Britney Spears.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Maria River Red (@britneyspears)

Those of us who experienced the golden age of Britney will never forget this mega-famous pop star at her prime. For some people, Britney was their first ever favorite song, concert “VHS” tape, CD, and poster. She and Kevin Federline met in 2004 where sparks flew as their eyes met across the room in a “love at first sight” fashion. After a very brief three-month romance, they got married. This is a red flag in itself, as there was likely some love bombing and fast-forwarding going on; she and Kevin also had children shortly after the wedding. It is important to note that before Kevin met Britney, he was already engaged to Shar Jackson, who was about to give birth to her second child. Yet Kevin abandoned her and her unborn child for Britney Spears. Britney’s own marriage to Kevin Federline seemed to push her toward self-sabotage and reckless behaviors. Britney filed for divorce only a few weeks after her second son and had a number of public breakdowns, and understandably so: the stress of being with a toxic individual can be overwhelming and make you act out of character. As Britney noted in a now deleted Instagram post, Federline would refuse to see Britney even though she was pregnant with his second child at the time. She said, “But geez {Kevin} wouldn’t see me when I flew to New York with a baby inside me and Las Vegas when he was shooting a video!” She received advice from someone which she took seriously. “I got a text saying, ‘If you don’t divorce Kevin he will publicly do it to you.’ Since I hadn’t seen him in a while, I already knew it was over {and} I had my baby.” Britney was also fed up with the fact that Kevin would regularly go out partying and leave her alone to raise their kids. Kevin allegedly continued a pattern of cheating and deceptive behavior that was evident in his past relationship with Shar; he was reportedly cheating on Britney with an exotic dancer according to Today.

Parental alienation is another tactic narcissistic and otherwise toxic personalities use to gain control, pitting their own children against the victimized parent. Spears has faced numerous difficulties in co-parenting with Federline, who she feels has brainwashed and turned the kids against her. Federline even released private videos of her to depict her as an unfit mother. Spears’ lawyer, Mathew Rosengart told People in a statement, “Britney has faithfully supported her children and she loves them dearly,” the statement said. “Whether he realizes it or not, Mr. Federline has not only violated the privacy and dignity of the mother of his children, he has undermined his own children, whose privacy he should protect. Putting aside his ITV interview, Mr. Federline’s ill-advised decision to post an old video of his 11 and 12-year-old children was cruel, bottom-of-the-barrel stuff. It was abhorrent. In addition to demeaning himself and violating societal norms, he has now also created various legal issues for himself including, but not limited to, implicating cyber-harassment and cyber-bullying statutes, among other things.” Many fans have called out Kevin for exploiting Britney Spears’ money for years after the divorce; he continues to make bank weaponizing interviews about her and the kids.  “It saddens me to hear that my ex-husband has decided to discuss the relationship between me and my children,” Spears told NYPost.

Lessons from Britney’s toxic relationship:

Don’t trust the “spark” at the beginning of a love bombing romance without thoroughly vetting your partner. Do not rush into marriage and children quickly, especially if you have considerably more resources than your husband (you never know whether he’s exploiting you or planning on doing so). Marriages with a toxic partner only harm any children you bring into it. Ask yourself the important questions to assess both the motives of yourself and your partner when it comes to marriage and raising children. And remember that the way a relationship starts is likely the way it’s going to end as well: if a man is abandoning his previous partner and baby to begin a relationship with you, it’s probably not going to be a happy ending as it’s an indication of his deep-rooted character and capacity for empathy. These types don’t change for anyone, not even if you’re the biggest pop star of all time. At the same time, show yourself self-compassion. If you acted out of character in a toxic relationship and reacted to chronic patterns of manipulation, you’re not alone.

Selena Gomez.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Selena Gomez (@selenagomez)

This one may be debatable to the fanbase, but it’s clear that at the very least what Selena Gomez went through was a toxic relationship that she identified as emotionally abusive. Her on-and-off tumultous romance with Justin Bieber made headlines for seven years, and only two months after the final break-up between them, Justin headed for the altar with a new wife. Throughout their relationship, allegations of Justin cheating were confirmed by Selena herself. She posted on Justin’s Instagram in August 2016, “Funny how the ones that cheated multiple times, are pointing the finger at the ones that were forgiving and supportive, no wonder fans are mad.” She wrote this Instagram comment in the midst of a heated conversation with Justin where she suggested he stop blaming his fans for questioning one of the relationships that he got into shortly after one of his break-ups with Selena. In an interview for NPR, Selena Gomez disclosed that when the relationship finally did end for good, she didn’t get a “respectful closure” from Justin and that she was a victim to a certain type of abuse which she later clarified was emotional abuse. In her interview with Zane Lowe, she talked about having higher standards after these experiences and channeling her pain into her music, saying, “The agony. The confusion. The self-doubt…I am worth something. I’m not going to settle, I’m going to wait. Because there is something out there that is going to give me that feeling that I deserve and that I want.”

But even after Selena had already moved on, Justin’s emotionally abusive behavior toward her continued. During his 29th birthday, Justin appeared to taunt Selena by sharing party favors engraved with the message that he was glad he didn’t “get” what he thought he wanted, which fans deemed a passive-aggressive reference to Selena. This is a classic gaslighting tactic of toxic people post-breakup – instead of moving forward with their life, they decide to flaunt their new relationship to their previous partner, gleefully painting themselves as “not the problem.” Yet Justin’s perspective of both of his two major relationships are very similar, revealing that it is likely Justin’s destructive patterns, rather than the patterns of his partners, that are the root of the problem. Referring to Selena, he said, “When stuff would happen, I would lose my freakin’ mind, and she would lose her mind, and we would fight so hard because we were so invested in each other. Love is a choice. Love is not a feeling. People have made it seem in movies that it’s this fairy tale.” When it comes to his new wife Hailey, he told Vogue, “I’m the emotionally unstable one,” and confesses that marriage didn’t solve his problems like he expected they would. Hailey also told Vogue, “The thing is, marriage is very hard…That is the sentence you should lead with. It’s really effing hard.” Many fans have pointed out the hardships of this marriage and have criticized the way Justin callously treats his new wife – from appearing to slam a car door in her face to failing to dress up at a business event held in her honor. It’s clear that Justin’s issues didn’t magically disappear just because he moved on to a new partner.

Life lessons from Selena and Justin’s romance:

Narcissistic and otherwise toxic people engage in jealousy induction and create “love triangles” to pit people against one another. They will appear to move on quickly to other people while still drawing attention to their past partners. They do not enjoy seeing their past partners move on and heal. Their toxic patterns continue regardless of who they move on with. Do not be afraid to let go of an abusive, on-and-off relationship – you may just be freeing yourself from more years of turmoil. Don’t trust narcissistic or toxic people to address their real problems: they will likely cast their abusive behavior as “everyday problems” when in reality it’s not about how hard marriage is. If one partner is lacking in empathy or consideration for their partner, the marriage will be difficult regardless of who it’s with. Selena did a terrific job channeling her experiences and emotions into creativity and success: it would be wise to follow this example after you’ve ended a relationship with a toxic or emotionally abusive person.

Amber Rose

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Amber Rose (@amberrose)

Rapper and model Amber Rose, who dated Alexander Edwards, Kanye West and Machine Gun Kelly, has been very honest and transparent about the fact that she has a pattern of dating narcissistic people. As she told Complex, “I had to go see a therapist, and she was just like, ‘You attract narcissistic sociopaths.’ And I am not mentioning no names. But a few of them have been that…Like, nah, you’re not gonna control my every move, you’re not gonna tell me what I need to wear, you’re not gonna tell me where I need to go or who to be friends with. I don’t have time for that s–t.” She also wrote in an Instagram post referring to her ex Alexander Edwards who allegedly cheated on her with 12 different women, “When {you’re} in love with a narcissist, your brain tells you to run when your heart says stay. Unanswered questions. Gaslighting. Stonewalling, Deflecting, Projecting. I wish it was easy for me to ‘fix him,’ but that’s not for me to do. The pain cuts so deep, especially when there are children involved.” Her other ex, Kanye West, is also infamous for his abusive and controlling behavior toward Kim Kardashian.

Life lessons from Amber Rose:

Amber is refreshingly honest about her life and relationships and brings up vital points. Know your patterns. If you tend to become entangled with narcissistic people, it’s important to seek help and healing to disrupt the trauma repetition cycle. Adding marriage or children to the mix will only make it harder to leave – so never try to save a toxic relationship with further commitment.  The traits of narcissism make infidelity more likely according to research. Even a one-time affair should not be dismissed as there is no guarantee it won’t happen again. Serial cheating and deception is abuse.

Sandra Bullock

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sandra Bullock (@sandra.bullock.official)

When actress Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for her film The Blind Side, she thanked her husband, “reformed bad boy” Jesse James in her speech. He appeared to have tears in his eyes as Bullock thanked him. James, a former high-school football star who was notorious in his youth for getting into bar fights and stealing cars, appeared to have redeemed himself as an entertainment bodyguard who opened up a motorcycle shop. Yet he also had two failed marriages when he met Sandra Bullock, and tattoo artist Kat Von D had accused him of sleeping with a whopping 19 other women throughout their mere one-year relationship. In fact, his most recent pregnant wife, Bonnie, accused him of cheating just this past year, calling him a “truly disgusting being” and sharing she was deeply hurt by his actions. The world later found out that Jesse James had cheated on Sandra with a stripper, and that this 11-month long affair began when she began filming. When Jesse James was asked about the affair, he confessed it was likely because of “ego, loneliness, distrust, which probably led to resentment.” But catch that last word: resentment. During one of the most celebratory moments of Sandra’s life, James decided he would sabotage it with his infidelity. Likely, he was resentful and envious that the attention was not on him. Cheating was a way for him to nurse his own ego when his more successful wife took center stage. Considering that five other women came forward with cheating allegations against Jesse, it’s clear that his patterns are narcissistic and have nothing to do with Sandra and their relationship.

