecure and on edge.

It may not happen right away, but after enough emotional abuse, you will become a shell of your former self, someone you don’t know or like anymore.

But there is always a way back to who you really are. When you recognize the signs that you’re being emotionally abused and stop denying it, that is the first step towards regaining control of your identity and your life. The next step is seeking help, whether from family, friends, support groups, or by calling a hotline. It takes a lot of bravery to ask for help and to pull yourself out of an abusive relationship, one that probably took a very long time to get trapped in.

The top 12 most common signs of emotional abuse:

1. You don’t trust yourself anymore
2. It’s never his fault
3. You feel like it’s your fault
4. Puts you down a lot
5. He won’t hear you out
6. He’s controlling
7. When he’s good, he’s so good
8. He’s Jekyll and Hyde
9. You are always on edge
10. You are always saying sorry first
11. Your friends and family are concerned
12. You’ve changed

Everybody wants to be charming. When you see someone who seems to easily captivate the attention of anyone in a room, it’s natural to want to emulate that. While it can seem like something that you either have or you don’t, the reality is you can become that person if you want to.

People who are magnetic don’t just roll out of bed and attract others like moths to a flame. It takes effort, and the better you get at it, the more effortless it will look. This doesn’t mean manipulating anyone – in fact, forcing false qualities or playing mind games will repel others.

If you want to become one of those people who seem to be able to talk to anyone, and charm any man you meet with ease, you can. Some people are effortlessly charming, others need a little help, and that’s where this article will come in.

How to Have a Charming Attitude

Be interested in others

Showing off and talking yourself up isn’t charming, being genuinely interested in other people is.

It feels good when someone shows an interest in your life. When a person is categorically curious about you, it makes you feel special. You can do this for other people by asking questions about their life – their job, hobbies, and family.

Make it a goal that you will listen more than you will speak in a conversation. This is a simple way to make sure you’re asking enough questions. Truly listen when the other person is talking. It feels awful when you can tell someone is just waiting for you to finish talking so they can speak.

Act like you’re old pals

Before you meet someone new, imagine that you already like them. This will change your demeanor. You’ll be smiley, friendly, and your regular guard will be lowered.

Acting like you’re already friends with someone will make them feel like they can trust you. They might be able to skip past the small talk portion of the “getting-to-know-you” phase and discuss things that are actually compelling to them.

Remember their name, and use it often

Using someone’s name carries a real impact. On a basic level, it lets the other person know that they are significant enough for you to remember and confidently use their name. If they are not fully invested in a conversation with you, using their name will be a tug that brings you into focus.

When you meet someone new, be sure you get their name right. If you didn’t quite catch it, feel free to clarify during that first introduction. They will be flattered that you want to get right. Use their name again when you leave.

Talk about yourself without talking yourself up

While you want to make sure the majority of a conversation is not about you, it’s still a good idea to share a few things. If you avoid spilling any personal information, you will come across as cold and overly guarded. The fastest way to make someone else feel comfortable being vulnerable is to open up yourself.

Don’t share anything that comes across as more of a “humble brag” than actually intriguing information about yourself. It’s much better for someone else to talk you up than for you find a way to slip in impressive details about your life.

How to Be Physically Charming

Smile

A smile is the perfect code for “safe.” It makes you appear kind and approachable. It invites others to feel at ease around you. There’s a reason some experts suggest making yourself smile to trick yourself into feeling happier – your body language matters.

A false smile with the wrong motives usually comes across as transparent to others. Try to smile genuinely, and with warmth.

Use warm touch

Avoid using this with someone you literally just met, but once you know they would be okay with it, try small touches. A hand pressed to a shoulder in a gesture of camaraderie can send a sweet message. Some people like high-fives or playful nudges in the arm. You can usually tell pretty quickly if someone is comfortable with this kind of thing, so note their body language and reactions.

Eye contact

Dodging eye contact can come across as a little suspicious, like you have something to hide. For people who are naturally anxious, it can be hard to maintain strong eye contact. Practice doing this, because it creates intimacy.

