What research suggests is that it’s not a psychopath’s true merit that gets them ahead – it’s actually their empty charm, combined with the ability to manipulate and con others, and communicate smoothly with people who hold power and authority – that initially “impresses” those in leadership positions to invest in them. Sheehy and colleagues (2020) assert that individuals with Dark triad traits such as narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy and what they call “subclinical psychopaths” present a “façade of normalcy” but engage in harmful sabotaging behaviors that is “potentially devastating for the organization, its mission, its employees.” As they write, “The evidence of corporate psychopaths in practice reveals that they are particularly ruthless, conscience-free managers who are largely motivated by greed and aggrandizement. Where they excel is their ability to adapt their conduct as need and context requires. They excel in recognizing those they need and those who can make their lives difficult, as well as those they can intimidate and discount. They learn, in effect, to ‘kiss up, and kick down’.”

How Do You Know You’re Being Victimized?

It’s likely that if you bring admirable and desirable qualities, credentials, achievements, skills, and natural talent to the workplace, you will be made a target by a workplace bully in your lifetime. As many as 75% of workers have experienced some form of workplace bullying whether being a direct target or witness. According to Forbes, “People become targets because something about them is threatening to the bully. Often they are more skilled, more technically proficient, have a higher EQ or people just like them better.” You may be a victim of workplace bullying if you’ve experienced any of the following:

The bully gets up close and personal in the beginning, gathering information on you to later use against you.

Psychopathic individuals know when to kiss up and kick down. They will usually use love bombing strategies to gain your trust, especially if they believe you threaten their position, promotion, or are a valuable asset to the team. They want to ensure they win the “competition” you didn’t even know you were in – so, in order to do so, they have to figure out what makes you tick first. They may get close to you to pinpoint both your strengths and weaknesses ahead of time. They might invite you out to lunches or personal get-togethers to “pick your brain,” in the beginning, pretending to welcome you graciously if you’re a new hire. You will notice that they tend to interrogate you with questions that seem a bit too personal – questions about your childhood, how you feel about your boss or fellow colleagues, your usual weekend plans, your past experiences, as well as any ideas you have. Little do you know, they will later distort and weaponize this information to misrepresent you or your work to your boss, gossip about you with other colleagues, or take credit for your ideas.

They Devalue You, Covertly or Overtly

After a workplace bully is done winning your trust, they’ll begin consuming and devaluing you. They will ensure your focus is on them and their actions rather than your work. They could demand to be in communication with you at all times, even if you don’t report to them. They might point out irrelevant mistakes or fabricated flaws because of their envy. They could downplay your achievements or fail to acknowledge them altogether; more covert bullies mix praise with punishment so they can get away with their behavior in front of others. If you protest, they could admonish you with a sarcastic, patronizing tone or condescending attitude, or dish out covert put-downs designed to provoke you – these covert put-downs will be leveraged with plausible deniability to gaslight you. They will use your reactions to their chronic mistreatment to paint you as a “difficult person” or someone who is always starting trouble to the rest of the company, even if you are a high performer who has never had this issue with anyone else but them.

They exploit and steal credit for your labor.

Workplace bullies may not have too much merit on their own, but they do have one special ability: the ability to recognize talent and capitalize off and profit off the skills of other people. If they sense that your work is doing especially well or that you bring unique ideas to the table, they will callously steal that work or ideas for their own benefit and try to put their own name on it to gain praise. This is one of the ways they attempt to climb the corporate ladder and victimize those who are high-achievers in the workplace.

They pit people against one another and lack empathy.

A good employee and authentic team player tends to bring their own unique ideas to the table while also encouraging others to succeed. They may also point out what’s not working, invite effective solutions, or share concerns because they genuinely care about the company. Psychopaths couldn’t care less about company morale or long-term sustainability and will engage in unethical actions for short-term gratification and short-lived boosts in profit. They lack empathy which is demonstrated in the horrific ways they mistreat others and handle the emotions or concerns of others. They alienate some of the most talented and hard-working people at their companies which actually leads to substantially less profit in the long run – so employers must be wary if they are looking to hire someone with psychopathic traits. Instead, employers should look to hire workers with good work ethic, insight, empathy, integrity, and a track record of achievement. Genuine empathy is a deeply underrated quality to have in corporate workplaces, but it’s actually the fuel that builds solid connections and creates major social change. Psychopaths without empathy are simply limited in what they’re capable of; contrary to popular myth, their ruthlessness does not make them an asset – it makes them a liability.

Some workplace psychopaths agitate people on purpose out of the sadistic pleasure they get watching people react to their manipulation tactics. As Nathan Brooks (2019), a researcher and forensic psychologist who studies psychopathy in the workplace describes, “Typically psychopaths create a lot of chaos and generally tend to play people off against each other…for psychopaths, it [corporate success] is a game and they don’t mind if they violate morals. It is about getting where they want in the company and having dominance over others.” Because their game is a power ploy, not a pursuit for genuine success or contributing to the greater good, corporate psychopaths don’t tend to fare well in the long run. Eventually, they get caught embezzling funds, stealing the work of others, or bullying innocent people. Their priority is themselves, not the company. Since they lack the skills to get ahead authentically and organically, once they can no longer leech off of people and are held accountable, they usually move on to another company that doesn’t know their true nature.

What To Do If You Encounter a Workplace Bully

In order to navigate a workplace bully, you have to be stringent about documentation. Avoid sharing your ideas with psychopathic colleagues one-on-one unless it is documented or in a team meeting where there are witnesses. Do not disclose any personal information about yourself. Be wary of individuals who tend to love bomb you early on. Be measured in your responses to the bully and avoid excessive contact outside of the workplace. Resist the urge to seem overly kind or vulnerable – bullies take advantage of people they think won’t hold them accountable. Practice being more assertive about the work you’ve accomplished – chances are, you’ve been too “humble” about showcasing the enormity of what you’ve achieved while the psychopathic person has been running around using your ideas as their own. You can use the information that these toxic types use psychopathic charisma to get ahead to benefit yourself in a way that is still balanced with empathy. “Promote” and sell yourself more while still sticking to your core values. If you’re a hard-working, talented person, you deserve to flourish – and you are the type of person every workplace needs more of – not the psychopath.

They’re superficially charming, wear many masks, and mirror socially acceptable responses to emotions to escape detection. They are easily bored, take sadistic pleasure in people’s pain, and like to create chaos for fun.