Life lessons from Sandra Bullock’s marriage: “Bad boys” are tempting to date but cannot usually be reformed. Narcissistic and psychopathic people can certainly put on a charming show, but their pleas for forgiveness and pity ploys are hollow and empty. They tend to be pathologically envious of their partners and cannot stand when the focus is not on them. They will actively sabotage the moments in your life where you are celebrating and flourishing. If a man has two failed marriages and a past history of crime, it is worth evaluating why before you get involved. Even if he claims his childhood trauma “made him do it,” consider whether he’s actually made the substantial steps to change. If he’s not comfortable with you being in the spotlight, he’ll likely lash out due to his ego.

Priyanka Chopra

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Priyanka (@priyankachopra)

Before Quantico star Priyanka Chopra met her soulmate Nick Jonas, she tended to date narcissistic men. In a podcast interview with Dax Shepard, she said, “In relationships, I kept making the same mistakes. I was with similar guys [who were] a little bit narcissistic. I just needed to figure out what about me evoked that. Like, why did I attract it?” Chopra says. “A lot of the patterns in my relationships was my feeling gaslit. I gave that kind of power to the people that I was with, where I was like, ‘You come first.’ … I always looked for someone who I could be vulnerable with, never realizing my vulnerability gave this incredible power to my partner.” Chopra observes that she always had long relationships back-to back with her partners, not all of whom were happy for her or her success. Nick Jonas was considerably different from her past partners, as he was not only a gentleman, he showed pride in both her success and her beauty. He was and continues to be her biggest cheerleader.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Priyanka (@priyankachopra)

Life lessons from Priyanka Chopra:

Don’t give your power away to narcissistic people by shrinking or dimming your light to make them comfortable. Marry the man who wants to see you win. If you’re a successful and smart woman, research shows that you will likely encounter some extra difficulties in the dating world. So it’s important to find a “Nick Jonas” type who is strong enough in his own masculinity not to have his ego wounded when his wife is in the spotlight. Nick Jonas was devoted in his pursuit of Priyanka and never stopped giving her the “honeymoon” stage. Most women flourish in relationships where their partner is extra attentive and – let’s be honest – loves and pursues them just a bit more than she loves and pursues him (although she clearly does love him a lot). You deserve a healthy partner who continues to court you at every stage of the relationship.

If you’re in your early twenties, mind the age gap when it comes to dating and relationships. The 33-year-old man who is telling your 21-year-old self that you’re so “mature” for your age is just hoping you’re naïve enough to believe this so he can better control and manipulate you. This isn’t a relationship: this is grooming. While you may be “legally” ready to date whomever you like, you’re likely not mentally prepared for the consequences when it comes to dating older men. After all, why is it that this older man can’t find anyone within his own age group to date? Could it be that women in his age group have the life experience to see right through him? Narcissistic and otherwise toxic individuals look for vulnerable victims to exploit – people who are either willing to not see the red flags or may not be aware of them at all. Younger women are considered an easy target – not only does the narcissist use them to raise their perceived status or as “arm candy,” they are more likely to be controlled and made dependent on the man. They are also considered easier to impress: if you’re in your early twenties, you may feel awe that your 30-something man lives in his own apartment and pays his own bills because as someone in their early twenties, you’re just starting college and finding your way in life. But you have to ask yourself: why would a grown man be interested in someone he likely has very little in common with at such a drastically different life stage? Your prefrontal cortex, that pesky “reasoning” part of your brain hasn’t even developed yet until approximately age 25 – which means you’re likely more impulsive and less thoughtful in your decision-making than you might think. There is an inherent power imbalance when you enter an age-gap relationship: that person has the life experiences and knowledge to know how to best destabilize you, coerce you, and traumatize you.

You may have a desire to feel sophisticated and taken care of. Perhaps you want a partner with more emotional maturity, financial security, and you think an older man is going to provide you with higher quality dates or experiences. But there’s plenty of high-achieving men in their mid-twenties who can also do that and emotional maturity is not necessarily dependent on age alone in men.  For example, an older man who suffers from “Peter Pan” syndrome and never wants to grow up can be less emotionally mature than a man in his mid-twenties who has his life together and possesses empathy. Your early-to-mid twenties should be spent having fun, exploring different sides of yourself, pursuing your education, dating different men (if you want to), focusing on your interests, building supportive friendships, and pursuing your dreams – not catering to a predatory older man whose interest depends on the age group you’re in. You will never experience this decade of your life again. Make it count and do what fulfills you – not your dating partner.

Love bombing and future faking. Not every toxic lover is going to show up as Darth Vader. Some will come dressed as the knight in shining armor and Prince Charming.

In your early-to-mid twenties, it is so easy to get swept up in a whirlwind romance and what society tells you your life should be like. As a woman, you’ve been programmed to center your life around men and romance. You’ve been taught by media to envision your wedding day and a cozy family life with the man of your dreams. You could likely never envision the benefits of the alternative: waiting longer until you meet someone that meets your standards and expectations or even a single, childfree lifestyle. You’ve been conditioned with pick-me habits of pursuing and chasing men who aren’t worthy of you. You’ve been shamed into having lower standards when it comes to choosing a partner for marriage and raising children because of your “biological clock.” You haven’t yet explored the world fully or met many predators (unless they were in your own family or were present among your peers) so you do not yet know how many actually exist yet. It’s an innocent – yet brutal – time because of what you do not know. Predators take advantage of this lack of knowledge and abundance of social conditioning to prey on you with tactics like love bombing and future faking. They promise you marriage, family, children; they take you on lavish vacations, buy you expensive gifts and flowers, and call and text you every hour. They say “I love you” and “You’re my soulmate” early on.

All of this seems deeply enchanting, magical, and romantic when you’re in your early twenties. You want to risk it all for love and get engaged to the first handsome man who appears decent. Advice: don’t. Imagine a future where all your decisions and agency are robbed because you decided to marry and have children with a love-bombing manipulator who ended up terrorizing you and your future kids – this will change your entire life-course trajectory and who you could have been – and it will impact future generations to come. Consider the early courting process of every relationship as a honeymoon stage – of course there will be butterflies, kisses that will feel like they’re part of a romcom, and memorable firsts. You should cherish these experiences, but don’t bet your future on them. Some of these men will be immature manipulators and others will have darker personality traits. Either way, you’re giving away too much power by allowing them to decide your future before you’ve gotten a chance to live.

Control disguised as love and generosity.

If you’re in your early twenties, be wary of partners who claim they will “take care of you” while you forego your education, dreams or career, stay home and raise the kids. This is a trap that can derail your life, finances, lifelong health, and career. You have no way of knowing they will take care of you long-term or won’t (at the very least, get a strict pre-nuptial agreement that will compensate you for your labor and protect you in the event of infidelity or divorce as a stay-at-home wife if you choose to get married in your twenties). Contrary to popular myth, it’s not women who “baby-trap” their boyfriends or husbands – toxic men actually get full control once you’re pregnant with their child because now you are always tethered to them and you are the one who has to go through a risky pregnancy and expected to be a mother regardless of whether or not he stays or leaves – while he gets to carry on his “legacy” with no repercussions to his mind or body. Once a child enters the situation, it’s very difficult to extricate yourself from someone, toxic or not. Don’t go through a potentially life-threatening pregnancy for a man you barely know. Don’t immediately disrupt your employment history for a man just because you want to get married and he promised to financially provide for you – you will need skills to re-enter the workforce in the event of a divorce. Don’t travel across the country or give up on attending your dream college just because a toxic man said he’d feel more comfortable in another state. Don’t abandon long-held dreams of a career just because a man promises to take care of you: toxic men can be very temperamental and fickle and if you’re in an age-gap relationship, there are way too many stories out there of husbands pursuing another young woman once they’ve gotten their first target pregnant to make such a life-altering decision.

Perhaps it really is your dream to be a stay-at-home wife and mother, but you likely won’t know that until you’ve explored your interests and passions. What do you like to do? What makes your soul feel alive? What kinds of goals do you want to reach? Even if you want to marry a man who is a provider, create a financial safety net for yourself so that you are always independent enough to leave a toxic situation or an abusive marriage. You never know what kind of situation you will end up in, especially if you’re with a malignant narcissist who can mask his true self and hide his real colors for a long time.

Pathological envy and emotional abuse of any kind.

As a woman living and dating in her twenties, you’re going to run into jealous and envious people, especially if you have goals and ambitions and have positive internal and external qualities people are attracted to. Perhaps you’ll run into envious co-workers at the workplaces you enter or encounter jealous female narcissists as friends. Most devastating of all, you might even date or enter a relationship with a pathologically envious narcissist. This is the type of man who will never be genuinely happy for your success, even if he initially pretends to support you so he can showcase your achievements to his friends to make himself look better. He benefits from being associated with your beauty, success, and popularity. Yet he appears to frequently sabotage you and your goals, or express resentment when you are surpassing him in some way. Maybe he starts crazymaking arguments right before important interviews or exams. He might discourage you from applying to your dream college, job, or internship. He could put down your intelligence or talents because he knows how far you’ll go and the potential you have. Familiarize yourself with the red flags of manipulators ahead of time so you are aware of their diversion tactics.

He could try to provoke jealousy in you and betray you just because he knows you could do better than him. He could even verbally or emotionally abuse you or stonewall you when you’re trying to have constructive conversations with him. Drop that man. He is not your biggest cheerleader, he’s your biggest culprit: his envy will be the baggage that will overwhelm you and deflate you each step you take. You will find yourself constantly mired in self-doubt rather than experiencing joy when you achieve something when you are with him. Is this the life you want to live? You’d be better off spending that time and energy going to therapy, working to heal your traumas, and building your self-confidence than spending your time trying to change him.

Being pressured to live together early on.