In today’s world, people are often looking at their phones while you’re speaking. If you’re someone who regularly looks people in the eye while they’re speaking, it will stand out and make you easier to connect with.

Watch your stance

It’s often said that charming people make you feel like “the most important person in the world.” One of the ways they do this is by showing you that you have their undivided attention. Use your body to signal this.

Keep your feet facing in their direction. Don’t angle so you’re half turned away. Additionally, don’t cross your arms. Keeping your body open shows that you are listening attentively.

Be confident

If you’re struggling to feel confident, adopt the body language of someone who would be. This means no fidgeting or staring at your phone as soon as you’re on your own. Stillness shows a certain sense of ease.

Smiling, maintaining eye contact, and keeping your body language relaxed are all excellent ways to portray inner confidence.

How to Be a Charming Conversationalist

Make people feel good

The reason why charming people are so beloved is they have a way of making others feel really good. But they aren’t fake about it, they are able to be real and genuine and this is what really strikes a chord.

When trying to make others feel good, go about this in as organic a way as possible. Offering a compliment about work they have done is one option. You could also ask where they got the shirt they are wearing. Be cautious as lavishing compliments on someone can come across as disingenuous.

If they confess an insecurity, this is a solid opportunity to reassure them. It’s even better if you can relate to their anxiety and make them feel less alone.

Don’t dismiss compliments

Accepting compliments can be challenging, especially for women. You don’t want to come across as arrogant by quickly agreeing. However, dismissing a compliment and disagreeing is tedious for the person who tried to compliment you. It puts them in the position of either smiling awkwardly or arguing with you about whether or not you deserve the compliment.

The best approach for accepting a compliment is being honestly grateful. Smiling and saying thank you is all you need to do.

Be a good listener

Everyone loves to talk to a good listener. Someone who puts aside distractions and actually listens to you is very valuable. You’ll walk away from the conversation feeling like your opinions were worthy of being heard.

Don’t pick out one thing that someone says and craft your response to that as they continue speaking. If you immediately start chattering as soon as the last word leaves their lips, they’ll feel like they wasted their time. Listen carefully and don’t try to “win” the conversation.

Don’t talk badly about people

Everybody knows at least one person who is always full of gossip. This person often spreads negativity without much of a thought. After a while, you realize that anything you’ve told this person has probably been passed around pretty thoroughly. Having your trust violated feels very disheartening.

Keep information about others to yourself. Be a vault that people know they can depend on with confidence. A perfect rule of thumb is to never say anything about anyone that you wouldn’t say if they were standing right in front of you.

In Summary…

How to be charming:

1. Be interested in others
2. Act like you’re already friends
3. Remember their name and use it often
4. Talk about yourself without bragging
5. Smile a lot
6. Use warm touch
7. Make eye contact
8. Angle your body towards the other person
9. Be confident
10. Make people feel good
11. Take compliments with grace
12. Be a good listener
13. Don’t talk badly about others

When you meet a guy and feel that ever-evasive click, it’s really hard to tear yourself away no matter how loud the alarm bells sound. I get it. I’ve been there and I’ve lived it and I’ve suffered the inevitable consequences of staying in these damaging relationships for a little too long.

If you want to have success in your love life and avoid heartbreak and pain, you have to choose wisely. That means choosing someone who wants what you want (and more importantly, someone who wants you, not someone you have to chase to pin down).

And with that, here is my ultimate list of signs you’re dating a guy that you need to be running away from. Be honest with yourself. If a few of these hit a little too close to home it’s time to get some cardio and hit the pavement!

11 Red Flags To Run From

1. He’s a damage case.

A damage case is a guy with a lot of potential buried under a pile of issues.

You have great chemistry with him and there’s just something about him that lures you in, clenching you in an unrelenting grip. You think … “If only I can help him conquer his demons, then we’ll have an amazing relationship.”

This is never how these stories unfold. More likely, he can’t get his act together and the woman who poured every ounce of her being into helping him ends up absolutely broken hearted. If a guy needs fixing before he can become someone date-able, you need to move along. You want a partner, not a project.

