1. The fact that the big, beautiful AirBnb I rented for my bestie and me for his birthday didn’t have AC. And we happened to be in New York during a heat wave so it was approximately 12,004 degrees in the apartment. We spent any apartment time wearing just our underwear and standing in front of the fan. Such glamour. Much chic.
2. How I haven’t been to the dentist in about a year and a half because I’ve been busy and haven’t bothered and now I’m scared I have a cavity which is making me want to make the inevitable appointment even less.
3. The fact that I’ve become much more socially selective in my late twenties. And by socially selective I mean I’m a loner. I don’t hang out with that many people and keep to myself more than I used to. I think I used to give off “social butterfly” and “wild child” vibes…whatever that may mean. But now more often than not I’m at home with my dog and my laptop and some candles playing Joanne on loop for the umpteenth time. I’m not sure if this shift was in direct response to anything or if it’s just a natural progression in the stages of getting older. It sort of just is what it is.
4. How the shorts I bought two summers ago that used to be a size and a half too big almost fit now. And how insecure that makes me feel.
5. The dry out I’m currently doing. And how it feels embarrassing to call sobriety/not drinking…boring. But it is. I’ve realized in the last year-ish how much of my social scene and my way of relaxing is tied to having a drink or two. And I’ll never show on Instagram how sometimes…that worries me.
6. How I almost booked a ticket to San Francisco the other night even though that would be a 10/10 terrible decision.
7. That the reason I changed my mind and didn’t book that ticket to San Francisco was because a tarot reader told me not to.
8. That I really only see my family once, maybe twice a year. And I’m starting to worry that the only reason I’ll see them more often is if someone dies. It’s simultaneously depressing and stressful and panic-inducing when you’re a worrier like me. Fun times!
9. How one of my favorite shirts is one I stole from a guy friend who I almost hooked up with but ultimately didn’t. And that every time I wear it I think about texting him but don’t because I’m ultimately far too invested in maintaining my ice queen, mysterious facade as much as possible.
10. The last time when I got my roots touched up and toned the ice blonde that currently sits atop my head the colorist forgot to wash the bleach all the way out. And my head ended up with scabs and my skin was really pissed off for approximately a week and half after. But I didn’t call to complain about it because like, mistakes happen? So I just suffered and scritch-scratched my head and shrugged my shoulders saying, “Shit happens.”
11. The ever-present, subtle, dull little fear which hangs out in the back of my mind and makes me paranoid that everyone who I consider my friend is actually not a fan of me. I’m pretty much always a little worried that people are only nice to me or interested in me because I’m sometimes entertaining or, I pay for things, or that no one better has come around yet. I love my friends, and I just hope they love me back.
12. The way my stomach looks when I sit down. And how uncomfortable I’ve always been in my own skin.
13. How most of my cleaning is done in a frenzy before someone comes over so they think I’m as put together as I present on social media and will tell me my apartment looks even better than it appears on Instagram.