In your early twenties, living with a man may seem like an “ideal” situation. Your boyfriend and you can spend time together 24/7 and even share the costs – isn’t that just the dream? Let me be the one to deliver the bad news: no. Absolutely not. Of course there are exceptions when this type of situation works out perfectly (when you’re in a once in a blue moon type of relationship where you really are soulmates and fully compatible with one another), but that is very rare. Many women who co-habitate with their boyfriends, especially at such a young and vulnerable age, end up regretting it. Not only do you get subjected to patriarchal expectations (such as taking on the vast majority of domestic labor, cooking and cleaning) before even becoming a wife while your toxic boyfriend gets to have a second childhood and another mother to take care of him (gross), you also lose out on the freedom of your twenties. You’re forced to spend most of your time with a romantic partner and can never escape them or the labor that is expected of you. Your social networks become limited. This is an ideal situation for a narcissist to control you. Ask yourself this: how would you feel knowing you became a live-in girlfriend, providing all the benefits of a wife to this man, only for the relationship to end and for him to get married to someone else after you did all that free labor? What would it feel like if you were trapped by a lease or financial situation that you cannot easily escape in the event of abuse?

Most narcissists won’t show their true colors until after you’ve already moved in, so that is always a risk. It is far better to live alone regardless of who you are dating. If you need to move in with someone because the financial situation in your early twenties is likely going to be less than stellar than when you’ve progressed later in life, move in with your best friend or a neutral roommate instead until you can live on your own. The freedom, peace, and joy that comes with not having to do labor for anyone but yourself is priceless. Resist the urge to move in with a mate you don’t fully know before there is even a legal commitment on the line. Do yourself a huge favor in your early twenties that your future self will thank you for: invest only in yourself.

They exploit you and use you to make themselves look good, while simultaneously devaluing and minimizing your achievements and attributes.

The narcissist’s ability to both exploit and degrade the people they envy at the same time is paradoxical and baffling. For example, they may use an attractive romantic partner as “arm candy” to show off to the world, while verbally abusing them behind closed doors. This is because while the narcissist knows their victims are desirable and can be used to raise their own status simply by association, they also want to ensure their victims don’t recognize their worth or search for a better partner. They want to take down their partners a peg or two and maintain control by belittling them. In the workplace, a narcissistic individual might openly reap the benefits of a talented colleague, while at the same time denigrate and minimize their achievements because they do not possess those achievements themselves. They feel threatened by the idea that this colleague has something they don’t, so instead of acknowledging this with maturity, they prefer to deflate such achievements. They might even go so far as to take credit for their labor and steal their ideas while criticizing them covertly or overtly. In contexts like the family or friendships, the accomplished victim is inevitably scapegoated by jealous peers and family members who want to exploit the resources and status of the victim while also degrading this victim. For example, a narcissistic father might routinely make rude comments about his son’s career, while also demanding he help out with their finances. This sense of entitlement runs rampant among envious narcissists who feel they “own” the positive qualities and assets their victims possess, yet are invested in making their victims feel small as a result of their own inferiority complex.

A shocking lack of appreciation, acknowledgment, or gratitude accompanied by contemptuous hypercriticism.

You can always identify a narcissist by how they choose to give criticism. Narcissistic romantic partners will usually nitpick and criticize you in ways that are nonsensical, fabricating flaws that don’t exist or raging over minuscule matters. For example, a narcissistic spouse may have a temper tantrum over the way you cooked dinner or pick at the way you dress, even if you spent hours cooking a delicious meal for them or put on an extravagant dress for a night out. They might put down your goals, claiming you’re not intelligent enough to pursue a degree or a certain career. In reality, what they’re trying to do with this hypercriticism is control you. They don’t want you to wear that beautiful gown because other suitors may notice you; they don’t want to be appreciative of your domestic labor because they want you to continue trying to go overboard to win their approval; they don’t want you to go back to work or school because it means you’ll no longer be dependent on them. A healthy, empathic person knows how to criticize in constructive ways that do not border on being condescending, excessive, unnecessarily cruel, false, and callous. They know how to make their point with tact, empathy, and dignity. Notice the difference between saying something like, “I really enjoyed hearing your ideas and feedback, and here’s where I think I need further clarification,” and “I see no point in what you’re saying. This is all rubbish. It’s like you’re starting drama for no reason. You’re a bad person.” The former acknowledges the value in someone’s work or input and goes on to offer helpful insight. The latter avoids accountability altogether and uses diversionary false accusations to detract from a person’s perspective. A narcissist will attack people for no reason other than their own ego and overwhelm their targets with false accusations, hypercritical comments that are neither relevant nor applicable, and plenty of projections consisting of their own misdeeds and wrongdoings. This is especially atrocious to witness when the victims they attack are the same people who have gone out of their way to exceed expectations and even benefit the narcissist in some way; it shows a stunning lack of appreciation and gratitude for the hard work, attentiveness, and talent these victims bring to the table.

They always move the goal posts.

A pathologically envious narcissist is never satisfied: that’s because they choose not to be. That is why you will see them constantly moving the goal posts so that their arbitrary standards and expectations can never be met. This moving of the goal posts can also happen within romantic relationships, family, friendships, and the workplace. One minute, you’re too independent and guarded as a romantic partner: the next, you’re labeled too clingy and needy when you dare to show some vulnerability. You need to dim your light to make your narcissistic friend comfortable, but once you do, you’re labeled a doormat and this toxic friend will make you feel weak for doing so even though they previously criticized you for being too “boastful.” You may have a number of credentials and accomplishments to your name, yet somehow the narcissistic co-worker finds a way to minimize and downplay even these contributions and act like they could’ve achieved just the same even though they didn’t. The point of moving the goal posts isn’t to address any actual flaws or shortcomings in the victim: it’s to simply keep you in your “place” so you never feel like you’ve satisfied the narcissist and they can assuage their own sense of inferiority and mitigate feeling threatened by you. In the presence of an envious narcissist who continually moves the goal posts, it’s important to focus on satisfying yourself, not the narcissist. Don’t try to fulfill their bizarre, arbitrary “standards” of what a narcissist portrays as “good enough” because chances are you already surpass them – and they know it.

They issue covert put-downs, turn others against you, or compare you to others.

One effective way narcissists attempt to detract from your achievements or the positive qualities that distinguish you is by setting up false comparisons to other people or by pitting people against you. In workplaces, they could spread gossip about you to others or misrepresent you to those in charge.  They may attribute your achievements to “luck” rather than talent, or assert that they are just as capable as you are of skills, knowledge, and accomplishments that took specialized training or a certain level of natural ability to attain. They will mention irrelevant people who do not actually compare to you as a way to take the spotlight off you, especially during celebratory occasions where you are being praised and congratulated on a job well done. The envious family member will bring up other relatives or siblings to pit you against others in the family unit. The jealous co-worker might praise another co-worker (who is in reality underperforming compared to you) as a snide reminder that you can’t possibly be that “special,” even if no one else compares to you and you bring irreplaceable assets to the team. The narcissistic friend might appear to praise you one second, only to center themselves the next or covertly mention something they perceive as “lacking” in you. This is a way for them to rob you of your “moment” and can be especially excruciating to endure, especially if you worked hard and are more than deserving of what you’ve achieved.

They have a need to “humble” you and attempt to sabotage you.

Beware: if you dare to have a healthy sense of confidence around a narcissist, you will usually be made an automatic target. Narcissistic individuals don’t like when their victims are grounded in their own sense of validation. They prefer their victims defer to their authority and be dependent upon them for approval. A misogynistic dating partner doesn’t want you to know you’re attractive or intelligent; they want to be the ones who “validates” your attractiveness and intelligence – otherwise, they lose their power over you. So if you’re pursuing your PhD, just got a promotion, or obtained a modeling contract, that will be right around the time they start crazymaking arguments with you to sabotage you before important meetings, interviews, or exams. A vindictive, narcissistic family member doesn’t want you to pursue your dreams and career opportunities because they know your financial independence takes away their control over your agency, so they will put down your abilities so you have less confidence. An envious friend feels irked when you exhibit healthy pride because it’s a nagging reminder of their own incompetence, so they change the subject aggressively any time you’re mentioned in the social circle. Or, they feel threatened by your beauty and do everything possible to monopolize attention that’s naturally directed at you or make cutting, resentful remarks to “punish” you for outshining them. That’s why it’s important not to automatically label a woman taking a selfie as a narcissist while dismissing the woman behind her staring at her with seething resentment: true narcissism in women goes far beyond vanity; it is most evident in the envious rage and retaliation narcissists carry out against innocent people.  It’s important to understand that the pathological envy of a narcissist is actually representative of how powerful you are and have the potential to be. Do not let these toxic types convince you to dim your light or shrink.

They’re superficially charming, wear many masks, and mirror socially acceptable responses to emotions to escape detection. They are easily bored, take sadistic pleasure in people’s pain, and like to create chaos for fun.

Much like male psychopaths, female psychopaths are just as charming. They use their cognitive empathy to mirror the socially acceptable emotional responses they observe in others to escape detection – they can wear many masks, adapting like chameleons to the context at hand. Some even adopt a demeanor of being nurturing and maternal or embody damsel in distress tropes and pity ploys to garner sympathy. But within, they are cold, callous, conniving and cruel. This may be revealed more subtly through a saccharine sweet tone of voice that is betrayed by a microexpression of bitterness or a smug sadism when putting down others. There is usually something “off” and inauthentic about the female psychopath’s mannerisms even if they appear otherwise friendly – that is because their hidden contempt and condescension still slips out from time to time, especially if they see you as a threat and have made you a target.  They derive satisfaction and pleasure from duping and conning people – and feel thrilled when causing others pain. They are skilled at deception, grandiose, and at times impulsive and irresponsible. Early on in childhood, they may exhibit cruelty to animals, bully other children, or even engage in criminal behaviors. They use their charisma to climb the corporate ladder with ease, even if they lack the skills to truly succeed long-term; some even engage in fraud. They figure out the weaknesses of others that they can exploit to their advantage. They are prone to boredom, so they manufacture chaos, pitting people against one another for a greater sense of power and control. They victimize and bully the innocent, making prey out of the people they feel threatened by or are envious of. They do this in real life as well as on social media; research with both male and female participants indicates that sadism and psychopathic traits are related to higher levels of online trolling activity. You will likely notice both female narcissists and psychopaths online demeaning and insulting others, especially other women they are jealous of.