Much like male psychopaths, female psychopaths are just as charming. They use their cognitive empathy to mirror the socially acceptable emotional responses they observe in others to escape detection – they can wear many masks, adapting like chameleons to the context at hand. Some even adopt a demeanor of being nurturing and maternal or embody damsel in distress tropes and pity ploys to garner sympathy. But within, they are cold, callous, conniving and cruel. This may be revealed more subtly through a saccharine sweet tone of voice that is betrayed by a microexpression of bitterness or a smug sadism when putting down others. There is usually something “off” and inauthentic about the female psychopath’s mannerisms even if they appear otherwise friendly – that is because their hidden contempt and condescension still slips out from time to time, especially if they see you as a threat and have made you a target.  They derive satisfaction and pleasure from duping and conning people – and feel thrilled when causing others pain. They are skilled at deception, grandiose, and at times impulsive and irresponsible. Early on in childhood, they may exhibit cruelty to animals, bully other children, or even engage in criminal behaviors. They use their charisma to climb the corporate ladder with ease, even if they lack the skills to truly succeed long-term; some even engage in fraud. They figure out the weaknesses of others that they can exploit to their advantage. They are prone to boredom, so they manufacture chaos, pitting people against one another for a greater sense of power and control. They victimize and bully the innocent, making prey out of the people they feel threatened by or are envious of. They do this in real life as well as on social media; research with both male and female participants indicates that sadism and psychopathic traits are related to higher levels of online trolling activity. You will likely notice both female narcissists and psychopaths online demeaning and insulting others, especially other women they are jealous of.

They enjoy partner poaching.

In a 2022 BBC interview with female psychopaths, one of the female psychopaths interviewed described how she took great pleasure in having an affair with a married man. When she became bored of the relationship, she ended it by sending his naked pictures to his wife, including one featuring herself with the woman’s husband. When people asked her why she would delight in flaunting this to the wife with so much nonchalance, she replied that it was her callousness that permitted her to do so. Female psychopaths  go out of their way to engage with partnered men as a chronic pattern and take sadistic pleasure in doing so. Research shows that partner poaching is associated with psychopathic traits in both men and women. Female psychopaths can be especially prone to targeting the male partners of their friends as they gain a thrill from trying to “one-up” people in their social circles and dupe these friends while hiding in plain sight.

They engage in relationally aggressive behavior to sabotage others and are particularly envious of those they target.

Research shows that both narcissistic and psychopathic traits are associated with malicious envy – envy that drives destructive behavior toward others. If they are not outwardly violent, female psychopaths channel their aggression into their social relationships, particularly their friendships and work relationships with other women. They interfere in the friendships of others, spreading gossip and rumors with malice: this enables them to play people against each other so they can be the “dominant” friend in the group that others rely and depend on. In the workplace, they may not target those who they need the support of: for example, they will likely not be aggressive toward a boss who pays their salary, but they will target other employees who seem to be surpassing them and attempt to undermine them in a way that depicts themselves as innocent.  They sabotage their talented peers and flirt with their bosses and co-workers in the workplace to get ahead. They steal work and give themselves credit. If they work with vulnerable populations, they may even re-victimize vulnerable clients; for example, a therapist who is also a female psychopath might learn her client’s triggers not for the purpose of helping them heal, but solely for the purpose of manipulating and provoking her client so they remain in therapy. A psychopathic female nurse may administer the wrong dose of medication to watch her patient suffer or bully her colleagues who she deems more attractive or talented than her.

They view life as a competition, ensnaring people in their mind games to “win” – and they lack remorse for their transgressions, no matter how heinous or violent.

Whether they’re a relationship partner or friend, female psychopaths enjoy playing mind games. They gaslight others after insulting them covertly with backhanded comments, ensuring they capitalize on plausible deniability when they are confronted. They enjoy tearing down someone who is celebrating success or exhibiting healthy pride. Prone to pathological lying, they use numerous diversion tactics to escape accountability for their actions and pretend to be the victims of those who call them out. They love bomb, devalue, and provoke jealousy in their partners and friends so they can be the one who establishes dominance. They misuse their sexuality to their advantage. They lead parasitic lifestyles, leeching off the resources of others. They cheat on their doting spouses and cheat with the spouses of others purposely. In the most extreme cases, they murder their husbands or help to murder the wives of the husbands they’re cheating with.  These murders could be goal-directed and intended to secure money from a life insurance policy, orchestrated for retaliation or they could be used to annihilate a sense of threat, remove a “challenge” in the way of one of their perceived goals. Mothers who are psychopathic will abuse their children and use them as pawns; they may even be jealous of their daughters, showing excessive hostility toward them. In the worst-case scenarios, they will murder their own children if they feel their children are an “inconvenience” to their life. They feel entitled to have the attention on them, even if they don’t “crave” the attention like female narcissists do. For them, it’s all about profit or pleasure: if attention alleviates their chronic boredom, they’ll take it. If it meets one of their goals, they will ruthlessly do whatever it takes to meet that goal. They are focused on what benefits them without much remorse for any harm they’ve caused.

If you’re dealing with a female psychopath, it’s important to gain professional support and cut ties. If you can’t avoid them entirely, you must minimize contact – do not disclose any personal information to them that can be used against you. Your mental well-being is paramount. You deserve to be free and you deserve to heal.

Your independence is vital for your own safety and well-being. So is your alone time. Being hyper-independent and alone most of the time may seem like a lonesome burden to people who weren’t raised by a toxic parent. But for you, it’s absolute bliss. Being alone means you finally get to choose who gets to be in your life and who has the ability to affect your emotions on a daily basis – a choice you never got to make as a child when you were constantly bombarded with the problems of the adults who were supposed to take care of you. As an adult, you find yourself savoring your alone time as you give your nervous system the time and space it always needed to heal.

You were an adult before you ever got to be a child – and now, you sometimes still feel like a child in an adult’s body. You may have grown up being told that you were very “mature” for your age. People often comment on how you seem to have wisdom beyond your years. Yet as an adult you find yourself still feeling like a child at times. That’s because as a kid, you were simultaneously infantilized and parentified. Narcissistic parents demean their children into feeling like they can’t venture out into the world on their own without their help to keep them dependent on them; on the other hand, they also shoulder their children with the burden of being parents to their parents.

This parentification trains young children to manage the emotions of their parents while also failing to meet their basic developmental needs. As an adult, you’re a natural caretaker. You “picked up” after the adults in your life, tending to their issues at a young age, ensuring they were taken care of. In adulthood, you may repeat this pattern and be prone to codependency in relationships, becoming overly empathic to toxic people who drain your energy. You grapple with the unmet needs of childhood as you learn to set healthier boundaries and reparent yourself.

You have a deep craving for connection – yet it scares the living daylights out of you. Narcissistic parents tend to become enmeshed with their children, treating them like objects and extensions of themselves. As an adult, becoming too “close” to someone frightens you because that means they have the power to harm you and take over your life. You tend to feel “suffocated” in relationships, even if you have a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another.

You’re afraid to shine so you dim your light to avoid “discovery.”  Narcissistic parents train you to shrink with their hypercriticism. While most parents want their children to succeed and be happy, narcissistic parents tend to be pathologically envious and lash out at their children even when they’re doing well. As an adult, you fear retaliation for owning your strengths and gifts. You often shortchange yourself and believe you’re unworthy or undeserving even if you’re overqualified. Even when life is going extremely well, you hold a lingering fear of having “too much” success and happiness, having to constantly remind yourself that you are enough in order to battle your early conditioning. Giving yourself permission to enjoy yourself and the positive aspects of your life without developing a hyperfocus on even the most miniscule negative details can feel like a daunting task.