2. He’s jealous.

A little bit of jealousy can be sweet and even a little endearing, but if he flies off the handle anytime you so much as look in the direction of another guy, he has issues and you need to stay away. Only a highly insecure girl will be flattered by this.

Him losing his mind anytime you mention another man’s name isn’t romantic, it’s controlling and a sign of many more alarming issues that will inevitably surface.

3. He says he “doesn’t want a relationship right now”

I’ve said it a million times and I’ll say it a million more until everyone really gets it: If a man says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, believe him. Most of the time it means he doesn’t want a relationship with you. So why doesn’t he just dump you? Well, he still kind of likes you. He enjoys your company, he’s attracted to you, and he doesn’t have anyone else at the moment so he keeps you around … usually until that “better thing” comes along. Or until he’s just really over it.

Or maybe he does really really like you, but the timing is off or he’s dealing with emotional issues and he just can’t give you the commitment you want (or any sort of commitment, really). Well, this might be less of a blow to your ego, but you still need to get away and fast. The longer you stay, the more time you waste and the harder it will be to extricate yourself from the situation.

You can’t make someone ready. You can’t fix or change someone else. You can’t force someone into feeling what you want them to feel. Just accept what is and move on with your head held high.

4. He’s selfish.

It’s all about him. If you text him and he doesn’t answer for a few hours, that’s totally fine. But if you don’t answer his texts promptly, it’s a problem!

He needs you to be there when he wants you there, and he’s annoyed if you need anything from him. The relationship seems to revolve around his needs and his schedule and his time table. There’s no room for you and what you want. If this sounds familiar and applies to your situation, you need to get away.

5. You don’t want the same things.

Chemistry can only take you so far – in order for a relationship to last, you need common values. That is, you need to have a shared vision of what you want and how you want to live your lives.

Everyone values different things and it’s important to have these conversations and get on the same page. If he doesn’t want what you want — he doesn’t want the same kind go relationship, doesn’t want kids, doesn’t want to bring religion into the home, doesn’t want to live in a city, etc., then cut your losses before you get in too deep.

6. You can’t be yourself around him.

If you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, like your true self isn’t “good enough,” like you have to act a certain way and say certain things in order to keep the peace or keep him interested, then this is not the guy for you.

With the right guy, you feel comfortable and at ease. You can just be. If you are constantly on edge (and this isn’t a result of your own deeply rooted insecurities), then he most likely isn’t a match for you.

7. He doesn’t prioritize you.

If you feel like you’re on the back burner, it’s probably because you’re on the back burner. A guy will do this if he’s only somewhat interested in a woman. He keeps her around because he sort of likes her and he enjoys her company and he doesn’t have anyone else in the rotation, but he’s not really in it.

When a guy is in it, the woman knows. It’s obvious. He makes her a priority. If you are always coming in second or third place to something else, it means he’s just not interested in you enough to pursue a real relationship and you should move on.

8. He’s married or in a relationship with someone else.

This may sound obvious, but I have to include it due to the high volume of questions I receive from women who are involved with already involved men.

Ladies, these situations rarely ever work out in the other woman’s favor. (They don’t exactly work out in the main woman’s favor either, this is just an all-around awful situation.) If he’s with someone else, then you have to run, don’t walk, away from this guy. I’ll say it again, these situations never, ever, ever end well!

I don’t care how much you like him and how good he makes you feel or how hot your intimate life is, you’re better than this and deep down you know it.

9. You don’t trust him.

Trust is essential for a relationship to survive. If you can’t quite get there with him … if you constantly feel suspicious or have a hard time buying what he’s selling, it’s a big red flag that something is amiss.

Again, you need to be honest with yourself. Are you just not a trusting person in general? Or, is he just acting shady and it’s not sitting right with you? Remember, you can’t have anything without trust.

10. He doesn’t take responsibility for anything.

You’ll see this come out as time goes on and the relationship is more established. If everything seems to be your fault and he never owns up to anything, it’s a major red flag.

You aren’t responsible for the entire relationship or his emotional wellbeing. And if any relationship strife or negative emotions he experiences are pinned as being you’re fault, he is not someone you want to be involved with. This is not only a sign of an emotionally immature person, it’s also a big sign of narcissism.