They enjoy partner poaching.

In a 2022 BBC interview with female psychopaths, one of the female psychopaths interviewed described how she took great pleasure in having an affair with a married man. When she became bored of the relationship, she ended it by sending his naked pictures to his wife, including one featuring herself with the woman’s husband. When people asked her why she would delight in flaunting this to the wife with so much nonchalance, she replied that it was her callousness that permitted her to do so. Female psychopaths  go out of their way to engage with partnered men as a chronic pattern and take sadistic pleasure in doing so. Research shows that partner poaching is associated with psychopathic traits in both men and women. Female psychopaths can be especially prone to targeting the male partners of their friends as they gain a thrill from trying to “one-up” people in their social circles and dupe these friends while hiding in plain sight.

They engage in relationally aggressive behavior to sabotage others and are particularly envious of those they target.

Research shows that both narcissistic and psychopathic traits are associated with malicious envy – envy that drives destructive behavior toward others. If they are not outwardly violent, female psychopaths channel their aggression into their social relationships, particularly their friendships and work relationships with other women. They interfere in the friendships of others, spreading gossip and rumors with malice: this enables them to play people against each other so they can be the “dominant” friend in the group that others rely and depend on. In the workplace, they may not target those who they need the support of: for example, they will likely not be aggressive toward a boss who pays their salary, but they will target other employees who seem to be surpassing them and attempt to undermine them in a way that depicts themselves as innocent.  They sabotage their talented peers and flirt with their bosses and co-workers in the workplace to get ahead. They steal work and give themselves credit. If they work with vulnerable populations, they may even re-victimize vulnerable clients; for example, a therapist who is also a female psychopath might learn her client’s triggers not for the purpose of helping them heal, but solely for the purpose of manipulating and provoking her client so they remain in therapy. A psychopathic female nurse may administer the wrong dose of medication to watch her patient suffer or bully her colleagues who she deems more attractive or talented than her.

They view life as a competition, ensnaring people in their mind games to “win” – and they lack remorse for their transgressions, no matter how heinous or violent.

Whether they’re a relationship partner or friend, female psychopaths enjoy playing mind games. They gaslight others after insulting them covertly with backhanded comments, ensuring they capitalize on plausible deniability when they are confronted. They enjoy tearing down someone who is celebrating success or exhibiting healthy pride. Prone to pathological lying, they use numerous diversion tactics to escape accountability for their actions and pretend to be the victims of those who call them out. They love bomb, devalue, and provoke jealousy in their partners and friends so they can be the one who establishes dominance. They misuse their sexuality to their advantage. They lead parasitic lifestyles, leeching off the resources of others. They cheat on their doting spouses and cheat with the spouses of others purposely. In the most extreme cases, they murder their husbands or help to murder the wives of the husbands they’re cheating with.  These murders could be goal-directed and intended to secure money from a life insurance policy, orchestrated for retaliation or they could be used to annihilate a sense of threat, remove a “challenge” in the way of one of their perceived goals. Mothers who are psychopathic will abuse their children and use them as pawns; they may even be jealous of their daughters, showing excessive hostility toward them. In the worst-case scenarios, they will murder their own children if they feel their children are an “inconvenience” to their life. They feel entitled to have the attention on them, even if they don’t “crave” the attention like female narcissists do. For them, it’s all about profit or pleasure: if attention alleviates their chronic boredom, they’ll take it. If it meets one of their goals, they will ruthlessly do whatever it takes to meet that goal. They are focused on what benefits them without much remorse for any harm they’ve caused.

If you’re dealing with a female psychopath, it’s important to gain professional support and cut ties. If you can’t avoid them entirely, you must minimize contact – do not disclose any personal information to them that can be used against you. Your mental well-being is paramount. You deserve to be free and you deserve to heal.

Gamify your healing milestones.

One powerful way to get yourself motivated to heal is by “gamifying” your goals. For example, clinical trials have shown that programs that “gamify” rehabilitation goals allow people to effectively transition into self-care after events that have affected their well-being. You can approach your healing by setting up smaller goals that you can reach before you achieve the bigger ones. Treat it like a game. Pair the positive habits you want to reinforce with rewards and pleasure that will motivate you each time you engage in this behavior – this is classical conditioning at its finest. This presents a brilliant framework for how to gamefully live our lives – by setting up a reward system so that we feel rewarded and “score points” figuratively speaking every time we use our strengths and abilities to achieve something, no matter how big or small. For example, a smaller goal of healing may be going for a 15-minute walk in the morning. A bigger goal may be starting a gym routine. You’ll eventually level up to that goal – but tackle the smaller ones first. Exercise can be a vital part of recovery as it has the power to encourage neurogenesis (the birth of new neurons) in the brain – a vital aspect of healing the traumatized brain, where there tends to be neural atrophy. Every time you take that morning walk (or yoga session or meditation), reward yourself with something, like a delicious cup of your favorite coffee, an extra snuggle session with your pet, or watching another episode of your favorite television show. You can also share your progress with others too; for example, by texting a friend a picture from your daily run – studies reveal that social reinforcement can help guide our reward system to work for us.  As you get comfortable, gradually escalate – the 15-minute walk may become a 20-minute run, or an hour-long hike. Soon, your healing milestone will become a radical and ingrained part of your well-being regimen.

Replace self-sabotaging behaviors with a level-up and “glow up” activity.

Piggybacking off this, ensure that you are taking an inventory of the habits that harm you. The narcissist’s verbal and psychological abuse has likely trained you to engage in self-sabotage and self-harm, causing you to internalize false beliefs about your worthiness. One of the best ways to counter these beliefs is through small actions that communicate to yourself that you are worthy of being treated better. Fuel whatever anger you have toward the ways they degraded you into your “glow up” and “level up” goals. If you want to kick butt at school or work, now is the perfect time to channel your anger toward the narcissist into productive outlets. If you want a “revenge glow-up,” this is the perfect opportunity to sculpt both your brain and your body in ways you find most empowering and confidence-inducing for you.  Replace self-sabotage with micro-habits that allow you to flourish. Do you find yourself ruminating the first moment you wake up in the morning? Rumination can be a normal part of the healing journey but incorporating a breathing exercise (such as this popular Wim Hof breathing technique) when you wake up may help you to be more mindful and prepare you for your day so you are less anxious. Are you checking social media or your phone to see if the narcissist has tried to contact you? Practice putting your phone on airplane mode during times you don’t need it and every time you have an urge to do anything related to the narcissist, use your computer instead to focus on the work you do need to do. Install browser extensions like StayFree to prevent social media websites from being accessible – this will enhance your productivity rather than placing your focus elsewhere. Do you find yourself criticizing yourself whenever you look in the mirror? Use that opportunity to compliment yourself, provide extra incentive toward any fitness goals you have, or wear your favorite outfit and take a photo to tap into that “glow-up” energy. Any time you’re tempted to romanticize the narcissist in your mind or engage in a harmful, addictive activity to numb your emotions (like drinking or smoking), replace it with an activity that benefits your well-being, health and fitness (it could be as intensive as going to the gym or as low-effort as dancing in your room, or grabbing a green juice). Over time, replacing your self-sabotaging behaviors with these micro-habits will allow you to flourish. It will also communicate to your subconscious that you feel worthy and deserving of self-care rather than punishment.

Turn the tables on the “energy exchange” that has benefited the narcissist throughout the relationship. Visualize connecting your joy with their karma so that you’re more inclined to pursue your happiness.

Remember how each time the narcissist insulted you or demeaned you, you felt deflated and they became more energetic and vibrant? You may have been the optimistic person in the beginning of the relationship – but you found your energy drained, time and time again until the narcissist was the one who stole your energy and used it to elevate themselves. Now it’s time to turn the tables – energetically speaking.  Imagine that every time you experience happiness, a narcissist loses their wings (not that they ever had them in the first place). Our brains can be wired toward seeking pleasure or avoiding pain: use this to your advantage. If you’re in the stage of your healing journey where you feel unmotivated, visualize that each time you feel joy or help others, it depletes the narcissist in your life of energy and takes away their power. This is not about wishing ill on anyone. It’s simply capitalizing on the universal truth that when we’re happy, narcissists inevitably lose their power. This will motivate you to find more opportunities to experience joy – to laugh, connect with others, enjoy nature, set up more stringent No Contact protocols, and kick some extra butt on that project. It will also make you more motivated to steer away from self-sabotaging behaviors if you imagine that each time you self-destruct or self-sabotage, this only gives them a boost of energy. Visualize this whenever you’re tempted to check up on the narcissist on social media or skip your daily self-care routine. It will remind you that the benefit comes from upleveling yourself and not remaining stagnant in that old energy.

Wait, what? Isn’t healing all about never thinking of revenge or karma ever? We agree that your energy is usually best spent on your own healing and not on seeking revenge in the conventional sense. However, success and leveling up tends to be the best “revenge” there is. The truth of the matter is, when someone has violated you, it’s very common to feel the need for justice. To deny this is to deny the multifaceted humanity of a trauma survivor – and also to abandon how these emotions can actually serve you in your healing when used productively. By the time you’ve leveled up so hard that the narcissist’s energy can no longer even touch you, you won’t even care to think about them. But it takes some work to get there. There are times we need that extra motivation to keep going. Make your thirst for revenge, if any, functional and beneficial to you, your goals, and the greater good.

Build an unbreakable self-concept.