You live in a world of extremes when it comes to emotions. There’s very little grey area when an adult child of a narcissist starts their healing journey. They may be overwhelmed and terrified by their intense rage or sadness. As a child, you were usually punished for having emotions at all and emotionally invalidated. You could have a harder time validating and identifying your own emotions as an adult and may have learned to suppress these emotions to cope.

You gravitate toward narcissists, and they gravitate towards you. Dangerous people and situations ironically feel more like “home” than safe ones and you find yourself always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You find yourself easily entangled in relationships or friendships with narcissists in adulthood – and paradoxically, this can initially feel “safer” than a healthy relationship which is not in line with your sense of “normal.” You don’t trust what seems “too good to be true” or what’s easily handed to you, because you had to work hard for everything you have now and even had to endure punishment or nitpicking when you achieved amazing things as a child. Instead, you find yourself waiting for the “catch” (even when there is none) when it comes to happy and safe relationships, accomplishments, or situations. Your subconscious mind operates on the philosophy that, “It’s better the devil you know than the one you don’t.” 

You “thrive” in fantasy relationships. For adult children of narcissists, the safest relationship is the one that doesn’t actually exist or ones with emotionally unavailable people. That’s because you do not fear getting hurt because you know the relationship can’t truly come into fruition. This can lead to you becoming easily infatuated or developing limerence toward people you know deep down can’t make you happy – but they certainly provide you with the hope of happiness, without all the fuss – at first. While these trysts may seem harmless at first, these relationships still end up harming you because you end up investing in a future with someone you know is ultimately not compatible with you.

You’re extremely resourceful – because you had to be. When it comes to confronting life’s obstacles, you’re a talented MacGyver at inventing creative solutions – you can essentially turn anything into gold. That’s because you had to transform all the crises of your childhood into opportunities for survival. This can be an adaptive trauma response that guides you through life’s adversity in adulthood.

You have a hard time saying no – and apologize constantly even when it’s unnecessary. Disobeying your narcissistic parents was always met with brutality. As a result, you may have a hard time setting boundaries and turn to people-pleasing or fawning as self-protection.

You have more of an addictive personality than most. Early childhood trauma can leave you with a compulsion for relief and distraction. In some cases, it can even make you highly sensation-seeking, reckless, impulsive – always searching for the next adrenaline rush of excitement to counter your emotional numbness. That means you may feel addicted to certain self-sabotaging behaviors, self-harm or even turn to substance use to take you away from the trauma that you’ve experienced.

You’re prone to perfectionism and over-achieving. Having narcissistic parents means always trying to keep up with constantly moving goal posts and extraordinarily high expectations. Narcissists can live vicariously through their children, demanding that they fulfill the dreams and goals these parents didn’t (or did – and they must carry on their legacy). Some adult children of narcissists can become overachievers to try to gain the approval of their parents and to meet their expectations of them. Others might be conditioned toward rigid perfectionism because it gives them a source of control and validation they did not have in childhood. So long as you’re “perfect,” you are deemed lovable – at least, that’s what a narcissistic parent taught you to believe.

You’re hypervigilant – to everything. At the same time, you’d make a great FBI agent or detective. You may feel like you’re always on alert for what’s around the corner. That’s because your childhood trained you to pick up on subtle signs that chaos was about to ensue – the sound of your father’s footsteps may have clued you in as to when he was about to rage, or the shrill shriek of your sibling may have alerted you to abuse going on in the next room. You are especially adept at reading microexpressions, shifts in tone, gestures, and nonverbal cues. This hyper-attunement to danger can serve as a superpower that helps you identify red flags and toxic people – but it can also be exhausting to be so attentive to everything at all times.

You dissociate more often than you’d like. If you have unprocessed trauma, it’s likely that you dissociate more than the average person. That’s because ongoing complex trauma has trained your brain to escape from reality as a survival mechanism. You may also find yourself turning to activities that enhance that dissociation. Whether it’s binge-watching television, losing yourself for days in books, or feeling like you’ve lost time and memories altogether, you feel detached from yourself or your surroundings.

You vacillate between oversharing and being terrified of being vulnerable. You fear abandonment yet abandon yourself. Adult children of narcissists often search for a rescuer throughout their life – a savior who will finally make them feel seen and heard. In the early stages of their healing journey, this can make them overshare their traumas in an attempt to find someone who can finally “take care” of them in the way they always needed to be taken care of. At the same time, they fear being vulnerable and become easily gun-shy when relationships or friendships get too close. They might depart preemptively from too much intimacy because they fear abandonment or betrayal – a very valid fear considering all of the abandonment and betrayal they experienced in childhood. Yet they also abandon themselves and deprive themselves of nourishment and self-care.

You have a fragmented sense of identity. Trauma creates fragments – creating a split among memories, emotions, thoughts, and sensations. This sense of confusion can erode your sense of self. Being the child of a narcissist means also meant you were never given full reign over your own preferences, opinions, or beliefs. You had to internalize the belief systems, likes, dislikes, and attitudes of your parent and pretend to think the way they do in order to avoid reprimand. You were not given the freedom to be yourself or grow into who you authentically were. As an adult, your journey is about rediscovering who you are organically – not who you were expected to be.

You have a need to control your environment. Adult children of narcissists are extremely micromanaged and controlled by their parents. They were never given the agency to make their own decisions freely without a price. As a result, they may fear losing control as adults. They may try to micromanage their relationships or control their circumstances to assuage these fears.

You trust very few people. As a child, your privacy was often invaded by the narcissistic parent in ways no child should have to endure. You were likely under constant surveillance. You learned how to lie and hide many aspects of your life to protect yourself from their abuse. Now as an adult, you still keep your secrets close and your circle tight. For you, it’s the only way to “survive” and not risk someone using your personal information against you.

You have a hard time asking for help. You rely heavily on self-soothing because you had to be a parent at a young age – to yourself. You essentially raised yourself (and any younger siblings) because one or more of your parents lacked the emotional equipment to do so. This means you had to soothe yourself after witnessing rage attacks, endured the pain of watching how deflated your emotionally abused parent became, and experienced some of the verbal and emotional abuse yourself when you were the target of attack.  As an adult, this means you’re less likely to ask for help even during the worst moments of your life because you learned that you had to do everything yourself.

You have an interesting relationship with parenthood. Some adult children of narcissists fast-forward into marriage and parenthood, considered the traditional “milestones” of adulthood because they want to make up for the mistakes of their parents and experience the healthy, functional family they never experienced. Others opt out or delay parenthood altogether because they fear passing down generational trauma or feel like they’ve already done enough “parenting” by taking on adult responsibilities in childhood.