11. You just feel it in your gut.

Don’t silence that voice of reason that’s desperately trying to chime in. Listen to what she has to say because deep down, you already know the truth.

I fell in what I thought was love for the first time when I was in college. I was crazy about him but the relationship was totally toxic and dysfunctional (for a lot of the reasons on this list!). A small voice inside always said he would leave me for someone else and it hung over the relationship like a cloud. It wasn’t my paranoia, the writing was on the wall, I just didn’t want to see it. Well, just shy of a year into our relationship he left me for someone else without giving it a second thought. My point here is: listen to what you already know. You can save yourself a world of heartache.

In summary…

These are the signs you’re dating a guy you should be running away from:

1. He’s a damage case.
2. He’s jealous
3. He says he “doesn’t want a relationship right now.”
4. He’s selfish
5. You don’t want the same things
6. You can’t be yourself around him
7. He doesn’t prioritize you.
8. He’s married or in a relationship with someone else.
9. You don’t trust him.
10. He doesn’t take responsibility for anything.
11. You just feel it in your gut.

No one intends to get into a dead-end relationship. Most of us want that real, true, long-lasting love and our quest for it can sometimes lead us to stay in situations that are the opposite of what we want.

Why does it happen? Well, we get so caught up in the potential of what could be, rather than looking at what is.

You’re dating this guy and he just checks so many boxes. And you rarely experience this kind of chemistry so you would be foolish to let it slip away! Sure, he doesn’t seem to be on the same page as you, but maybe with just a little encouragement, you’ll be able to get him there.

Maybe once he sees how amazing you are … maybe if you can help him get over the ex who broke his heart … maybe if you can just wait it out a little longer … then he’ll step up and be who you want him to be.

I’ve deluded myself in this way many times and I’ve seen many others do it as well so I can tell you: this never turns out well! 

Don’t let yourself be lured by what could be, look at the situation as it is right here, right now, and then decide what you’d like to do. To help you get there, these are the biggest signs you’re wasting your time with him and he isn’t going to commit to you.

Signs He’s Not Going To Commit

The reasons don’t matter, the facts do. Most likely he means he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. It’s also possible he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now. Maybe he wants to focus on his career, maybe he’s not emotionally ready to settle down, maybe he likes being single and free, it really doesn’t matter.

He may have some really great reasons, but again, it doesn’t change things. He probably also does have feelings for you. Again, it doesn’t change anything if he doesn’t want to be with you.

2. He’s wishy-washy

One day he’s super into you, the next he’s cold and distant. You guys are attached at the hip one week, and then he disappears for days or weeks at a time.

Sometimes he seems like he’s in love with you, other times you feel like a nuisance to him. So what’s going on?

Wishy-washy behavior, or sending “mixed signals” is usually a sign of uncertainty. He’s just unsure of you.

He likes you, he’s attracted to you, he has fun with you, but he’s just not sure if he wants to be in a relationship with you.

3. He is still active on dating apps

He might be sneaky about this and tell you he deactivated his account … and you believe him until one of your friends comes across him while swiping …

Maybe he makes excuses and tells you, “Well, I never log in so what’s the big deal?”

Or maybe he’s honest with you and says yeah, he still uses his account because you guys aren’t official so he isn’t doing anything wrong.

Either way, if he’s active on dating apps it’s a sign that he hasn’t quite found what he’s looking for.

4. He openly flirts with other women in front of you

A lot of the times we say how we feel through actions more than words, this is especially true of men.

A man might not come out and tell you: “I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you,” but he’ll show you he’s not serious through his actions. One way to get the point across loud and clear is to flirt with other women in front of you.

Now you might make the mistake of thinking he’s just trying to make you jealous because he likes you so much (at least, that’s a mistake, or rather a self-imposed delusion, that I’ve made in the past!) but what’s more likely is he’s showing and affirming that he is a free man who can do as he pleases.

5. He talks about the future … and you’re not in it

He might talk about how he wants to go live in Europe for a few years, or he wants to move away and change jobs or get out of the city and live a suburban life.