When survivors are healing from narcissistic abuse, they often worry that they themselves are a narcissist. They fear behaviors even remotely associated with stereotypical tropes about narcissism, even though there’s plenty of research revealing that loving oneself and exhibiting healthy pride is quite different from narcissistic traits and behaviors. So, survivors of narcissists do everything possible to humble and shrink themselves. However, that only serves the pathologically envious narcissist who was invested in keeping you down. For the time being, don’t worry about being too grandiose or “full of yourself.” These are false accusations and projections from the narcissist that they used to keep you small. You are not self-centered or selfish for acknowledging your strengths and positive traits. You are embodying the self-concept and power they were afraid you were going to own all along. Every day, make it a daily habit to write down what you like about yourself and the qualities others have given you positive feedback about (both external and internal). At the same time, mentally “devalue” the narcissist by writing down their weaknesses and unsavory qualities, as well as what you won’t miss about them and what you are free to do now that you are out of the toxic relationship. Do not filter yourself – this exercise is to empower you.

You may not be at the part of your journey yet where you are grounded in self-validation. That’s okay. You will get there. For now, it’s time to remind yourself of what makes you unique, special, and irreplaceable – what makes you a loss and what makes being free from the narcissist a gain. An abusive relationship with a narcissist trains you to always compare yourself to others and forget who you are. It’s time to remind yourself that you have no competition. Treat yourself like royalty – someone who should not settle for less. You’ll start to notice that as your self-concept changes, the way you treat yourself transforms too: on a day where you may usually neglect yourself, you find yourself dressing up and going outdoors to enjoy the sunshine; where once you spent hours in bed, you now find yourself making plans. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but eventually you will learn to put yourself on a pedestal and devalue narcissistic people in ways that make them undesirable to you. You will no longer feel the need to have them in your life or crave their validation.

Call back your power through more realistic affirmations.

Spiritual rituals can be a significant way to heal – yet most of the time, rituals that go beyond love and light are rendered taboo. After all, everyone cautions you not to hex an ex; they want you to pray for them over a candlelit vigil. People tell you never to talk back and always be the bigger person – rising above is considered energetically superior and “mature,” though the same admonishment is never administered to the perpetrator. Anger is considered practically demonic, especially in women who are socialized to stay quiet as they endure numerous transgressions. In reality, avoidance strategies such as suppressing our anger and authentic emotions worsens our trauma symptoms according to studies. Empowering affirmations can help stimulate the brain’s reward system and reinforce our positive view of self and core values, cultivating behavioral change– but the best part is, you can customize them to you and how you authentically want to feel about yourself and this situation. Affirmations can be a powerful way to call back your power on a daily basis. You don’t have to censor yourself. “I am amazing and irreplaceable. I call back my power and any benefits toxic people received from my energy,” is just as valid as “I am healing more and more every day.” Incorporate both types of affirmations into your recovery routine.

Another affirmation to call back your power could be something like, “Everything that was stolen from me in this toxic relationship returns to me tenfold.” Visualize your power coming back to you, touching every aspect of your life. Daily badass affirmations like these will train your brain over time to expect and identify opportunities to reclaim your power in real life – whether it’s deciding to pursue career opportunities or taking smaller steps toward healthier eating. Remember, not all of your affirmations need to be strictly “love and light.” You don’t have to engage in anything you’re not comfortable with or anything that isn’t safe for your healing. But there are ways you can use rituals to be a cathartic source of healing that don’t fit the cookie-cutter recipe of kumbaya and forgive and forget. Instead of turning the other cheek, make the narcissists in your life meek by feeding yourself the power toxic people have robbed you of. Words as well as actions hold the power to define yourself and your reality. They can train you to fight back and regain control and mastery over your life. You deserve to be victorious and to be the winner of your life.

When the narcissist first love-bombs you, they seem to have all the time in the world to communicate with you. They respond to your every message within minutes, seem anxious when you take a break from communicating with them, and answer your questions with lengthy, heartfelt replies. Not only do they appear to actively drop anything they’re doing to respond to you, they seem to carve out large amounts of time to cater to you and get to know you. After they’ve “hooked” you, however, their communication patterns shift abruptly in ways that give you emotional whiplash. They suddenly view your simple attempts to communicate with them as a hindrance, burden, and inconvenience. This is different from actually being busy, as even the busiest person in the world knows how to communicate their time restrictions with grace and respect. Even overscheduled doctors and presidents of countries find the time to text their wives, and if they’re empathic, they certainly don’t lash out at their partners for asking for an explanation after a prolonged absence. The narcissist, on the other hand, lashes out with a fury and frustration that shocks their victims with its cruelty during the devaluation phase of the relationship when they are asked why they are behaving so unusually. They will accuse you of being clingy and gaslight you into believing you are in the wrong for becoming accustomed to the level of responsiveness they set up for you to expect in the first place. They insult you for asking for basic respect. If anything, they were the ones who were “needy” when they were love bombing you and ardently pressuring you to reply to them. They trained and conditioned you to always expect a timely response and now punish and degrade you for reacting to their deliberate withdrawal and withholding of their time.

Good morning beautiful/handsome.

This is a common love bombing phrase narcissists use early on to groom you in the relationship. They will send this or a variation of this text (perhaps with a personalized nickname or other compliment) every morning to train you into associating them with every morning greeting. This is an insidious way they infiltrate your life whether you want them to or not. Their hope is that you will start off every day with them on your mind – and they hope it is their presence that will affect you throughout the day. They will also be the last ones to wish you good night, ensuring that they are the last person you think of before heading to sleep. Early on, they will declare you are their “soulmate” and speak in awe about how they have so much in common with you. This slowly but surely creates a faux sense of intimacy with the narcissist that they know will feel like a “loss” once they devalue and discard you in the relationship. As they begin to withhold these “good morning” and “good night” texts over time, they know you’ll be tempted to overexert yourself and attempt to re-gain their approval and validation, even if you weren’t that invested in the relationship to begin with. That’s because narcissists know that if you are sensitive to any sense of “rejection,” you will wonder why the person who seemed so besotted with you one minute is suddenly treating you callously the next.

I am so sorry. I don’t deserve you.

The narcissist is only half-lying in this text message. It’s quite true they don’t deserve you – but they are hardly genuinely sorry for their horrific actions against you; if they were, they would have taken sustainable, long-term actions to repair the relationship and made amends. Narcissists drop a “I am sorry” apology text after abusive incidents and whenever they want to feign remorse to get you hooked back into the relationship. This is a low-effort text they send when they want to engage in hot-and-cold behavior and conveniently get back on your good side. They drop the “I don’t deserve you” text not because they actually feel that way (many actually feel entitled to empathic, attractive, loving, and kind partners such as yourself) but because they want you to feel sorry for them and prove them otherwise. They want you to heighten your love and compassion toward them and say, “Of course you deserve me! I love you and will do anything for you and this relationship!” They want your validation that they’re still a good person even when they’re acting like anything but.

They’re just a friend/co-worker. Nothing to worry about.

Although you were once the center of the narcissist’s universe and apple of his or her eye, someone that the narcissist once had to win over and perceived to be out of their league, the narcissist now enjoys having a sense of power and control over your emotions. One of the most common manipulation tactics they use to disorient you in a romantic relationship is called “jealousy induction” which research shows narcissists and psychopaths deliberately use to destabilize you. This is when they manufacture toxic love triangles to get you to compete over them. They may do this by mentioning past or potential love interests or shady “friends” and “co-workers” they seem to be spending more time with. They do this to provoke a reaction from you – when you do react, they feel smug and self-assured of their false sense of superiority and desirability. They gaslight you and reassure you that these are “just” friends or co-workers you have no reason to worry about, accusing you of being insecure and paranoid.  Sometimes there really is nothing going on because the narcissist doesn’t have as many options as they would like you to think they have, but they still want you to be concerned regardless because they enjoy toying with your emotions. They want you to fear losing them so that you’ll be more flexible with your standards and more compliant to their demands. After all, if you’re too busy competing over a narcissist, you’re also too busy to detach or leave them.

A read receipt followed by silence.

This text message is all about the text narcissists don’t send you. Many narcissistic and otherwise toxic people will activate their read receipts for a purpose. They want to weaponize evidence of their newfound neglect and indifference to torment you. That’s why they will either always have read receipts on from the beginning (at first to signal their constant availability and swift responsiveness during love-bombing) or turn them on suddenly during the devaluation stage. It’s not enough that narcissists are ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment: they want you to know you are being ignored. During this time, they will add salt to the wound by purposely posting on social media (including publishing shady stories and posts that seem to covertly reference your relationship or following suspicious people), or communicating with other people and ensuring you are aware of that (for example, you may notice them active on a dating app or forum during this time, or hear from a mutual friend that they called them).

I am so tired of this / done with this.

It’s true that victims of narcissists can also occasionally use this phrase to express their disappointment with the narcissist and the fact that they’re fed up, but narcissists use this classic stonewalling phrase through text to specifically to shut down healthy conversations and to avoid accountability. You will be sent this text message when you have done nothing but tried to communicate with the narcissist in healthy and fair ways about problems in the relationship. For example, you may politely bring up the fact that they never seem to be there for you when you need them even though they promised they always would. Or you may gently share that you felt uncomfortable with one of their legitimately shady “friendships” that they are clearly using to provoke jealousy in you. In response, a healthy and empathic partner would address your concerns. The narcissist, on the other hand, will gaslight you into thinking you’re defective for daring to have any emotions at all. They will lash out in rage and end the conversation before it’s even begun, disappearing for hours or even days and weeks – this is a cruel punishment they subject you to just for voicing these concerns, holding them accountable, or questioning them. Over time, these stonewalling texts teach you to second-guess yourself and stay silent about your wants, needs, and rights just to “keep” the relationship.

Look, I’ve been thinking about this for a while and this just isn’t working out.

When the narcissist chooses to break up with you over text rather than in person, they will do so in a cowardly way that allows them to pretend to be a good person even after subjecting you to chronic psychological and emotional abuse. Most narcissists have a “script” when discarding their victims. They may say something like, “Look, I’ve been thinking about this for a while,” and proceed to tell you (even after their numerous attempts at begging for forgiveness after abusive incidents, or proclaiming you’re their soulmate) that they do not believe you are a match or compatible and should end things. They will list how you “can’t take a joke,” are too sensitive, or “always think the worst of them” as reasons for the break-up to gaslight you when in reality their major reason for the break-up is to establish dominance and control. This is a way to disguise the long-standing pattern of their abuse as mere “incompatibility” when in reality, they lack the empathy and the emotional equipment to be in a relationship with anyone. It’s definitely true that you are not compatible with a narcissist – no lies there – but it bears repeating that the narcissist isn’t compatible with anyone due to their lack of empathy. Unbeknownst to the victim, even the break-up is a “test” – a way to see whether you will chase after them and beg for their attention. A “text” break-up is often orchestrated to traumatize you into settling for less and narcissists expect you to try to make up with them afterward and will rarely leave you alone without trying to provoke you post-breakup.