When any incident or crisis with your family happens now, it’s triple the trauma because of all the childhood wounding. For most people, any family crisis is itself a trauma all on its own. For adult children of narcissists, it’s double the wounding with triple the power. Any argument, conflict, or incident that occurs now holds within it the power to bring back the memories of the past, essentially “regressing” you back to your childhood fears and stressors – especially if there’s a crisis that demands that there be some kind of family reunion. It not only adds salt to the wound, it creates a whole new psychological injury. Outsiders may wonder why as a family you can’t just “work things out” – but they have no idea the terrors you have survived and the despair involved in having to revisit what you’ve escaped.

You’ve always wanted to have a “normal life.” One of your deepest desires was to feel normal and to have a “normal” childhood and life. But because of your upbringing, you may feel separate and different from others, especially those who had supportive parents. It’s worth mentioning that many adult children of narcissists can and do channel their trauma into success and joy and can end up living extraordinary lives – better than any type of “normal” they could have ever dreamed. Yet it’s still worth validating the sacrifices they were forced to make to get there.

Contact with toxic family members can re-open even wounds you thought you’d already healed. Speaking of regression, adult children of narcissists who maintain contact with their narcissistic parent can face additional anxiety on their healing journey. That’s because any criticism from the narcissistic parent or witnessing further abuse by the toxic parent toward the victimized parent can cause re-traumatization like no other. These “emotional flashbacks” hold a power beyond their years to make you feel like you’re reliving the worst moments of your life and like you’ll never escape. Low contact or no contact depending on your circumstances are often needed for true healing.

Shahida Arabi is the author of Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: The Invisible War Zone and Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse. For more healing tips, follow Shahida on Instagram and Facebook.

The ability to deliver exceptional results under extraordinary pressure or stress.

Many trauma survivors, especially high-functioning complex trauma survivors, can attest to staying calm and engaging in complex, effective problem-solving even under situations of duress that would overwhelm most people. They have also developed key coping skills throughout their journey of trauma recovery – from mindfulness, to reframing, relaxation exercises, grounding techniques, and mind-body healing modalities to empower themselves when facing adversity. This ability to stay calm and resilient was illustrated most powerfully during the global pandemic. For example, a 2023 study of 16,900 trauma-exposed women showed that pre-pandemic resilience was associated with lower distress and higher well-being during the pandemic. Therapists also frequently reported that their clients who were trauma survivors felt they had the skills and resourcefulness to tackle the obstacles others felt blindsided by – some also felt a sense of validation and relief that others could now understand what trauma felt like. That is because trauma survivors have lived their lives hyper-attuned to potential crisis. They are also desensitized to chaos in a way that can help them focus on solutions. When a crisis does arrive, their nervous system is already prepared to battle it, and their survival skills are on point.

Picking up on subtle cues of danger in people and the environment.

Research by Frankenhuis and collegues (2013) reveals that childhood trauma survivors actually develop a heightened capacity to detect danger and pick up on threatening cues in their environment, moreso than their non-traumatized peers. As a trauma survivor, you may have an acute intuition and instincts about toxic and narcissistic people. You are “trained” by trauma as a kind of honorary “FBI agent” to gather clues, recognize patterns of behavior, notice microexpressions and nonverbal gestures, and become discerning of tiny micro-habits that could later become major red flags. Differentiating between hypervigilance that overwhelms you and intuition and learned cues that serve you is important. You can use these enhanced abilities to identify toxic people – so long as you resist attempts at gaslighting and trust yourself.

The capacity to be alone – and save yourself.

As a trauma survivor, you were forced to rely on yourself and become your own rugged superhero. You had to save yourself time and time again from dangerous situations and experiment with different problem-solving strategies to keep yourself safe. Some trauma survivors can also self-isolate due to their suffering to protect themselves. This period of self-isolation can help them to learn self-validation and self-reliance. While social support is certainly needed for recovery, the ability to be alone can still be used powerfully during the healing journey to soothe the nervous system. Your ability to be alone allows you to understand the complex losses and costs associated with toxic relationships because you know what it’s like to be entrapped in a relationship or situation you can’t get out of. Therefore, you value your alone time and peace that much more. It is much more difficult for toxic people to coax you out of your solitude if they’re not bringing value into your life.

Resilience and a strong bounce-back game.

Trauma survivors can be extremely resilient and stage incredible comebacks from a life of adversity, demonstrating the psychological strength of a sumo wrestler. Some can also experience tremendous post-traumatic growth. That being said, we want to be cautious and not become so resilient that we ignore the dangers of a toxic situation because we are so desensitized to it. This superpower can be used adaptively to fuel a trauma survivor to channel what they experienced into success, the greater good, and their personal healing and goals. Your strong comeback and bounce-back game can be balanced with healthy boundaries and a strong ability to cut off those who have the potential to cause you more pain. Some trauma survivors may fear a foreshortened future – a sense their life will be cut short because all the obstacles they endured conditioned them to never take anything for granted; you may fear that you won’t be able to plan for the future or even feel like life is not worth living. Showing compassion for yourself is a must. Think of all the positive experiences you deserved as an inheritance you were robbed of receiving – you get to decide now how to move forward and reclaim that inheritance. As a trauma survivor, you deserve to live life to the fullest, heal, and thrive. You can validate your pain while still keeping your eye on the bright future ahead: you are worthy of experiencing all the good you always deserved.

Childhood Measures of Narcissism and Psychopathy

Researchers have created a version of the Psychopathy Checklist for younger populations (PCL-Youth Version) and studies on children with callous-unemotional traits indicate these traits are the predecessors of psychopathy in adulthood. Children with callous-unemotional traits show a lack of remorse, empathy, guilt and concern after violating others. They show little concern for the emotions and rights of others. This corresponds to some of the traits of antisocial personality disorder in adults. Callous-unemotional traits are heritable and have a strong genetic influence. For example, Viding and colleagues (2005) conducted a large-scale study 3,687 twin pairs who were tested for callous-unemotional traits. This study found that higher levels of callous-unemotional traits were influenced by genetics, not shared environment. This reveals that these traits may be more “hardwired,” more resistant to change, present at a very young age and must be taken seriously.

Potential psychopathy is not the only emerging trait that can be assessed in children. Similarly, there is also The Childhood Narcissism Scale which measures narcissistic traits in children that corresponds with the traits in adulthood, including traits such as a sense of superiority, a lack of empathic concern for others, and aggression following ego threat. According to the creators of the scale, narcissistic children tend to dominate social interactions and do not create genuine friendships. They lack the ability or willingness to empathize with their peers and may engage in bullying behaviors. They prioritize themselves above others and tend to be entitled, lashing out in aggression in retaliation to perceived slights or criticism. Sample items from this measure include: “I am a very special person,” “Kids like me deserve something extra,” and “I love showing off all the things I can do.” Researchers estimate that narcissistic traits and behaviors can begin around the age of 7, with children bragging about themselves, feeling superior to others, and attempting to monopolize attention. Children with emerging narcissistic traits also show higher levels of physiological reactivity in response to anticipated social evaluation during performance.