That’s all well and good, but he doesn’t seem to be factoring you into any of these plans, he doesn’t even ask for your opinion on city versus suburbs, he just tells you this is his plan and doesn’t really seem to care if you’re there for this imagined future or not.

6. The relationship is stagnant

You’ve been in the same spot for months or years. You’re not growing closer in any way, or he refuses to take the next step, whether it’s to be an “official” couple, to move in together, to get engaged, set a date, and so forth.

You just have no idea where this is going and when you try to talk to him about it he deflects or gives you vague answers.

7. He doesn’t share his true self with you

When a man is truly invested in a woman, he will share his true self with her. He will allow her to really see him, to see the man beneath the mask.

If your conversations are all surface level and he doesn’t really open up or show vulnerability, then he might not be truly invested in you.

At the same time, don’t mistake a guy who is all feelings and emotions and vulnerability with a guy who is serious about you. This can also sometimes be a sign of a guy wasting your time because this guy is a mess and just looking for a crutch to lean on while he gets himself together.

8. You just know this isn’t how it’s supposed to be

You know that this isn’t what true love is supposed to feel like. You know something is off, you just don’t want to admit it because you don’t want to have to leave and start all over again with someone new. You’re already in this so you try to just make it work and figure it out even if that means wasting more of your precious time!

Inaccurate Signs He’s Wasting Your Time

Don’t ruin something good by overthinking his behavior. Here are some inaccurate signs that he’s “wasting your time” and what they really mean.

1. He’s taking space

Sometimes men need space, it’s how they deal with stress and emotional turmoil. If your guy is backing away a bit and not as attentive, it doesn’t mean he’s wasting your time. He’s most likely dealing with something and he wants to work it through on his own so he can come back into the relationship better than ever.

2. He texts less often

At the beginning of a relationship, you’re on a high. You can’t stop thinking about the other person and want to talk to them all day every day. And in the beginning, you may engage in these marathon chat sessions. But this isn’t sustainable long term. People have jobs and school and lives! You can’t just be pinging back and forth all day long.

As things get more settled, he may not text as voraciously but that’s a good thing. First, it’s too much to do that all day! Next, it means he is settling back into a more normal rhythm because he’s getting more comfortable with you.

3. He says he can’t commit right now but….

… he plans on committing to you and he gives you a concrete timeline. Or he explains to you that he wants to wait until he’s more established at his job or until the busy season is over, and he means it. He doesn’t just keep coming up with one excuse after the next.  And not only that- he follows through. He doesn’t leave you in no man’s land. You know he’s committed to you. He doesn’t just tell you, he shows you (remember: men communicate through actions more than words).

What to Do If He’s Wasting Your Time

So you’ve read our roundup and have deduced that he is wasting your time and you’re in a dead-end relationship. What now?

Do you pull away and try to make him chase you? If he doesn’t reply to your text for an hour should you wait three hours before responding to him?

No and no. If a guy is wasting your time there is only one thing to do: leave.

That’s it. Don’t wait around. Don’t try to prove your worth. Don’t pretend to be something you think he wants.

Look, if you walk away and he lets you go, then at least you know it was never going to work out. Men don’t just let women they love walk away without a fight.

And if you leave and he comes after you, and not only that, he actually steps up and takes some next step, then great! You have a chance.

Just beware of guys who come after you and then don’t change and fall back into the same pattern. If he begs for you back and you give him another chance … but then he comes up with a whole new slew of excuses about why he can’t commit, then let it go for real. As they say, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

How to Never Waste Time Again

The antidote here is to have high self-worth. It’s to know what you want and know that you deserve to have it. If you want a commitment, don’t settle for the scraps some guy is willing to throw your way.

And don’t tell yourself that you should hold onto this because you’ll never find better. Or that this is better than being alone.

Being alone might be lonely at times, but being in the wrong relationship can be damaging – which would you choose?

You can get the love you want, you just need to be clear on what it is that you want and stop wasting time on what you don’t want.