How are you? I’ve been thinking about you. I miss you and I don’t want to lose you.

Narcissists usually return for a second or third “round” of abusive tactics even after they’ve supposedly broken up with you. Research indicates they often stay connected to their exes for access to sex and resources. They don’t want you moving forward and want ultimate power over your life in the aftermath of the break-up and recovery process. That’s why throughout the relationship they’ll text you saying they don’t want to lose you or the relationship, only to discard you callously; they want to train you to be dependent on their validation and keep you off-kilter. They continue the cycle by reaching out even after you’ve exited the relationship and especially if they fear you’re becoming happy without them or pursuing a new partner. They send these mixed signals to keep you forever “hooked” and trauma bonded to them. If you receive a “check-in” and “miss you” text from a narcissist who has repeatedly mistreated you, make no mistake: they are trying to see if they can ensnare you into the cycle once more, only to punish you even more harshly for giving them another chance.  Make sure you don’t text back or look back. You deserve better.

Do I want to be married because I want a wedding and the social status that comes with being married or because I want a marriage with a partner who is truly compatible with me?

Women are taught to idealize the day they get married rather than think strategically about who they marry and what marriage itself will realistically look like. Yet some longitudinal research shows that the benefits of marriage may differ for women and men. Certain mental health and physical health factors stabilize or decline for both men and women after transitioning into marriage, with women showing a sharper decline. While men tend to experience an increase in life satisfaction after getting married, women tend to experience greater psychological distress and a sharper decrease in life satisfaction transitioning into and after getting married; men also tend to reap more health benefits overall. A review of the research literature by Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo showed that for both men and women, getting married only results in a slight increase in life satisfaction after the wedding, then continues to decline; this was shown in a meta-analytic review by Luhmann and colleagues (2012) as well as a 16-year longitudinal study of 11,429 adults by Kalmijn (2017) which captured this “honeymoon effect.” Luhmann and colleagues analyzed studies totaling 65,911 people and discovered that life satisfaction decreased over the following months after marriage. Kalmijn also noted this honeymoon effect in their study of 11,429 adults which showed an increase in depressive feelings and a decrease in life satisfaction as the marriage continues, with a surprisingly negative effect on health. In addition, their study revealed that women tended to experience a less negative effect from divorce on their life satisfaction than men did, suggesting that women may fare better in their well-being when they do exit the marriage. Another longitudinal study of 12,373 adults did not find that married people became healthier after becoming married unless they were in very long marriages surpassing ten years (Tumin, 2017). In summary, marriage likely won’t save you or your relationship if you aren’t already happy and healthy to begin with.

Unless you’re a man who tends to benefit from the additional domestic and emotional labor that wives are traditionally expected to take on, marriage isn’t going to drastically improve your life – in fact, depending on the partner you choose, it may actually add to your stress levels and burdens. You must ask yourself: is the person I am considering a potential lifelong partner someone who shares my core values, is genuinely attentive and generous, and emotionally stable – someone who has proven through their behavior and long-term actions that they are committed to me? Is this a partner who has good character, empathy and respect for me and others? Would they still be a good co-parent and respectful ex-partner even if we got divorced? Unless you are with a high-quality man who intends to take on more of the domestic responsibilities or be a provider, the benefits of marriage to men and women remain unequal. This may be one of the reasons why single and childfree women tend to be one of the happiest, wealthiest and healthiest subgroups in society and can even experience greater psychological growth according to research. You should know that you are not missing out on money, health, or happiness if you choose to take a different route. Social factors matter, too. If you are evaluating your life satisfaction based on the fact that you are praised by society for being married, you may overestimate your life satisfaction while not taking into account the satisfaction of your relationship or the true nature of your partner. Some women may find that when answering this question, they realize that they’re more into the idea of an engagement, the wedding day, and the social status of having a committed relationship rather than marriage itself.

Do I want to be married because I truly intend to choose a high-quality partner for life, or because I require validation from friends and family that I am now a “true” adult and will get married no matter what, even if it means I am settling for less?

Piggybacking off this last question, people may rush into marriage because they feel pressured to complete a traditional milestone they associate with adulthood and feeling “chosen,” even if it means being chosen by a toxic partner who will end up depleting you of your health, energy, and resources. They want to feel validated by their friends and family (especially if they were raised in a culture that emphasizes marriage and children) that they’re not missing out and lagging behind in some way. But being an adult has little to do with your relationship status or childrearing status. You are also an “adult” when you pursue your dreams, build a thriving career, graduate from school, create meaningful friendships, go to therapy, buy a house or apartment, learn to break your unhealthy and destructive patterns, and change the world. There are many ways to grow in life besides getting married and having children. In fact, some may feel their life got more stagnant once they were overwhelmed by the additional responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. Write down what you think marriage and parenthood will allow you to do that you feel you cannot achieve in other ways. Then, next to this list, write down other alternative ways you can fulfill those same needs or what you deem to be the “costs” of parenting and marriage (e.g. a supportive network of friends can be more nourishing than a toxic partner; I will sacrifice half of my life to raising my children because kids will be my priority and I will have to devote enormous amounts of time and energy to them) as well as what you can do more freely if you choose not to get married or have children (e.g. I can travel the world with more freedom; I can focus on my education and career with more ease). You’ll likely discover that while marriage and parenthood provide unique experiences, they are hardly the only ways to be fulfilled, and there are also many benefits to staying single or childfree. This is a great way to consider all your options before you decide.

Do I want to have children because I genuinely want to be a parent no matter how difficult it is? Or because it is expected of me and because I want to live through my children who I believe are responsible for “fulfilling” me and taking care of me?

People who are on the fence about parenthood may think they’re just “underestimating” how rewarding it will be and overreacting about the potential hardships. In fact, it’s the opposite. Many people feel unprepared for all the responsibilities of parenthood and do not realize everything they are sacrificing until it’s too late because of societal pressures. It’s a myth that parents never regret parenthood; they may genuinely love and cherish their children and find aspects of their lives very rewarding, but still acknowledge that it was far harder than they expected and grieve for the life they had before. For example, there are nearly 90,000 people on the subreddit known as “Regretful Parents,” who candidly share their true perspectives and difficulties in their parenting experiences: and these are just the English-speaking people who are willing to admit it. You may find parenthood rewarding and be fully prepared for the difficulties that are ahead: just ensure you know the true motives for why you want to be a mother or father. It’s wise not to expect to live through your children vicariously. Children are not objects to be raised with the narcissistic idea that they will fulfill or take care of you; the best parents know how to cultivate a child’s autonomy and individuality.  Carrying on your legacy shouldn’t be the only reason you bring a child into this world and you should take the steps to ensure your child doesn’t grow up with toxic conditioning or hostile, chaotic environments that will only carry on generational trauma. You should also be financially and emotionally prepared for childrearing and be able to give your children a loving home (this includes not marrying an abuser).

Am I prepared for the worst when it comes to both marriage and children?

When we think about marriage and children, we are conditioned to think about only the perceived rewards and never the potential costs – or how these costs can be different for men and women. Think of the old adage of a true marriage implying that you will be with one another “through sickness and health.” Unfortunately, this wedding vow doesn’t translate as well in real-life contexts for women as it does for men. Studies show that while women tend to stay by the side of their husbands during illness to help them pull through, men tend to abandon women during life-threatening health issues. Some women get cheated on during or shortly after pregnancy after devoting months of their life and risking their health in bearing a child or after years of being a stay-at-home mom who devotes her whole life to raising her children and being a “good wife.” The number one risk to pregnant women in the United States according to research is being murdered by their partners – moreso than  the three leading obstetric causes such as high blood pressure disorders, hemorrhage, or sepsis. You cannot truly know whether the person you marry will turn out to be a narcissistic abuser and serial cheater who puts your life and well-being at risk or whether the children you have will present with health issues that you will assist with through your entire life. You have to be prepared for anything when it comes to these life decisions. If you think the potential rewards outweigh the potential costs, have prepared yourself for both the rewards and pitfalls of parenthood and believe you’ve found a high-quality partner, marriage and parenthood may be fulfilling for you personally. However, if you feel you are rushing into these decisions because of your social conditioning rather than your authentic desires and values, it may be time to slow down and reevaluate.

Negging is a covert put-down manipulators, pick-up artists, and narcissists on dating apps dish out to make you more susceptible to their advances. While some may use negging as a form of “playful teasing,” it often does not translate that way and is used by abusers to disorient you in hopes you will seek their approval. And sometimes it does work: some research indicates that when someone’s self-esteem is lowered, they are more vulnerable to the romantic advances of others and are more compliant to requests and agreeable. Watch out for off-kilter comments or backhanded “compliments” that detract from your visible strengths. For example, if you’re a very attractive woman, a person who “negs” you may insinuate that your makeup is doing all the work for you rather than your natural features to detract from your beauty or insult you through a comparison. They could say something like, “Nice makeup. My grandma has that blush.” Or, if they’re jealous of any of the achievements listed on your dating profile, they might say something like, “You’re an engineer? They must be letting anyone enter the field nowadays.” These bizarre insults will be used to put you down, especially if this person senses you are out of their league. You deserve a dating partner who is mature enough to give you healthy praise and doesn’t require these depraved tactics to get ahead.

Numerous pictures with the opposite sex (if they’re straight) or even their small children. Multiple selfies if they’re a man.