Conduct disorder is said to precede psychopathy and can be diagnosed after the age of ten (known as adolescence-onset) or before (known as childhood-onset). According to Dr. Martha Stout, longitudinal research studies reveal that about 60% of children diagnosed with Conduct Disorder will eventually go on to exhibit Antisocial Personality Disorder as adults. Remember, these traits don’t just affect you and your child: they affect the well-being of other children too. Studies reveal that the ringleaders of bullying groups tend to have psychopathic and narcissistic traits. When understanding these traits and behaviors, it’s important to assess not only the impact on your own child but also that of other children.

What is Conduct Disorder and the Limited Prosocial Emotions Specifier?

If you suspect your child has either narcissistic or psychopathic traits, it is important to see a mental health professional for treatment and management. According to the DSM-5, conduct disorder consists of a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior where an individual regularly violates the basic rights of others. Conduct disorder must now be specified with certain additional indicators which can be key to understanding whether a child might have psychopathic traits. To qualify for a “with limited prosocial emotions” specifier, an individual must have displayed at least two of the following consistently for at least a year and in multiple relationships and contexts, reflecting their typical interpersonal and emotional patterns:

• Lack of remorse or guilt. They do not feel guilty when they do something wrong, with the exception of expressing remorse only when caught or punished. They exhibit a general lack of concern about the negative consequences of their actions and are not remorseful after harming someone or breaking the rules.
• Callous and lacking in empathy. They disregard and are unconcerned about the emotions of others. They are cold and uncaring. They are only concerned with the effects of their actions on themselves even when they’ve committed substantial harm to others.
• Unconcerned about performance. They don’t care about performing badly in school, work or other important activities. They don’t put in effort into doing well even when the expectations are made clear and blame others for their performance.
• Shallow or deficient affect. They don’t express or display emotions except for shallow, insincere and superficial emotions. These emotions may be contradicted by their actions and they may seem to turn their emotions on or off quickly or use their emotions for personal gain, displaying them to manipulate or intimidate others.

To be diagnosed with Conduct Disorder, you must have at least three or more of the following 15 criteria in the past year and at least one of these symptoms in the past six months.

Aggression to people and animals:

• Bullying, threatening or intimidating others
• Instigating physical fights
• Using weapons that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g. knife, gun, brick, bat)
• Physical cruelty to people
• Physical cruelty to animals
• Has committed theft while confronting a victim in situations like armed robbery, mugging or extortion
• Forcing someone into sexual activities

Destruction of property:

• Has deliberately set fires with the intention of causing serious damage
• Has deliberately destroyed the property of others without the use of fire

Deceitfulness or theft

• Has broken into someone’s house, building or car
• Lies and cons to obtain resources, goods, or favors
• Has stolen items but without facing the victim (e.g. shoplifting, forgery).

Serious violations of rules

• Stays out late at night without parents prohibiting them before age 13
• Running away from home at least twice while living at home or running away once for a lengthy period
• Truancy and absence from school beginning before the age of 13

The severity of these behaviors can be specified as mild, moderate or severe. Mild severity means that the child has very few of these conduct problems and cause only minor harm to others (for example, lying, truancy or staying out late at night). Moderate severity indicates that the number of conduct problems may cause some harm such as stealing without confronting a victim or vandalism. A severe level means that there are too many conduct problems that can cause immense harm to others such as rape, physical cruelty, use of a weapon, stealing while harming a victim as well as breaking and entering.

If you suspect your child may have antisocial or psychopathic traits, it is important to see a mental health professional who specializes in child psychopathology. While there aren’t many effective interventions to “change” the underlying traits of psychopathy, studies do show that parent training in contingency-management, where the parent rewards their child for displaying prosocial behaviors or for the absence of aggressive behaviors, may help reduce harm to others. Click here for tips for preventing narcissistic tendencies in children. Early intervention with additional academic and social skills training may also improve behavior and reduce harm to other children.

Identify and communicate with your inner parts.

When most of us think of reparenting, we think of nurturing our inner child. But what if I told you that we actually have multiple “inner parts” that subconsciously affect our behavior?  These inner parts all serve a function and can be maladaptive or adaptive depending on how we work with them. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Richard Schwartz, these inner parts include not just wounded parts that carry the weight of early traumas (also known as exiles) but also protectors and defenders that shield these wounded parts from exposure. They include “firefighters,” the parts that compel us to “numb out” our pain with various addictions or distractions and rescue us from experiencing our most brutal emotions. It also includes  “managers” that micromanage the tasks of daily living and wield control over our relationships to avoid abandonment or discomfort. When starting your reparenting journey, it is best to work with a trauma-informed therapist trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy to better identify the inner parts that may be causing distress in your life and work to open a line of communication among all of them. This will sound like asking your inner parts questions like, “What are you trying to protect me from?” and thanking it for serving its function.

Remind your younger “exile” inner parts that you will always be there for them and will not abandon them. Observe what actions each inner part has taken and how they have affected you. You can work with your parts to identify whether there are alternative actions that might serve the same purpose (for example, avoiding all social interaction and self-isolating to protect yourself may be replaced with group activities like group yoga or cycling that offer opportunity for social connection without as much pressure on the nervous system). You may also consider evidence-based therapies that process your traumas such as Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) as well as Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help hone your emotion regulation skills.

Incorporate safe play.

Many children of narcissists are parentified and given adult roles and responsibilities at a young age which causes them to lose out on play. Play allows us to connect with childlike wonder, spontaneity, and the carefree innocence and happiness we may have lost out on as children raised by a narcissistic parent. Psychiatrist Dr. Stuart Brown, an expert in the study of “play” and founder of the National Institute for Play, notes how play contributes to our creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, empathy, flexibility, imagination, and sense of belonging. He defines play as something that is “done for its own sake” which offers pleasure, relief, and allows for full engagement in an activity without any particular attachment to an outcome. In fact, he notes how sustained play deprivation can lead to diminished social competency and the development of empathy. Although there are certainly other factors that play a role in someone’s development, it’s clear that play can be a potential protective factor that helps foster the brain.  In fact, studies using animal models suggest that play may help with the development of the prefrontal cortex and the executive functioning that allows us to regulate our emotions, make decisions, and solve problems. While you may not be able to replace the “play” you lacked in childhood, you can still engage in safe play as an adult.