Some guys are super upfront about what they want. Others either accidentally or purposefully send mixed messages. Regardless of how he goes about expressing it, some guys are just not ready for a relationship.

It could be that he’s not in the right stage of life for a commitment. Maybe he just doesn’t like you enough to jump into a relationship. We know this is easier said than done, but don’t take that personally! It happens to everyone.

If you suspect your current crush isn’t feeling a relationship, pay attention to that doubt. Considering how easy it is to fall into the trap of self-deception, we have to be vigilant. Be honest with yourself before you end up wasting time on the wrong guy.

12 Signs He Just Wants To Hook Up

To help you avoid that exact scenario, here are the top twelve signs he only wants to hook up:

1. He’s wishy-washy with you

Haven’t we all experienced the guy who’s hot and cold? One day everything’s going great. He texts you frequently, checks in on how your day is going and makes you feel like a priority. But the next day, all you get is a half-hearted text at 10pm. If a guy is all over the place, that’s a red flag.

When a guy is really into you, he’s dependable. He doesn’t wait until he’s run out of other things to do before replying to your text. You’ll have at least an approximate idea of how long it will take to hear from him again. Instead of acting unpredictably, he’ll be clear and consistent.

If he’s only showing interest sporadically, it probably means he just enjoys hooking up.

2. He’s more into your looks than anything else

As flattering as it is when a guy compliments your appearance, pay close attention to what other kinds of admiration he offers you. Does he also commend your personality, work ethic, or accomplishments? On that topic, does he even ask about those other aspects of your life?

Since everyone appreciates being seen by another person, it’s easy to be distracted by the physical. As women, we typically work hard on our appearances and enjoy when a man recognizes that. Appearance-driven conversations and compliments can quickly lead to an imitation of real intimacy. Deep down, though, you know that kind of talk is just surface level.

So ask yourself: Does he really see me beyond just my physical appearance?

3. He doesn’t take you on actual dates

Have your last few “dates” consisted of a lot of Netflix and chill? If all your activities reside on a couch or a bed, take note. It’s not just a sign that he’s bad at planning dates, it means he’s not even pretending to put the effort in.

Driving over to your house, or simply asking you to come over, shows zero initiative. When a guy wants to impress you, he’ll come up with ideas of fun things to do together. Even men who are not terribly creative will ask their friends or the Internet for ideas.

Sure, sometimes a night-in can be romantic and entertaining. But if all you have are nights in, then it’s a sign that you’re in a situationship rather than a real one.

4. He tells you he doesn’t want a relationship right now

Some of you are raising a skeptical eyebrow at this one. Although it seems obvious, it still needs to be said. For some reason, many women hear this statement and translate it into an entirely new one!

“I don’t want a relationship right now,” is not code for “I’m just waiting for the perfect woman to change my mind.” It also doesn’t mean that he’ll be ready next week or next month.

Instead of plotting how you’ll become the incredible woman that changes him, take his words at face value. Do you really want to have to convince a guy you’re worth a relationship? You deserve better than that, and he deserves to be taken at his word. When he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him.

5. He doesn’t try to get to know you

Next time you’re talking to him, observe the tone and direction of the conversation. What kinds of questions does he ask you? When you answer him, does he follow up to understand more clearly or just move on to another topic?

When you’re falling for someone, every detail about them is like discovering gold. You want to know when their birthday is, how they like their coffee, and what their relationship with their mother is like. Meanwhile, when you’re only here for a hookup, those more intimate details never really come up … and you don’t pay much attention when they do.

Another key factor to watch for here is when the conversation turns sexual. Does he constantly find every opportunity to bring it back to sex? There’s nothing wrong with a flirty chat, but a guy who’s serious about you will respect you enough to discuss the deeper topics, too.

6. He doesn’t introduce you to his people

Keeping you isolated from his normal circle of loved ones is a major red flag. Even if he’s only the type to visit family on special occasions, if a guy is serious about you he’ll make an effort to introduce you to them when he gets a chance. If he avoids this, there’s a reason.