Are they looking for a date or a harem? If a man is featured in numerous photos with another woman or multiple different women for the majority of his photos, he’s hoping to set up a silent competition and showcase his desirability. He will do this with shady female best friends, or even past exes. At best, he’s insecure and trying to make it seem like he gets more action than he really does, or tactless and unempathetic in the way it might make potential suitors feel. At worst, he’s a narcissist who loves to provoke jealousy and dabbles in manufacturing love triangles even before you’ve gone on a first date. This kind of behavior will only escalate later on. Watch out for multiple selfies especially in men; research indicates that while selfies are not a significant indicator of narcissism for women (likely because most women have been conditioned to take them and focus on their appearance, narcissistic or not), they are significantly associated with narcissism scores in men. If your dating matches feature their young kids on their profile, this is also a major red flag as it indicates he’s willing to violate their privacy while attempting to show you he’s a “good parent.” Some will use their children or pets deliberately to make themselves seem more nurturing; more nefariously, others are looking for a “mother figure” to raise their children for them rather than a true partner. Do not fall for this. While it’s wonderful to share an occasional picture of a pet or disclose that kids are an important part of one’s life, if you get the sense that these images are being used to portray someone in a specific way, it can be a red flag. People who are authentically nurturing, desirable, and sensitive will reveal this side of themselves organically over time through their personality traits and behavior – they don’t need to use their kids, their exes, or their pets as props to make them look good.

They give you preemptive “challenges” to make you feel like you have to win their approval.

Narcissists and manipulators on dating apps try to lure their targets in with a preemptive challenge. They know that if you’re an attractive woman, you likely have numerous matches to sort through and want to “stand out” from the crowd. They will attempt to kickstart communication or provoke a response by using this method. They might ask you to prove yourself in some way to them to get you to respond to them. For example, they could say things like, “You’re pretty and all, but do you actually know how to hold a conversation?” or “I used to do a lot of romantic gestures for my ex like make them a playlist and write poems. Let’s see if you could inspire that” or “So you graduated from Harvard. Is it really as hard as people say it is?” These challenges don’t have to be particularly sophisticated – they can even be as simple as a typecasting statement like, “You seem like the type of woman who…” Again, these “challenges” are really just degrading attempts to make you work for their validation and prove your strengths to them. It’s a twisted way for the narcissist to try to position themselves as the “chooser” when they are nobody to you and are likely the one who needs to prove themselves to you. Remember: you have nothing at all to prove. Most people with healthy boundaries would not rise to this challenge and would simply walk away from these conversations. But if you’re a person struggling with self-esteem or trauma, the manipulator knows you might attempt to “prove” them wrong in some way or prove your worth, even though they are fully aware that they are the ones unworthy of you. That’s the reason narcissists issue preemptive challenges in the first place – to test you to see if you’ll take their bait.

They mention their exes or previous dates in their bio or messages.

It’s one thing to disclose past memories to someone you know well in a conversation that warrants it and another to use it as an introduction on a dating app. You should never tolerate a potential dating partner mentioning an ex during your first few conversations with them, whether it’s online or in real life. In the best-case scenario, they are emotionally unavailable and not over their past relationship. In the worst-case scenario, they are a narcissist trying to set up a love triangle to get you to compete. If they’re degrading previous dates they’ve been on, you will likely be next on the list to be put down. If they mention, “I was betrayed by my ex,” as one of their early messages, be wary. Many narcissists will try to paint their exes as cheaters early on when they were the ones who engaged in betrayal. Ask yourself why they feel the need to share this personal information with strangers – there’s likely an agenda behind it. This information is simply not needed when first getting to know someone and places the responsibility on you to do emotional labor you’re not being paid for or to provide reassurance that you are nothing like their ex. The narcissist is actually looking for victims who will prove their loyalty to them with this pity ploy.

They treat you like a therapist. They share sob stories that are over the top early on, expecting you to comfort them.

Piggybacking off this, if a dating match is sending you lengthy paragraphs about their life history and trauma especially when you haven’t even met (but even in the first few dates), they are treating you as a free therapist, not a dating prospect. Narcissists love to weaponize pity ploys and sob stories which may or may not be true to paint themselves as the victim when they’re really the perpetrator. These types rely on your sympathy to manipulate you. Send an invoice for those billable hours and opt out from these draining conversations early. Dating is about fun and getting to one another – not about one-sided emotional vampirism.

They mention they need someone who “doesn’t take themselves seriously” or “understands their sense of humor.”

People who are genuinely funny don’t need to beg others to understand their “unique” sense of humor. People who know how to use sarcasm as a spice rather than the whole meal don’t have to brag about or defend being “fluent in sarcasm.” Chronic sarcasm used to bully and taunt others can actually be a red flag of psychopathy according to research. Cruel remarks disguised as “jokes” are not to be dismissed or minimized. Watch out for anyone who says they need someone who “doesn’t take themselves seriously.” That means they expect to be able to gaslight you freely and say whatever they want without consequences.

They claim they need a relationship that’s “drama free” on their bio or messages.

It’s always the “no drama” folks who have the most chaos in their lives because they themselves create it. Those who explicitly state they “don’t want drama” are usually the ones manufacturing chaos in the lives of others. If a person can’t handle simple, healthy conflict or even a basic discussion without feeling frustrated, they need a therapist, not a date. This is a red flag as it points to a lack of accountability and inability to engage in introspection.

Sexual come-ons or love bombing to disguise their true motives.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that if a man is fast-forwarding you into imagining kids and marriage with them in the first few messages, they’re usually just looking to have sex with you. No one who wants a healthy relationship will start off as strong as messaging you every hour, with praise and compliments that never seem to end. Manipulators and narcissists know that love bombing their victims is a way to get into someone’s bed and head early on. On the flip side, if they’re starting with the sexual come-ons early on, they are just as interested in hitting it and quitting it – they’re just much more forthcoming about their true intentions.

The date plans are a no-go.

If there’s something “shady” about the date plans a match proposes, don’t go – especially if you’re a woman who is facing far more safety risks when meeting a stranger. If they want you to meet them at their place, or pick you up at yours, they’re not taking your safety into consideration. You have to date with the idea that anyone – especially on an online dating app which is more likely to have narcissists and psychopaths hunting for victims – can become a stalker. Wait until you get to know them better before they have access to where you live or before you forego meeting them in a public place. If they don’t confirm with you the day before the date they’re coming, they’re not serious about you or the date. If they want to take you on unromantic “hang-outs” or meetings like walks or coffee dates, they’re probably looking to date multiple women cheaply, hook up with many people, and will remain low-effort. As a woman, you’re risking your life every time you go out for a date with a stranger: do you really want to do a hike or walk date with someone you barely know? At best, you’ll waste your time with a low-effort manipulator who doesn’t even care to impress you, and at worst, you may end up buried alive in the woods. Be selective about the dates you accept and vet people thoroughly before you meet with them to figure out whether they can carry a conversation with you online. Go at your own pace. Remember: manipulators are looking to rush the process so you don’t catch on and identify their red flags. They may ask you to meet up right away without getting to know you. Resist the temptation to fast-forward the talking stage.

They rage when you set boundaries and try to get you off the app early.

If a dating prospect is trying to get you on the phone with them right away in the first few messages, something is awry. Narcissists require constant attention and they feed off of it. So when you’re not replying to them at their pace (especially if they’re trying to love bomb you), they might try to take a different route: these manipulators will claim that they “barely use this app” and need to text you instead. That way, they can have your full attention because while you may not always be on the app, you will usually see text messages. This is an audacious request considering they haven’t even taken you on a date yet. Watch out for matches who rage at you for denying their requests or retaliate and insult you for setting any kind of healthy boundary. This is narcissistic rage at its “finest.” You don’t need to give a stranger your phone number or social media handles right away nor do you owe them any personal information. They need to work and earn your trust. Unless you’re using social media to vet the safety of a dating match, it’s not necessary. Always do a full background check on a potential dating mate. Dating matches who want your social media usually just want another follower to add to their harem – they want cheap attention without putting in the work. If they’re not making an effort to take you out on a proper date and have meaningful conversations with you, they’re a waste of time and you should reserve your time and energy for better prospects and matches.

Idealization: Love bombing and the soulmate effect manufactures dependency.

In the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, you feel completely enamored with them. They mirror your interests, hobbies, goals, mannerisms, and personality traits to get you to believe that you are their “soulmate.” They flatter and compliment you immensely. They may engage in grand romantic gestures, buy you gifts, take you on lavish vacations, or mention the promise of a shared future early on. This can be an especially powerful manipulation tool to use on someone who is craving that kind of affection and attention or has a void in their life they’re subconsciously trying to fill (such as a recent trauma). Many survivors at this early stage of trauma bonding noticed that narcissists fast-forwarded milestones of the relationship by moving in together quickly, getting engaged, married, and having children. Even for those who followed a slower pace, they experienced excessive communication and contact from the narcissist that created a reliance on their approval and constant praise. Survivors at this stage may or may not notice a red flag or two that is amiss, but they are more likely to rationalize it because the mask portrayed by the narcissist is convincing and compelling – and their “love” is all-consuming.

Cognitive Dissonance: Nitpicking, micro-betrayals, and toxic love triangles followed by gaslighting breeds self-doubt.

Once the honeymoon phase of the relationship has compelled the survivor to invest in the narcissist, the narcissist will begin “testing” their victims with negging comments and nitpicking that eventually escalates. They will subject you to micro-betrayals that have plausible deniability like taking a day to respond to a text when they would otherwise respond right away, or making a cutting remark where they would usually praise you. This will cement a sense of cognitive dissonance in the survivor who is now experiencing the emotional whiplash of finding out cracks in the narcissist’s false mask. During this stage, the narcissist will begin to manufacture love triangles and induce jealousy in you by mentioning their ex or potential love interests. They will then gaslight you into believing you misunderstood them or that they didn’t do or say something they actually did. They will observe your reactions and identify whether you are willing to dismiss these incidents as they escalate, pushing your buttons further with comments or actions that become increasingly cruel and devaluing. They can begin these tests and micro-betrayals as early as the first few dates but in an insidiously minor way that escapes your notice. In this phase of trauma bonding, such nitpicking and jealousy induction becomes more apparent. You may feel self-doubt and uncertainty as you begin to walk on eggshells, wondering what you did wrong and how you can get back to the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship. Unbeknownst to you, the narcissist follows this stage with every one of their victims and there is not much you can do to prevent them from breaking you down.