There are many types of “play” available to us as adults and it is not restrictive to any type of activity. Some play activities emphasize movement (like “rough and tumble” play or “body play” like jumping), others highlight objects (such as playing with toys, puzzles, or activities like sewing) while others are more cerebral and creative (e.g. storytelling, reading, watching our favorite series or a thrilling mystery) or social (e.g. playing football or video games with our friends). Dr. Brown identifies eight types of “play personalities” we may resonate with. This is based on what makes us feel most free, gets us easily absorbed in the activity whatever it may be so that we feel like we’ve lost track of time. What may be considered play for one person may be hard work for another, so it is deeply personal. For you, play may look like writing a short story, doing a puzzle, dancing, meditating in a beautiful landscape or while looking at gorgeous skyline views, or filling out an adult coloring book. For another, play may consist of board games with friends, walks with their dog or a Zumba class. Identify the play activities you feel most nourished by and start incorporating a couple of these activities into your schedule. Avoid “play” activities that might worsen traumas – for example, having a few margaritas during drinking games with friends may seem like a fun “play” activity but if substance use is making your triggers worse, it could create a barrier on your re-parenting journey. Make room for different types of safe and healthy play and converse with your inner child and inner parts about what makes them truly happy. Check in with your inner child and “appreciate” the happy moments together. You deserve to reclaim the joy and innocence of a childhood you never had.

Work with the inner critic and identify the harm that was caused.

Trauma therapist Pete Walker recommends working to defuse the inner critic when healing from the complex trauma of a childhood rife with abandonment, neglect, and abuse. This inner critic is the one that you may have internalized from the voice and criticism of your narcissistic parent. If you find yourself struggling with negative self-talk that resembles the criticism of your narcissistic parent, you may have an especially antagonistic inner critic that was instilled in you since childhood. Walker encourages harnessing our anger to place ourselves back into a self-defense state against this inner critic and stop this critical voice in its tracks, a technique he calls “thought-stopping.” You can also begin to slowly replace those thoughts with more positive ones. Recall the healthier feedback you’ve received throughout your life. Think often of the abundance of evidence against your negative thoughts. You’re allowed to be outraged at the inaccurate distortions you’ve been taught to believe about yourself. I hear from many survivors that a healthy, righteous anger has helped them tremendously in reclaiming their power, especially if they were raised by narcissistic parents who told them their valid anger or emotions were unacceptable. They feel unburdened and relieved when they are able to shift from self-blame and allow themselves to position the blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. Permit yourself to identify all the ways your narcissistic parent (or parents) harmed you in your childhood, adolescence, and even how their impact affects you now in adulthood. Grieve the losses of your childhood. This acknowledgment can be a powerful step on your healing journey.

Steer away from self-abandonment: make it a daily practice to turn to self-nourishment, self-soothing, self-care and self-compassion instead.

Narcissistic parents push their children toward self-sabotage and self-neglect. Their hypercriticism becomes the anchor for which the child grows up believing they are never enough and do not deserve care. They key is recognizing the areas of your life where you practice self-abandonment and tending to them with extra attention. Check in with yourself daily: are you getting enough rest? What do you need right now? How are you feeling? What can we do today to help you feel better? An emotionally nourishing parent knows how to set healthy boundaries with their children while still treating them with unconditional positive regard: do the same for yourself. Honor and validate all of your emotions – especially the uncomfortable ones like anger. Know that each emotion has a right to be there and is a signal indicating the effect of your traumas or danger in the present moment. Your anger should not be suppressed: it will tell you when you’ve been violated. Find constructive ways to both express it and honor it. Engage often in rituals that promote gentle self-care and relaxation: self-soothe with peaceful music, warm blankets, and hot cups of tea or your favorite beverage. Read your favorite books, take bubble baths, and snuggle with your pet or watch cute animal videos. Anticipate your needs like a good parent would. If you know you always need extra energy in the morning, keep a glass of water beside your bed to hydrate and a cup of coffee ready and waiting so you don’t have to rush; if you are working late hours, give yourself plenty of snack breaks with your favorite food and “nap times.” It’s those little habits that remind you that you are worthy of being taken care of.

Get into the habit of speaking to yourself lovingly and gently (i.e. “I know, that was so unfair. It was wrong of them to do that. You are so worthy and deserving of so much more”). This self-validation can be an especially effective tool if you’ve experienced chronic gaslighting and invalidation in childhood. Use mirror work exercises to speak to yourself and compliment yourself while looking into your eyes – this will train you to practice self-compassion in a way that puts you in the perspective of the “observer” rather than the “internal judger.” When possible, keep the promises you make to yourself while also allowing room for mistakes to build self-trust. If you told yourself you’d work on your physical fitness but are finding it difficult to get out of bed, start working toward smaller goals – like taking a walk in nature instead of throwing yourself immediately into cardio and weightlifting at the gym. “Build up” to the bigger steps. Or if you told yourself you’d make an effort to learn new things, start with a book before signing up for an entire seminar. If you’re working to get out of a toxic relationship, start by detaching slowly and making a safety plan to leave. Congratulate yourself for looking out for yourself.

Celebrate yourself and all your wins – big and small.

Narcissistic parents train you to criticize yourself – you have to swing the pendulum the other way to train your brain to notice the good. Make a list of your positive qualities, strengths, achievements, and healthy praise you’ve received from empathic people. Refer to that list every day to remind yourself of who you truly are. At the end of each day, make a note of what you were grateful for and what you were happy to accomplish. This will get you into the mindset of, “I am making so much progress,” and look to the bright future ahead rather than focusing on any perceived shortcomings. Think of your lost childhood and all the positivity that awaits you as an inheritance you deserved to receive and are reclaiming in adulthood. You deserve to thrive.

The problem with always feeling responsible for being the bigger person and “mature” in every situation and emotionally bypassing is that you never assign blame to the true perpetrator and end up punishing yourself due to misplaced self-blame.

People who take on the responsibility of being “too” good and mature to the point where they no longer have a healthy righteous anger toward abusers and bullies can sometimes internalize that as self-flagellation and self-hatred. Studies show that PTSD symptoms can actually worsen when we avoid such authentic emotions. Suppressing how we really feel can actually harm rather than help on our healing journey. If we interrogate the concept of “real” maturity with any critical thought, we’d realize that people who engage in aggression are the immature ones. The ones who react to their immaturity are simply displaying a normal human reaction to abhorrent behavior. Even “taboo” and demonized emotions like anger, resentment, and even vengefulness have a place if they are honored and channeled in constructive ways. They all serve a useful purpose and deserve to be validated. They can motivate you through the hardest times in your life instead of making you look excessively inward and burden yourself to be the bigger person to predators all the time. Too much emotional bypassing gets rid of your self-protection. Vulnerability without any attribution of blame to the true perpetrator leaves you more vulnerable. Anger reminds you that you are not the one who deserves to suffer after you’ve been harmed and allows you to stop punishing yourself for what you’re not responsible for. It reminds you that you have been violated and allows you to seek justice and appropriate consequences.

Too much emotional bypassing gets rid of your self-protection. Vulnerability without any attribution of blame to the true perpetrator leaves you more vulnerable.

The concept of the bigger person is akin to many of the other accusations and projections narcissists are prone to dishing out to police and micromanage their victims such as “get over it” and “let it go,” when you’ve barely had time to process the harm they’ve already done. Ever notice how narcissists and psychopaths call you “selfish” (a term that better describes them) when you stop centering their needs and desires? Ironic, no? It’s because they don’t want you to connect to the powerful boundaries that would enable you to free yourselves from them. Yet it doesn’t matter if you are the bigger person or not when it comes to your response to their behavior. When you do react to their behavior (which is completely human and valid), you are labeled as the bully yourself. If you don’t react and “rise above,” you are still punished with more abuse because the perpetrator sees you as a vulnerable target.