In addition to the family introductions, who are his friends? What people make up his social circle? A man who sees a future for the two of you will definitely want you to meet his people. Besides wanting to see how you all get along, he’ll probably want to ask his close friends what they think.

It’s pretty endearing how a guy wants to show off the woman in his life to his loved ones. When he purposefully keeps you away from his circle, that likely means he only sees a short and casual relationship.

7. He’s still active on dating apps

It’s not an absolute rule that a guy should delete his dating apps after only a couple of dates with someone. There’s definitely some wiggle room here. But if you’ve seen each other a handful of times and he’s expressing interest in continuing, it’s worth a conversation.

All of that aside, the point here is whether he’s still active on the apps. Some guys will take the deceptive route and tell you they deleted the apps even if they haven’t. Others will be upfront about the truth that they are still looking around.

Whether or not he’s honest about the apps, if he’s still swiping, he’s not serious about you. If he views you as a casual fling, he’ll have no qualms about entertaining other prospects.

8. He openly flirts with other women

Ouch, this one stings to witness. Whether he winks at your waitress, acts a little too friendly with one of your friends, or openly hits on someone, all of this behavior is a massive warning sign.

As painful as it is to watch your crush hit on another woman, try to see it as the gift that it is. If he’s comfortable flirting with her in front of you, he’s telling you (in no uncertain terms) he’s not committed. Now that you have that information, you can move on.

By the way, flirting online counts, too. Strangely, some guys claim leaving a coy comment on a woman’s Instagram picture is innocent. It’s not. If he’s directing amorous energy to another woman, online or not, he’s definitely not devoted to your relationship.

9. He doesn’t share his true self with you

Is everything you know about him readily available to the public on his social media? Does he withdraw when you press him for more insight?

One of the most exciting parts of a new relationship is the discovery process. Once you trust someone enough to reveal the insider info, you’ve taken a big step forward. Depending on the guy, this vulnerability can be difficult. If he opens up and shares things with you he doesn’t just give out to anyone, that shows sweet confidence in you.

On the other hand, if he’s tight-lipped about what makes him unique, he probably isn’t interested in anything long term. If he doesn’t want to share about how he became the person he is today, that’s strong evidence that he doesn’t want to dig deeper with you.

10. He’s only available when he wants to hook up

An easy way to assess a man’s interest is to note both when he reaches out and what his intention is each time. Do you only hear him from late at night? If so, that’s clear-cut behavior. When you’re only on his mind as he’s getting ready to hop into bed every day, that’s a giveaway.

When you invite him to spend time with you, does he always have an excuse ready? Maybe he says he’s slammed at work or has too much on his plate right now. Everyone has hectic days, but if he’s always “too busy,” it means he’s not prioritizing you.

11. He’s selfish

It’s natural for the effort between two people in a relationship to fluctuate. Sometimes one person needs the other more, and vice versa. In a genuine relationship, both people will take turns taking the supportive stance needed.

However, in a casual relationship without long-term goals, a man will likely be more selfish. Rather than do kind things for you, he’ll expect you to make a bigger effort. He’ll ask you to come to him and request things without giving back in return.

These are just hints of emotional immaturity. It doesn’t mean he’s a “bad” guy, it just shows that he isn’t in the right frame of mind to commit. He’s more preoccupied with his own needs than on what he can offer in a partnership.

12. You feel it in your gut

If you’ve got that quiet feeling in your stomach that won’t go away, listen to your intuition. That little tingle of doubt is there to guide you. When you’re really into a guy, this can be tricky. You want to believe that the signs aren’t there and that your hesitation is unwarranted. By ignoring that feeling, you set yourself up for heartache.

When a man sees you as relationship material, he’ll make sure you know it. He’ll be attentive, reliable, and engaging. You won’t be left staring at your phone, wondering if he will contact you. When you hang out, you won’t be on guard trying to figure out if he’s only interested in making physical moves.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with a man who doesn’t want a relationship. But you deserve to know if that’s the situation. If you’re crushing on a guy and can’t figure out his intentions, run through these signs with an objective perspective. Once you analyze all these factors honestly, you’ll have your answer. As always, if you’re still in doubt, go with your gut!