Intermittent reinforcement: Small acts of kindness and the mean-sweet cycle create a biochemical addiction to winning favor back with the narcissist.

As you become more submissive and compliant to the narcissist’s criticism or you start to fight back, the narcissist will deepen a pattern of intermittent reinforcement where they incorporate moments of love bombing and “small acts of kindness” to get you psychologically and biochemically addicted to the cycle of their mistreatment. They might give you a seemingly sincere apology after a particularly harsh argument they instigated or become suddenly affectionate toward you after provoking you and manufacturing chaos and crazymaking. These “small acts of kindness” become magnified and you develop a heightened sense of gratitude for any positive actions the narcissist takes toward you because they are becoming increasingly rare. Much like a captor might “reward” a prisoner with food or the absence of physical punishment, you are taught that you must be “grateful” for the ability to survive at all – and gratitude acts as a survival mechanism, alerting you to resources that keep you alive. This is similar to how a victim in a psychologically abusive relationship finds ways to cope with the cruelty of a partner by remembering positive moments or feeling struck by “abuse amnesia,” gaps in memory that can cause you to gloss over the abusive incidents so you stay focused on survival. Dopamine is a major player in creating this kind of addiction as it flows more readily in the brain when the “rewards” are unpredictable and random – you have no way of knowing when the narcissist will be kind or cruel next, but you strengthen your efforts to please them and bend over backwards to meet their needs.

Devaluation: Hypercriticism and isolation paired with hurt-and-rescue methods strengthens the trauma bond.

This is the stage of the trauma bond that can be especially excruciating for survivors to endure. Devaluation sets in and becomes the most dominant pattern of the relationship – acts of love bombing and healthy affection and attention become scarce as hypercriticism, stonewalling, constant comparisons to others, or silent treatments are the more prominent modes of “communication” the narcissist uses. The narcissist isolates you from friends and family (or ridicules their positive feedback and spreads false rumors to pit you against one another so you feel isolated) and makes you believe they are the only ones to be trusted. “No one else” understands your “special” relationship and everyone is just “misunderstanding” the narcissist’s behavior – at least, that’s what they’ll try to train you to believe. Due to the trauma of the relationship and misplaced sense of self-blame, you may withdraw from your usual activities and social life as self-isolation becomes the norm. During this stage, narcissists use their absence to make you long for their validation and use their presence to comfort you after incidents of abuse they instigated. For example, they might call you names, only to soothe you as you cry; this conditions you to seek out their comfort after their transgressions. These hurt-and-rescue methods appear blatantly unsettling to outsiders, but when you are within the toxic relationship cycle, it is difficult to extricate yourself because you become overly dependent on the abuser and their perspectives. 

Identity erosion: Distortion and enmeshment with the abuser makes you lose a sense of self.

The narcissist’s manipulation tactics are designed to disorient you and ensure that you lose your sense of self and self-esteem. They present you with a false image of your identity that you begin to internalize. Where once you were positive, cheerful, talented, and upbeat, you are now convinced by the narcissist that you are negative, bitter, and worthless through the funhouse mirror of distortions they set in front of you. These are the lies, false accusations, and projections they feed you so you no longer fight back against their abuse and so they can have more control over you and your psyche. You become “enmeshed” with the identity and beliefs of the abuser while foregoing facets of your own identity. You may also react in ways that are out of character for you in order to try to regain a sense of control in the relationship – such as finally raging back at the narcissist when they’ve attacked you chronically, snooping through their phone or combing through their social media when they keep dropping hints of betrayals, or comparing yourself to others you would never have dreamed of “competing” with before due to constant jealousy induction that leaves you on edge. This is like the “reversal” of the love bombing stage – whereas before the narcissist mirrored you, now you are forced to become more like them or who they want you to be in order to survive the trauma of the relationship. Before, your energy was full of life and vibrant while the narcissist was dependent on you for fuel; now your whole psyche is deflated and you are dependent on them for emotional sustenance while they appear energetic, having been “fed well” by your energy. Instead of nourishment, they give you more punishment.

Dangerous adaptation and learned helplessness: Continual sacrifices and post-traumatic symptoms keep you “stuck” in the relationship, protecting or defending the abuser and rationalizing their behavior, and returning to your abuser.

This is usually the final stage of trauma bonding before steps are made toward healing. At this stage, there have been immense sacrifices of your time, energy, labor, and resources made in the relationship that can be hard to walk away from. This investment can be difficult for everyone in a trauma bond, but having children or shared finances with the narcissist presents additional obstacles. The “sunk cost fallacy” leads you to believe that all the harm and trauma in the relationship represents the fact that this is a relationship worth continuing because subconsciously you feel the need to justify your investment. You begin to heavily sabotage yourself and self-destruct because you start to believe in the lies the narcissist has fed you about your worthiness and lovability. You may even defend or protect the abuser to loved ones who express concern for your well-being. You might fear retaliation because of threats the narcissist has made or any information the narcissist could use against you. You may return to the narcissist several times even before you leave for good. Since trauma has also burdened you with symptoms like fatigue, brain fog, hypervigilance, irritability, anxiety, and depression, and constant exhaustion, it feels easier to stay in the relationship to try to make it work rather than taking the seemingly impossible steps to leave. You battle learned hopelessness and helplessness. Your patterns of behaving and existing revolve around the narcissist and how to cope with the relationship rather than breaking ties. Often the first step of healing is recognizing and identifying these trauma bonds so you can understand that your seeming addiction to the narcissist has little to do with the merit of the relationship. On the contrary, this is a relationship sustained by trauma and mistreatment. You deserve to heal and free yourself.

Researchers Lola Park and colleagues (2015) conducted six studies to determine whether men exhibited attraction to women who outsmarted them on verbal and math tests. The majority of men in one of the studies expressed a preference for the women who outsmarted them when these women were spoken about as a hypothetical scenario. However, when men actually took the test near a woman sitting next to them in real life and was told she had scored higher than him, he was less likely to express romantic interest to this woman and shift his chair to create more physical distance from her. When a woman was said to have scored lower than a man, he was more likely to bring his seat closer to her and express romantic interest.

Some Men Love Intelligent Women in Theory – But Not in Real Life

In another one of these studies, men were told about a hypothetical woman down the hall they never met who outperformed them on an intelligence test and told to imagine them romantically. Again, they expressed hypothetical interest. But when they were given an intelligence test and presented with a real-life woman who had surpassed them on this exam, they did not pursue her, and were more likely to express romantic attraction to the woman who had not exceeded them. They rated their feelings of masculinity as lower when they felt outsmarted and felt “inferior” in the presence of such a woman, and opted for the less intelligent option. This previous finding is aligned with a study which showed that more intelligent hypothetical individuals were perceived as more masculine and less feminine, revealing an implicit bias in the way intelligent women may be perceived – even the most “feminine” presenting woman can be seen as more masculine due to their intelligence and achievements. Interestingly, in the same study, men also tended to overestimate their own intelligence moreso than women.  However, due to a lack of introspection, some men may misattribute their lack of romantic interest to other nonexistent factors in the women that do not identify his ego to be the main problem. Basically, they might tell themselves that the woman who outsmarted them was problematic in a way she wasn’t to convince himself he didn’t feel threatened by her.

In another study by Raymond Fisman and colleagues at Columbia University,  single men and women participated in a speed-dating event where they went on dates with each other and then rated the attractiveness, intelligent and ambition of their prospects. Women expressed more interest in going on a second date with men who exhibited intelligence and were twice as likely as men to do so. Unfortunately, men generally only expressed interest in women they felt were equally intelligent and felt threatened when women were more ambitious or intelligent than them. This reveals that while women generally are more than happy to have an intelligent mate, men generally feel less romantic interest when they’re face-to-face with a woman who outsmarted them or surpassed them in achievements. And it’s not just intelligence we need to look at either: there’s a gender bias in the evaluation of humor too. Studies have shown that while men prefer women who laugh at their jokes and fail to appreciate humorous women, women tend to prefer men who have a good sense of humor and can make them laugh (no wonder so many women are drawn to funny men). Damn! Even the women with comedic genius can’t catch a break from the patriarchy.

What to Do With This Information

So what do we do with these findings? It’s clear there’s a gender bias and pattern of misogyny that can unfairly punish intelligent and successful women for exhibiting admirable and desirable qualities in the dating world. It’s also clear that too many men tend to group and objectify women in a way that does not take into account that they are multifaceted, complex human beings just like they are; they tend to box women in one category before getting to know them and do not recognize that smart, successful, attractive women have many sides to them. One important step is not shrinking yourself to please a potential dating partner. Someone who feels insecure about your success and intelligence is not going to be a healthy, compatible partner for you in the long-run.

At best, they have some serious underlying misogyny and self-esteem issues to work through before they can have the privilege of being with you. Essentially, they need to unpack harmful beliefs and attitudes that make them feel so threatened by women who surpass them and instead admire these women just as they would admire their fellow male colleagues or friends. Instead of competing with a woman, they would have to learn to build a partnership with her. At worst, they are a narcissist with malicious envy who will tear you down, even going so far as to sabotage your accomplishments and deflate your confidence on the daily according to research. Neither is an inviting prospect. To the smart and successful women out there, it’s true you may run into additional difficulties, biases, stereotypes, and wounded egos in dating. However, don’t confuse your experiences with what you truly deserve. You deserve a partner who is appreciative of your intelligence, unique gifts, sense of humor, multifacetedness and strengths. You deserve a partner who celebrates your achievements and is your biggest cheerleader – someone who knows how to put their ego aside to tap into their empathy. You’ll never need to “dumb” yourself down for a man who is truly worthy of you.