You quickly learn the hard way that for psychopathic individuals, it doesn’t matter how “nice” or “kind” you are to them. They return your kindness and mercy with an escalation in cruelty. That’s why it may be time to stop turning the other cheek constantly to following through with healthier boundaries. Mercy rarely works with these toxic types and just gives them more chances to exploit us. Overexplaining ourselves in hopes that they will change gives us false hope. There are times when the “fawn” trauma response can be used to our advantage in situations of real physical danger or threat, or when you have to pretend to be kind to the abuser as you prepare to leave. But generally, giving limitless compassion and mercy to people seeking to manipulate us and repeat offenders opens us to more manipulation. Childhood abuse survivors who have been trained since they were young to please predators as a survival mechanism need to be able to explore the other end of the spectrum before they find a balance.

You quickly learn the hard way that for psychopathic individuals, it doesn’t matter how “nice” or “kind” you are to them. They return your kindness and mercy with an escalation in cruelty.

The Truth About Forgiveness

Rather than emotional bypassing and premature forgiveness, it can help when survivors allow themselves to feel even the “uncomfortable” emotions. They learn it is okay and even freeing to be justifiably angry toward people who violated them and work organically toward healing in their own way. This healthy anger also helps them steer away from the belief that it’s all their fault and that there’s something wrong with them or that they’re the ones who deserve to suffer. The former will ironically likely help survivors move forward in a genuine way whereas the latter can lead to self-destruction. As for forgiveness, self-forgiveness and self-compassion are more paramount, even though in reality, you don’t have anything you have to forgive yourself for. Remember that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation and that forgiveness for the perpetrator is your choice – and for survivors in an abusive relationship, this may be the first time in a long time they get to exercise their agency. You may feel like you have to forgive yourself for being in a toxic relationship with a narcissist at all – but showing yourself compassion for what you didn’t know about this person and how you were manipulated are important too. Emotional validation, self-compassion, honoring your anger – not emotional bypassing – are the first steps toward true healing. You were always the bigger person when you’ve been violated. There’s no need to “prove” yourself further by giving manipulators endless chances or forcing yourself to suppress your natural emotions.

The “minor” gaslight with plausible deniability. While there’s nothing minor about gaslighting, the first time it happens may evade your notice. The narcissist or psychopath might pretend they didn’t say something they actually did or make a comment that “teasingly” insults you or accuses you of something you didn’t do. When you call it out, they may hide their true motives by pretending they didn’t mean anything by it. You may feel momentarily disoriented and confused yet willing to believe them because they provide a rationale for their behavior. Yet this micro-betrayal is just one of many to come. By testing you with these “minor” cruel comments disguised as jokes or denials about reality, they are figuring out how far they can go to pull the wool over your eyes. That way, you’ll be “properly” desensitized to cruelty by the time they engage in more impactful gaslighting.

The micro-abandonment. The narcissist usually throws out another kind of test in the beginning stages of the relationship. They’ll stage a “micro-abandonment.” This is when they may disappear during a time they’re usually available. They might even do this during an important period of time – like when you’re sick or when you’ve expressed you need to hear from them. You are shocked because you have not yet been devalued by the narcissist yet and are accustomed to their consistency. Whether it’s leaving you on read or failing to be there for you, they’ll return with  an excuse that you’ll be tempted to believe – if only because this is their “first” of the many more disappearances to come.

Presenting us with glimmers of a false mask that we get excited about – only to reveal these positive qualities never existed. Narcissists pretend to be our ideal partners in the beginning of the relationship, only to later reveal bit by bit how they were the complete opposite of who they pretended to be. If they engaged in moral grandstanding about how they would never lie to you, you find them lying about irrelevant matters. If they feigned sharing the same interests and hobbies as you only to express disdain and disinterest, you’re disappointed to find out it was all just a ploy to get you invested in them. If they promised to always care about what made you feel most comfortable in the relationship, they suddenly begin disregarding your emotions. One by one, these micro-betrayals add up until they become the major betrayal that this person is simply nothing like the person you thought they were.

Not being happy for us when we share positive news. Capitalization is the mutual appreciation of good news that strengthens the well-being of a relationship according to research. Narcissists do anything but capitalize when it comes to positive events – they minimize and detract from our happiness. While they could have ardently celebrated your accomplishments in the beginning, they soon start to issue covert put-downs designed to destabilize you and your self-esteem. They could do this with insidious comments that deflate your joy, project their own insecurities, rage in envy, compare you to others, fear-monger, or find supposed shortcomings. They steadily become more antagonistic and distant or fail to acknowledge your achievements altogether in response. While these types of reactions may start out slowly in toxic relationships, these increasingly critical comments grow over time until it becomes apparent that the narcissist does not support you no matter what you achieve. In fact, research finds that they can be exhibit malicious envy which leads them to sabotage others.

Punishment for holding them accountable. A narcissist despises being held accountable and will punish you for calling them out even if they were the ones guilty of unscrupulous behavior. As a result, they might punish you with an unwarranted silent treatment, take away one of your perceived “rewards” (such as their usual displays of affection and tenderness), or flaunt giving the attention they usually give to you to another person. This first punishment is a micro-betrayal that teaches victims of their abuse that they are not to speak up about the matters that are important to them, lest they be met with consequences.

The first time they try to provoke jealousy. Research indicates that narcissists and psychopaths try to provoke jealousy in their partners to gain a sense of power and control. The first time they attempt to provoke jealousy can be a micro-betrayal in itself. The narcissist might suggestively turn their head to “check out” another romantic prospect while also peering at you afterward to ensure you notice them doing so. They could bring up a co-worker they had lunch with or an ex that is texting them, putting on a demeanor of faux innocence or concern as they gauge your reaction. This is to assess how much control they can have over your emotions and test the relationship to see how willing you are to “compete” for them.

Intruding on your privacy when they first meet you while misrepresenting their own lives. Narcissists and psychopaths poke, prod, and pry to find out all about your insecurities and traumas in the beginning. However, they misrepresent their own lives. That’s because they know they’ll use the information they gather about your life against you, and don’t want you to have any ammunition against them. You may feel betrayed when you realize you disclosed something to them that you would rarely share, only for them to lie about themselves or use it for their own gain.

Lying to us about matters that are both irrelevant and relevant. Big lies, white lies, beige lies, blue – it doesn’t matter what brand of lie a narcissist engages in so long as they’re fibbing to you. The micro-betrayal of the white lie is that it makes us wonder what else the narcissist has lied about or the crucial information they might be omitting. If they’re willing to lie about things that don’t matter, how do they handle the matters that do?

Withdrawing acknowledgment and withholding of compliments. Survivors of narcissists have all been there before. There’s been a consistent shower of love bombing thrown your way and then – silence. Crickets. The day you stop receiving the healthy praise the narcissist has conditioned you to expect to receive is the first micro-betrayal that starts the long chain of devastating pattern of withholding throughout the relationship. This causes you to work even harder trying to regain their approval.

Leaving “crumbs” of betrayal on social media and treating you and your relationship disrespectfully. Social media isn’t just social media. It’s a highly public platform that can amplify your joy or escalate attempts at public humiliation. Narcissists and psychopaths weaponize it for sinister purposes. They enjoy publishing suggestive posts, stories, memes, or subtweets negatively directed at you and your relationship or following shady social media accounts in an attempt to make you jealous. These covert jabs become more and more aggressive over time until you’re exhausted from confronting them and them gaslighting you in turn.

Slowly but surely backtracking on promises of the future while dangling the carrot of false hope. In the beginning of your relationship with the narcissist, you were likely subjected to immense love-bombing and future-faking. They dropped hints of marriage, children, vacations, and a long-lasting love. Yet slowly but surely they begin to backtrack on these promises and begin to manufacture problems instead. Rather than owning up to the fact that their fast-forwarding was part of their manipulation, they justify their behavior by claiming the very barriers that would not stop them before are insurmountable now. For example, they may have declared that no distance could keep you apart from them but now complain of driving your way. Or they might have told you that you could work through anything but are now emphasizing key differences. The issue is they had all the same information they had before when they were painting a future with you – they just knew they never intended to carry it out. This is an extremely manipulative betrayal as it orchestrates false hope, dangling a carrot just to meet whatever agenda they have. If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, it’s important to seek professional support. You deserve to heal.

However, there is still a stigma with mental health issues and seeking treatment for those problems. And because of the stigma, many people may struggle to not only ask for help but also recognize that their mental health may be suffering.

Here are four red flags you seriously need to prioritize your mental health right now.

1. You’re incredibly irritable.

Basically, everything is making you mad. This includes even the most minor inconveniences such as getting your purse caught on the door handle or misplacing your keys temporarily. Positive things seem to be setting you off, too. For example, a friend you love texting you makes you feel stressed and on edge. Your fuse seems to be getting shorter and shorter and you’re not entirely sure why.

Irritability is a sign of mental health issues because it can be caused by a number of things including depression, anxiety, stress, or poor sleep.

2. Basic self-care is becoming increasingly difficult.

Standard self-care tasks such as showering, brushing your teeth, getting to bed at a reasonable hour, etc. has become incredibly difficult for you to accomplish.

3. You’re completely exhausted.

Even if you’re sleeping enough or even more than usual, it doesn’t seem to make a difference in your energy levels because you’re completely drained all the damn time.

4. You’ve been isolating yourself.

While spending time alone is important and healthy, isolating yourself is another thing entirely. Signs you may be isolating include avoiding social outings that used to be fun, canceling plans on a consistent basis, experiencing stress or anxiety when thinking about socializing, etc.

***

Mental health is imperative for overall wellness, and needing help managing your mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. If you have been experiencing any signs of mental health troubles, do not hesitate to reach out for support.

You’re extremely intuitive: your brain processes details more deeply and you may be the first one in the “tribe” to sense danger.

Neuroscience research reveals that the brains of highly sensitive people (also known as sensory processing sensitivity) work in a different way than non-HSPs. If you are regularly the first in the group to identify a toxic person, decipher red flags, or predict dangers accurately, you may be an HSP. Highly sensitive people have a greater depth of processing and tend to be attuned to the details and the subtleties of their environment. High sensitivity is not just limited to humans:  according to researcher Dr. Elaine Aron, over 100 species have a minority group that is “highly sensitive.” This can be an evolutionarily advantageous trait as the highly sensitive tend to pay more attention to the details, recognize valuable patterns, be alert to both opportunity and threat, and connect past and present events to predict the future. This is what makes you seem highly intuitive and highly perceptive to others. As an HSP, it’s important not to discount your intuition as you likely arrived to conclusions by processing a vast array of important information. However, you still have to balance your high depth of processing with reserving your energy: certain situations may call for deeper processing, while others may not.

You’re very empathic and feel the emotions of others intensely – sometimes to your detriment.

Highly sensitive people tend to be more empathic than the average person. Studies indicate that when HSPs view photographs displaying negative and positive emotional states, there is greater activation in areas of their brains associated with empathy, awareness, and action planning. You can powerfully experience the emotions of others and be attuned to subtle social cues – this can serve you or it can harm you if you’re dealing with a toxic person. Empathy can be a beautiful gift that allows you to help others. Yet you may be prone to over-empathizing with people who hurt you if you exercise your empathy without healthy boundaries. Highly sensitive people can also become a target for narcissists and psychopaths who seek to exploit their empathy, compassion, and emotional labor for their own gain.

You value your alone time more than most. You get overwhelmed by social interactions easily and your nervous system can become easily overstimulated.

Not all highly sensitive people are introverts – in fact, 30% are extroverts. However, whether you’re introverted or extroverted, if you are a highly sensitive person, you likely need time alone to recharge after social interactions, especially when it comes to conflict. Your mirror neurons, the neurons which help you identify the intentions of others and understand their emotions (even experiencing these emotions yourself), tend to be highly active.  It makes sense you would need more alone time than the average person given that your brain gets super busy trying to process everything around you while also being an emotional sponge to the emotions of others. It’s no wonder HSPs can benefit from long periods of hibernation to soothe their nervous system. Imagine a computer that is constantly carrying out complicated algorithms about social interactions and putting out calculations – it eventually needs a break and a push of the “shut down” and “restart” buttons.

You’re sensitive to chaotic environments and sensory input.

As a highly sensitive person, the world around you can be incredibly stressful. The sounds of loud crowds, the rough texture of a blanket, the brightness of a light – all of these can irritate you easily if you’re a highly sensitive person. Studies reveal that high sensitivity is associated with greater activation in areas of the brain related to visual processing and in detecting even minor changes in the environment.  While others might enjoy and find excitement in loud concerts, busy city streets, and blaring lights, you might find more comfort in a dark, cool room with no people present, a calm setting filled with nature, or opt to “tune out” the outside world by wearing headphones. That is why you also go out of your way to avoid places where you might run into these sensory triggers.

You have stronger emotional responses than other people.

As a highly sensitive person, your emotions are both a gift and a hindrance. You have a rich inner life where you can experience extreme joy, exquisite sadness, and tender appreciation. You may have a deep love for the arts. You tend to value emotional expression and experience a heightened emotional vividness. Combine this perceptual and emotional vividness with their increased awareness of the emotions of others, and HSPs experience the world on an intense level. Next time you’re accused of being “too sensitive,” remember that your sensitivity can be an asset and an evolutionary advantage. You just have to know when to use it in a way that benefits you and the greater good.